Confessions of the Sickly

It's been two weeks since I've written things. I apologize for my lack of timeliness on this thing. Can I use the excuse that I've been busy? I use that excuse a lot. Maybe I should come up with something better. Like: I got trapped in a swamp full of alligators, but they all wore bonnets and it turned out they wanted to throw me a tea part, but I don't even like tea, so I just pretended to drink it so as not to be rude, but also because they could have poisoned it or something. How's that for an excuse?

In actuality, though, I have been kind of busy. I had my last week in New Mexico, my last week with my students, and then we had to drive home. And so I am home now! Except I've been sick for five entire days. I like to call it "The Disease that Proves to Me How Unnecessary it is to Breathe more than Once ever Five Minutes". And also I lost my voice. You never want to talk as much as when you can't. Plus, I CAN'T SOUND ANGRY ANYMORE, because if I talk at any pitch other than a strange whisper-y thing, my voice vanishes into the distance like a rabid donkey.

So I've mostly been sleeping and focusing on breathing and trying to not cough up a lung and drinking hot chocolate out of my turtle mug that I bought at the Flea Market in New Mexico and also catching up on all the TV shows I missed while far away with poor access to the internet. (Not necessarily proud of that last one, but I'm not going to lie to you guys.)

And I wanted to write about my final thoughts from New Mexico, but since it's been a while, I hope I haven't forgotten all the things I wanted to say!

I think when I headed down there, I was expecting this experience to completely solidify my desire to be a teacher. I wanted it to make me know for sure that this was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that was not the outcome.

DON'T WORRY, YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE WORRYING ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW. I still want to be a teacher. I still think that it's what I should be doing with my life. It's just that New Mexico had me thinking more about the reasons why I want to do it. In fact, there were times in the classroom when I sat there and said to myself, "I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't want to do this with my life." And then the kind of panic that you have when you're having an existential crisis set in, because I've only ever wanted to be a teacher, and that's it, and I've literally never thought about doing anything else, and what if I decided to not teacher--what would I do with my life?

But I think I realized that I just don't want to be the kind of teacher I was observing.

I want to be the teacher who can connect with all the kids, not just the loud, social ones. I want to teach things, not just throw information at kids with the hope that they'll pick something up. I want to see the understanding in all the kids, not just the bright ones. I want to not leave the bright ones behind because "the bright ones don't need us" (actual quote from my teacher).

There were so many kids that I got to work with just because my teacher had already kind of given up on them, either because they were too slow to work at her pace, or because they were quiet, or because she was just too loud to cater to their style.

I had so many small victories with those kids who the teacher didn't pay attention to that I think I've secured my future in just small moments, small smiles. I'll tell you just a few of my favorites:

One student is a very hard worker, a very quiet student, but he works very slowly. My teacher has a policy that if students try but don't finish, she gives them a 70%, no matter how well they've done (which I think is just horrible, but whatever. It's not my classroom.) So I worked with this student, and he finished on time, and when he presented he got 100% and it was amazing!!! YES!

There was another student who would sit at the back of the class and not do anything. He'd have an assignment, but never write anything down. On the first day, I went up to him and asked if he was done, if he needed help, things like that. He told me no. And there's nothing you can do about it, and it makes me upset, because no one ever offers to help him, so he just feels like he doesn't deserve help. So everyday, I'd go up to him and ask if I could help, always with the same result. Until I had been there about eight days. On Thursday of the second week I was there, I went to ask if I could help him, and he said yes. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHH. And I was so happy, and we worked and he finished and it was amazing until he said to me, "No one ever asks to help me. I didn't think you meant it." And then.... I don't... I can't.... GAH, NEW MEXICO, WHY DO YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY????

So I've obviously had a ton of mixed emotions on this trip. I mean, what do these kids do when we're not there? They're stuck with teachers who don't care enough (or have enough resources--it's not entirely their fault) to realize they can finish with ten minutes of help, or who don't even bother to ask if someone is struggling.

But I think in teaching, you just have to realize that you can't get to everyone, and that the victories mean more than the failures. And now I'm kind of just missing the happiness I got from seeing the smiles on kids' faces when they finally understand. But don't worry, self, you'll have plenty more chances to find that feeling. Don't worry.

Suggested life motto: Don't worry.

Suggested life action: Go eat the gummy worms that your mom bought you yesterday.

But really, though, Jen, you should follow your own life motto and don't worry.

It's Hard to Type while Eating Ice Cream, Especially when You Use Two Spoons

I definitely didn't know which of the words in the title should be capitalized, because some of the words seem unimportant and therefore shouldn't be capitalized, but maybe they were important, and maybe I capitalized words that shouldn't be capitalized, and no one really knows what's going on and this probably a good time to announce that I'm deciding to not be an English major. Sorry Mom.

Anyway. I wrote about two of my best friends in the two previous posts, so this is definitely a good time to write about the other one. Hi, Paige! Did you know we're the same person? That means you're basically here in New Mexico with me, experiencing all my experiences. Yay!

Today was pretty weird. Actually. I mean, it was a normal day in school. And I don't really even have anything exciting to say, because nothing exciting really happened. Maybe that's why it was weird.

But people came to dinner that weren't our people! Like the other student teachers and the guy who's kind of in charge of stuff here, I guess? and his family. That was weird. We had a ton of people around our semi-tiny table. And we made chicken. Ish. Chicken-ish.

Okay. Really though. I mostly just wanted to write the first paragraph about how English major is probably not a thing anymore. And of course I had to talk about Paige.

I could tell you about how we tried to go recycle our recyclables in the recycle bin, but then it was locked, and my professor gave me her slippers so I could go bring stuff out there, but it was locked, so I just wandered around in my professor's slippers in the mud. Because that's also weird.

And now we're all sitting around in the kitchen on our laptops because that's just the kind of people we are. I'll just give you second by second updates.

Talking about something I don't understand.

Talking about YouTube.

Talking about Nate's hair, and how he always wears a hat once he starts wearing a hat.

Talking about buying shuttle tickets.

Talking about spaghetti cats.

Pause

Pause

Pause

Pause

Pause

Talking about getting up early to hike up bluffs.

Talking about breaking things.

Talking about weird people.

Talking about weird people wearing masks.

Pause

Pause

Pause

Talking about things I don't understand.

Talking about socks.

Talking about Target.

Talking about money.

Talking about SnapChat.

Okay. Hopefully you find that interesting. Please don't be scared away by my lack of content. Because sometimes I actually write things. Tune in later. Or go back and read the other things I write. Maybe ice cream is disrupting my brain waves, and I can't think coherent thoughts.

Everything Is Danger

I haven't written in a long time, as my lovely friend Mia pointed out. Because she's just so on top of me to keep writing things about things! Where would I be without you, Mia? Probably in Antarctica. Although I don't know how I would have gotten there. Anyway.

Truthfully, though, I haven't written because I've been very busy. Busy in the classroom, and also busy wandering around doing dangerous things. The list of things I've done on this trip that you previously probably could not even pay me to do is pretty long. (We were talking about lists, in case you got confused by my ridiculously long run-on sentence. Anyway. I think I'll tell you about all these things.

Firstly, last week's school week was very intriguing. I learned a lot. About many things. I can't really remember many things. Why don't you spend eight hours a day learning things rapid-fire. And then come back and tell me what you know. You won't be able to say one thing, I bet. Because I know. I know everything! Ha! Contradiction. Okay. But the thing that happened that I wouldn't have done was this: There was an emergency that my lovely teacher had to take care of out in the hallway, and she was like, "Ms. Stanley, please lead the class while I deal with this." And so I did. I gave a 20 minute lecture in a Spanish class, and I didn't even die. You know what? I didn't even freak out like I do when I have to give a presentation in a class. I just calmly and collectedly told some kids what "playa" and "iglesia" meant. I'm so proud of myself for not freaking out! Ah ha ha ha ha!

That also happened again this week, except it was about the days of the week. And I was more prepared this time. So even less dying than no dying. Be proud of me, people.

I probably also would not have approached random people to try to help them, but that's what I've been doing mostly in this week and last. "Hello, child. Can I assist you in some way? Tell me your Spanish flavored troubles." And then sometimes they do, and then I help them! And sometimes they're like, "Leave me alone." But whatever. I'm still learning.

Also, unschool related, I climbed over a barbed wire fence to climb a mountain.

And I walked through a scary cemetery after it was closed to the public (nighttime) to find a giant boulder. And then I climbed the boulder. Getting up the rock wasn't actually the scary part, but going down was like death. Except all the people assured me that I probably wouldn't die. And I guess if I had to do things that were dangerous, I was glad to be with a bunch of people who know how to calm people down, and also make sure people survive dangerous rocks. Yeah. We're gonna be teachers.

I also climbed "600 sheer feet" down into a canyon. Admittedly, that was very cool and worthwhile. But it doesn't mean that it wasn't dangerous!

I also did something rebellious with two of my fellow travelers that I can't tell you until after we leave New Mexico, in case one of the others read this blog (unlikely) and I inadvertently break my sacred, unbreakable vow. (We've been having a Harry Potter marathon.)

I've also eaten ice cream every single day since I've been here. Because our professor thinks we like ice cream. Which is true. But occasionally it's a little ridiculous. I'd show you a picture, but I boycott photography, unless you go check my Facebook page, because I post photography on there, so there.

It's hard to believe that we only have like a week and a half left here. It's going so fast. And scary. And dangerous. But you know. It's pretty exciting. I like it here!

PS: We had a two hour late start today at school because of "cold, ice, and mud." So we got to sleep in. And then there was a lock down at the end of school. Because I don't know why. But it was pretty weird. As far as I know, there was no danger. But who knows. Everything is danger.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO RACHEL REGARDING NORWAY (And A First Day Analysis for Everyone Else)

Yeah, first day of school!

Kind of!

You know.

First day of being in a school to learn about teaching, instead of to learn about things.

And it was pretty great.

I think I have too many thoughts about it to write down. They're all just kind of swirling around in my head right now. I had a lot of questions I didn't get to ask my lovely host teacher (I'll just call her Mrs. S), and probably a lot of things we just didn't get to talk about. Because there's so much to talk about.

In Miyamura High School, about 80% of the students are Native Americans, 10-15% are either Mexican or Arab, and the remaining 5% are white students. It's a pretty eye-opening experience to be in the minority, even though many of the teachers themselves are white.

I did some working with kids taking Spanish One during the day. It was pretty weird to be called Ms. Stanley. I think that's probably something I'll just have to get used to. We were working on a review where the students had to fill in the blanks about their vacations. I think the question I was most asked was, "How do you spell 'vacations' in Spanish?"

When we started out the day, the students were very talkative. Mrs. S just let them go off on tangent after tangent. I was really confused, because they weren't talking about anything related to school, or Spanish, and most of the topics seemed very inappropriate for school conversations. But soon they all got settled and Mrs. S called me over to her desk.

"Do you know why I just let them talk for so long?" she asked me. I told her no, and that I honestly had no idea why she did that. She said, "It was for you. It was for you to see all the problems these kids face, that kids in high school shouldn't be facing. It was so you could see that school maybe is the most stable place these kids have."

Because what I had thought of as just inappropriate conversations were actually things that these kids deal with. Drugs and homelessness and their own children and abuse and countless other things that are mostly still stuck in the unimaginable part of my brain.

These things aren't just issues in the high school, but in the younger grades as well. Hannah, who works with the middle school told us at dinner that there was a student absent from one of her classes today, and all the other kids just blatantly told her that "he was in juvie." A middle schooler. I think Hannah summed up all of our feelings when she said, "I just wish we could all give Gallup a hug."

After school, I got a chance to talk with Mrs. S in a room not filled with students. I asked her how she deals with such rambunctious classes and students. And I guess it wouldn't be a good learning experience if the answer didn't make me cry.

She said: "You know, the kids who act out the most are usually the ones who have the hardest, least stable home lives. Break can be a stressful time for them, especially such a long one. When they act out and I respond--even by just teasing them--it gives them validation, a sort of recognition that they're still a person and that they still matter. You know [that boy]? He is physically abused at home. All the time. Constantly. And he just expects it now; it's normal to him. He just puts on that face, the one that says, "nothing can touch me" and that's why he acts out. And [that girl]? She got kicked out of her house the day before break. Where was she going to go for Christmas? She's resentful, and she acts out. These kids, they just need someone to show them that they still matter, and if acting out gets that validation for them, I'm just going to have to deal with it."

I.... I just want to do something important. Like help a kid. Or help all the kids. You can't help all the kids. This school district has so many open positions, it's crazy. All they need is more people. More people to care about these kids. All the teachers want to be in a good school, with a good area, where there are no problems, but those aren't the places that need teachers. Places like Gallup need the teachers. These kids can do so much, but they're missing the people who realize it.

So maybe instead of moving to Norway, I'll move to New Mexico. They probably need me more than Norway anyway.

Groceries, Dogs, Rutabagas, and Trespassing

What an interesting first full day here in Gallup, New Mexico. In fact, it was probably basically insanity. We woke up late, finally, after getting up before 5 am for the past few days. It was nice to sleep in an actual bed with actual sheets. Basically, everyone slept like rocks. Which is good, because we're pretty much surrounded by rocks. Lovely, beautiful rocks.

Anyway, after we ate breakfast of bagels that were overly toasted because the toaster decided to not automatically pop up, we headed to the grocery store! Yay! Apparently we needed a lot of food. Like, four carts worth of food. I'm pretty sure people thought we were insane. Especially when we bought tons and tons of rutabagas. And also pickles. I don't even like either of those things. Maybe. Maybe I like them. I don't think I've tried rutabagas. It will be an interesting experience.

When we went to finally buy our groceries, the total was only about $800. That's not very much food, is it? I think the cashiers were drawing straws in secret to see who would have to scan all our food. To their credit, they were pretty quick about it.

We barely fit all our groceries in our two cars. Yes. Two cars. Because we're crazy. Crazy people.

Unloading wasn't nearly as fun. But we managed. Because teamwork. We also know how to cook, apparently! That's something I wasn't aware of! Cooking skills.

After lunch, we headed out for a hike. Basically what we learned on this hike was that there are dogs. And you are not allowed to pet the dogs. Or look at the dogs. Or even think about the dogs. "The dogs are there, but you can't let them know that you know that they're there," as Olivia so nicely summed up our professor's warning.

Except when we did see a dog, people were like, "Oh, it's so cute! Oh!" and then they took pictures of it. I'm pretty sure that was not what we were told to do. But oh well. No one died or lost a limb.

On a topic change, our kitchen really doesn't have very much stuff in it by way of utensils. We had a baby fork, two knives and one salad tong when we arrived. That means we had to pilfer things from the other kitchen. I hope no one wants the strainer, silverware, bowls and cutting board we stole...

Then! Then comes the most exciting part of the day! We watched New Moon! Oh. No. Wait. That wasn't the most exciting. Although it was pretty amusing. I'm not going to tell you about it. But.

After that, then was the most exciting part. We went hiking up a mountain in the dark to see the stars, but it turned out it was cloudy, but we went anyway, because we're basically adults and we can do whatever we want, including jumping over barbed wire fences, even though barbed wire probably means "KEEP OUT", but again, we're adults, and adults break laws.

Plus, they wouldn't have put a ladder through the barbed wire fence if they didn't want people sneaking up there at night. Or day. Either way. Then we kind of just stood there for a while talking and laughing and having a grand old time, if those are things people have any more.

And tomorrow we start on with our actual work! No more time for fun. We have to go get background checks and finger printed and all that stuff. So.... Maybe we'll hike more. That was fun. Yay rocks and barbed wire! And dogs! Yay New Mexico!

Kansas...?

We only drove for twelve hours today guys! That's not very long! Just kidding. I'm pretty sure car time is a different kind of time than normal time. I mean, we drove twelve hours, but it felt like at least twenty. Even though I know it was twelve.

Part of this comes from sleeping. I try to sleep in the car, and sometimes, I'll kind of fake wake up, and think, "Oh my! I must have been sleeping for hours!" But when I check the time it's only been twenty minutes. Oh well. Who needs sleep anyway? Sleep is for the weak! (Plus, I had to sleep on the floor last night. Which means I didn't really sleep then either. But I get a whole couch to myself tonight! Woo hoo!)

I added two new states to my list of states I've been to today! One was Missouri. Missouri pretty much looks like Iowa. So not too exciting. But THEN! Then we went to Kansas. And boy, let me tell you about Kansas.

It looks like Minnesota or Iowa, but, but.... it's not. It's not real! It's like fake midwest. Where is all the snow I ask you?!?! Where is all the weird white powdery stuff that the midwest is made of? Kansas is a lie. I'm pretty sure we should shun it.

We're staying in a hotel in Pratt, Kansas. It's pretty scary here. Not the hotel. But the town. It has like four hotels on the same street. And then nothing else. Like, oh, this looks like a good place to stop because we have no food, but we could sleep in four different beds tonight!

But actually, we went to eat food, which was a little farther down the way, and it was pretty good. I had grilled cheese, that was probably the most delicious grilled cheese ever. (Sorry my brother who makes me grilled cheese whenever I demand. This was better. They didn't drop my bread down the side of the oven.) I think I discovered the point where there was too much cheese though. I ate all the bread, and there were still huge globs of cheese left over. Just too much!

Oh. And, on the highway in Kansas, there are mile markers every 0.2 miles. That's crazy. I feel bad for whoever's job it was to put all those signs up.

Tomorrow is more driving! Down to the actual place of travel. I haven't even encountered danger yet. Well. Except for when we had to switch drivers in the middle of the highway. That might have been dangerous. Anyway. The important thing is that we're all still alive!

Things Start Happening

Oh, well, you know, not interesting things. Just driving to Iowa. Because from Iowa, we get to drive to New Mexico! But. Iowa first, New Mexico later. 

I got a ride from a lovely person who happens to live in the same area as me, which is nice, because then my parents don't have to drive me to Iowa all the time. Because no one likes Iowa. Just kidding. I like Iowa. Actually, I feel fairly indifferently about Iowa at this time. Anyway. That's not the point. 

The point is, we ate dinner with this person's parents' friends, who happened to teach at my college. They're very interesting people. And friendly. The man's name is Uwe (which is pronounced Uva, which means grape in Spanish, which amuses me greatly.) His wife's name is Ruth, and she had potatoes that were possibly the best potatoes I had ever tasted in my life. Ever. And I know potatoes. I practically live in potatoes. That's probably not true. 

Also, they made me feel fairly uncultured, because they have basically traveled to the entire world. That's not an exaggeration. And they speak at least six languages. Because why wouldn't you use your time learning all of the languages? That seems like an excellent use of any excess brain power you possess. If I ever win the lottery, I'll probably spend all my time learning all the languages of the world. Especially the ones no one's heard of. Because those are the dangerous ones! And I'm all about danger. 

And they set the table with two different forks. I don't think I can handle that kind of extreme table setting. When I'm famous, I won't have such complicated place settings. I won't even have plates. People will eat off tortillas while sitting on pillows on the floor, like I did when we had a pretend Passover meal at my grandma's. Because in the future, sophistication will actually mean barbaric heathenism. 

Not too barbaric. That's dangerous. No biting other people. That's where I draw the line. 

So, anyway. I after I planned my future as a famous barbarian....

We leave tomorrow bright and early in the morning: 5:30 am! Wish me luck! And sleep. I like sleep. Sleep! Sleep! Be my friend and join me in the festivities! Ah! Ahh! Ahhh! 

PS: There is some very intense Jenga going on here. I'm not even playing and it's stressing me out. Everyone is seriously just holding their breath. For minutes on end. Because one wrong exhale could mean the end. I may update you on the outcome later. Probably not. No expectations.