It's been two weeks since I've written things. I apologize for my lack of timeliness on this thing. Can I use the excuse that I've been busy? I use that excuse a lot. Maybe I should come up with something better. Like: I got trapped in a swamp full of alligators, but they all wore bonnets and it turned out they wanted to throw me a tea part, but I don't even like tea, so I just pretended to drink it so as not to be rude, but also because they could have poisoned it or something. How's that for an excuse?
In actuality, though, I have been kind of busy. I had my last week in New Mexico, my last week with my students, and then we had to drive home. And so I am home now! Except I've been sick for five entire days. I like to call it "The Disease that Proves to Me How Unnecessary it is to Breathe more than Once ever Five Minutes". And also I lost my voice. You never want to talk as much as when you can't. Plus, I CAN'T SOUND ANGRY ANYMORE, because if I talk at any pitch other than a strange whisper-y thing, my voice vanishes into the distance like a rabid donkey.
So I've mostly been sleeping and focusing on breathing and trying to not cough up a lung and drinking hot chocolate out of my turtle mug that I bought at the Flea Market in New Mexico and also catching up on all the TV shows I missed while far away with poor access to the internet. (Not necessarily proud of that last one, but I'm not going to lie to you guys.)
And I wanted to write about my final thoughts from New Mexico, but since it's been a while, I hope I haven't forgotten all the things I wanted to say!
I think when I headed down there, I was expecting this experience to completely solidify my desire to be a teacher. I wanted it to make me know for sure that this was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that was not the outcome.
DON'T WORRY, YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE WORRYING ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW. I still want to be a teacher. I still think that it's what I should be doing with my life. It's just that New Mexico had me thinking more about the reasons why I want to do it. In fact, there were times in the classroom when I sat there and said to myself, "I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't want to do this with my life." And then the kind of panic that you have when you're having an existential crisis set in, because I've only ever wanted to be a teacher, and that's it, and I've literally never thought about doing anything else, and what if I decided to not teacher--what would I do with my life?
But I think I realized that I just don't want to be the kind of teacher I was observing.
I want to be the teacher who can connect with all the kids, not just the loud, social ones. I want to teach things, not just throw information at kids with the hope that they'll pick something up. I want to see the understanding in all the kids, not just the bright ones. I want to not leave the bright ones behind because "the bright ones don't need us" (actual quote from my teacher).
There were so many kids that I got to work with just because my teacher had already kind of given up on them, either because they were too slow to work at her pace, or because they were quiet, or because she was just too loud to cater to their style.
I had so many small victories with those kids who the teacher didn't pay attention to that I think I've secured my future in just small moments, small smiles. I'll tell you just a few of my favorites:
One student is a very hard worker, a very quiet student, but he works very slowly. My teacher has a policy that if students try but don't finish, she gives them a 70%, no matter how well they've done (which I think is just horrible, but whatever. It's not my classroom.) So I worked with this student, and he finished on time, and when he presented he got 100% and it was amazing!!! YES!
There was another student who would sit at the back of the class and not do anything. He'd have an assignment, but never write anything down. On the first day, I went up to him and asked if he was done, if he needed help, things like that. He told me no. And there's nothing you can do about it, and it makes me upset, because no one ever offers to help him, so he just feels like he doesn't deserve help. So everyday, I'd go up to him and ask if I could help, always with the same result. Until I had been there about eight days. On Thursday of the second week I was there, I went to ask if I could help him, and he said yes. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHH. And I was so happy, and we worked and he finished and it was amazing until he said to me, "No one ever asks to help me. I didn't think you meant it." And then.... I don't... I can't.... GAH, NEW MEXICO, WHY DO YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY????
So I've obviously had a ton of mixed emotions on this trip. I mean, what do these kids do when we're not there? They're stuck with teachers who don't care enough (or have enough resources--it's not entirely their fault) to realize they can finish with ten minutes of help, or who don't even bother to ask if someone is struggling.
But I think in teaching, you just have to realize that you can't get to everyone, and that the victories mean more than the failures. And now I'm kind of just missing the happiness I got from seeing the smiles on kids' faces when they finally understand. But don't worry, self, you'll have plenty more chances to find that feeling. Don't worry.
Suggested life motto: Don't worry.
Suggested life action: Go eat the gummy worms that your mom bought you yesterday.
But really, though, Jen, you should follow your own life motto and don't worry.
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