Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a bajillion years. Calm down. I don't do interesting things, so I've decided to write about your futures. Mwa ha ha ha!
It'll probably be great, but also, I'm not a skilled horoscope writer so have patience, you snerbs. Also, these horoscopes will be your future for the next year, because I'm lazy and don't want to write them continuously. Plus, the chances that something I write comes true in a whole year are pretty good. I guess. Unless I write something like, "You'll walk to the moon." Because that's physically impossible. So, here we go!
ARIES (March 21- April 19): You, my strange friend, are about to have the weirdest year of your life. You'll probably find a large mammal, but actually it will just be a reptile dressed as a mammal, because people are inherently afraid of reptiles. This speaks to your ambition to be yourself and not hide under the cloak of a furry animal, instead putting your scales our where everyone can see them. Fear not, because there are still those who love their reptilic beasts.
TAURUS (April 20- May 20): You will stop creating things for a little while, because you will be very busy with an intriguing article of clothing. It may be colorful, but more likely, this piece of clothing will be dark and mysterious. It will require your full attention to discover its true purpose, and whether or not it is worthy of your time, and when you determine if you should like to keep it close, you will once again be confronted with art. Don't mingle the art with the mystery.
GEMINI (May 21- June 20): An angry anonymous philosopher once said, "Many people think that the world is there for them, but in reality, the world is there for everyone else." This saying will resonate with you as you explore uncharted territory in an underwater adventure. Be sure to keep close tabs on everything you see, because nothing is not of use to you. Pay special attention to anything that reminds you of french horns.
CANCER (June 21- July 22): Many things that you come in contact with are overrated. Anything that looks like it might be worth some substantial value should be treated with the utmost disrespect. Don't forget to polish your garbage every three hours, because it often feels under-appreciated.
LEO (July 23- August 22): If you like reading, this is your year. You may become a fluent reader of all of the languages of the world, and at the very least, you will learn one new word from a language you already speak. You might think this is not an accomplishment, but if you think about it, any learning is better than being dead.
VIRGO (August 23- September 22): A boulder can stand in your way without being an obstacle. There are always ways to get around your problems, and this year will provide ample opportunity to prove your problem solving skills are adequate. If you find yourself facing a mountain, just make sure you've brought your hammer to chisel away at the rock. Even if it takes forever, it's better than turning around and going back.
LIBRA (September 23- October 22): New things are dangerous, but at the same time, if all you do are old things, the danger becomes repetitive. Try to mix up your dangers, alternating new and old, until you feel comfortable enough to rewrite history with a dangerless society. Provide for your friends with less danger than ever before.
SCORPIO (October 23- November 21): While circumnavigating the globe, theoretically or in reality, be sure to pack enough food. The worst thing that could happen on a trip of your lifetime would be to realize that your apples will only last for a couple days. Anything less than 150,000 pounds of food would be lacking. Also, invest in a large cargo plane.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22- December 21): Firstly, you should try to be born in a different month, because your star sign is too hard to spell. Secondly, after you've completed that task, apply for a patent on your newly developed time machine.
CAPRICORN (December 22- January 19): An energetic wave is coming your way. You will be unable to complete the boring tasks because the exciting ones take up too much of your time and energy, It's better this way, because boring things are a waste of your resources. You should plan extra time to sleep, because all this energy does come with a crash, and when that happens, you might end up sleeping for years on end.
AQUARIUS (January 20- February 18): Oceans and skies await you. You'll have to chose whether you want to dive into the depths of the fishes or fly high with the birds. Either choice will yield disappointing results, but the alternative is staying on land, and land is rich with failure. You can go for the unknown or stay in the safe but disappointing familiar.
PISCES (February 19- March 20): Oh darn. You've lost something. Probably multiple things. But this year will be a year of return. You should find yourself a trusty shovel and dig at every chance you get. Not only will you find all your lost items, you may even stumble upon some strange, well-hidden pirate treasure. This is especially true if you move to a desert island. Watch out for sharks.
