Maybe you're not supposed to eat salt. For health reasons. Or maybe you just decided to be more healthier. That would be pretty cool. But either way, or any other way as well, also, too, it may become necessary to find new and exciting ways to enrich your pasta consumption. Because none of the other foods served in your cafeteria are nearly as exciting.
First, of course, you always have the option of getting the sauce that comes with the pasta. Like the red sauce that's supposed to make you think it's spaghetti, but really. Who makes spaghetti without meat? Because that red stuff is just weird tomato-y junk mashed up and cooked. No one likes cooked, mashed tomatoes. Raw tomatoes, yes.
Or they have the basically deathly alfredo sauce. I'm sorry. I can't do alfredo. The smell makes me gag. But anyway. I guess if you're a weirdo, you have that option.
But after that, what else can you do? You can still get butter on these noodles. I in fact recommend getting butter on them all the time.
Recipe 1: Butter and pepper. Pepper adds a new texture to your pasta, and it's just as easy as having salt without the same destructiveness to your ears. Just be careful that the weird people don't put salt in their pepper, because then this whole adventure is for naught.
Recipe 2: Butter and the vegetables from the vegan line. These vegetables are usually pretty good, and they are cooked to perfection. Just be careful if there are onions in them. Because onions are dangerous. Don't eat onions.
Recipe 3: Butter and the vegetables from the salad line. These aren't the cooked vegetables, but if you tear up the lettuce and cut up the carrots, you kind of have a salad, with noodles! Don't put dressing on it though. That just ends badly. (Maybe I tried that once. Maybe.)
Recipe 4: Fruit. No butter on these! Fruit and butter don't go well together! I usually go with grapes, just because all the other fruit is hard to put into noodles. But if there are kiwis, those are pretty good too. You just have to work really hard to make sure you don't get any of the weird brown skin. Although I've been informed that some people eat the brown skin. Why would you want to do that?
Recipe 5: Butter and some type of meat. You can go to the sandwich line and just ask for ham or turkey or whatever kind of meat you like, and then tear it up and mix it with the noodles! Maybe even get the bread too, although probably not to put in the noodles. Bread is just delicious!
Recipe 6: Soup. You can put butter on this too, although usually it's better without it. But if you get the noodles and then pour the soup of the day on it, it just adds more delicious texture to the soup! Especially tomato soup. Mmm. I just like tomatoes. Not the weird kind! Remember what I said before!
Recipe 7: Peanut butter. You're just going to have to try this one yourself. Because, seriously. It's pretty good. And I can't even describe it to you.
There! Now you have a week's worth of lovely pasta based meals! You should try them all! And let me know if you have a different way to eat your pasta! I'm always curious!
Monday, October 27, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
How To: Go Home (and Come Back)
Mwa ha ha ha ha! You have survived, I hope, until possibly a time when you get to go back to your house! Not your weird dorm house in a giant building with a bajillion other people, but your really house, with your parents, and your siblings, and your dog, and your cat, and your lizard, and whatever else you left at your house when you went to college! That's so exciting!
First of all, you have to figure out how to get there. That's pretty challenging. Because maybe your mother is tired of driving and by a stroke of luck, someone is visiting you at college and they offer to drive you home. That would be awesome. But if that doesn't happen, you'll probably have to talk to people. Maybe you can plead with them to give you a ride to half way to you house. Maybe you can bribe them. I know candy usually works. Or, less fun for you, you can offer to pay some gas money. Which is actually what you should do, because they're being so kind as to drive you somewhere, even though they were already going that somewhere anyway. But be polite. That's how you make friends.
After you get home, you should hope that your parents didn't decide to move all the furniture. Because that makes you very confused and disoriented. You'll walk in and be like, "I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT MY OWN HOUSE LOOKS LIKE!" And then your mom will tell you that she just moved the furniture today. So you basically had a mini crisis for nothing.
Then you should spend time with your siblings. You've probably forgotten how hilarious they are. Especially if you have brothers. Especially if one of those brothers is twelve. Twelve is a hilarious age. Then you should spend time with your pets. (I don't have pets. But you could definitely reverse these two spending time with people/animals things if you want.)
Of course, don't forget to talk to your parents too. Because maybe if you talk to them, you'll discover that they bought you strawberry ice cream and hid it in the freezer where no one else can find it and you have it all to yourself, and if you don't talk to them, you'll never ever know about it until the last possible day, and you'll be forced to eat it for breakfast. And also, parents are nice people.
Maybe you can go to a movie with your brother. The old one. The old one who's old enough to see R rated movies with you. The old one who's old enough to see R rated movies with you and looks older than you even though he's not and then you get your license checked and he doesn't just because he has a beard. Yeah. That old one. Except be careful that you don't run into any of his friends who doesn't know he has a sister, because then apparently that friend will think you two are dating. Sigh. I really should be used to that by now. But, really. It's just not normal. And it's uncomfortable.
And don't forget to spend time with your friends! You can wander around Target and wear all the stuff in the Halloween/Christmas sections and leave Oreos on random pillars throughout the store! Actually, you probably shouldn't do that last thing. That's not very nice to the people who have to retrieve all the Oreos. And of course, go to Dairy Queen, because there isn't one at all close to where you go to college.
And also don't forget to mourn the friends that don't have break at the same time as you. Because you miss those friends. Maybe they should come back. But anyway.
You can also go visit your very favorite teachers and surprise them so they scream at your faces when you say, "Hola!" That just makes your day. Teachers are the best. No, I'm not biased, thank you very much.
After all this lovely fun stuff happens, apparently you have to go back to college. Maybe you don't feel as excited to go back as did when you were going back to home. But when you get there, you realize that going back to college doesn't feel nearly as weird as going back home felt. Which is weird. Which makes you a little sad. But also makes you a little glad, because you must be doing something right. But you can always go back home in another month at Thanksgiving! And also, they happen to be showing Guardians of the Galaxy as a movie today. So you somehow feel vindicated. You can survive. You will survive.
You will.
Yooouuuuu willllllllll..........
That was totally just me reassuring myself. Don't mind me.
First of all, you have to figure out how to get there. That's pretty challenging. Because maybe your mother is tired of driving and by a stroke of luck, someone is visiting you at college and they offer to drive you home. That would be awesome. But if that doesn't happen, you'll probably have to talk to people. Maybe you can plead with them to give you a ride to half way to you house. Maybe you can bribe them. I know candy usually works. Or, less fun for you, you can offer to pay some gas money. Which is actually what you should do, because they're being so kind as to drive you somewhere, even though they were already going that somewhere anyway. But be polite. That's how you make friends.
After you get home, you should hope that your parents didn't decide to move all the furniture. Because that makes you very confused and disoriented. You'll walk in and be like, "I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT MY OWN HOUSE LOOKS LIKE!" And then your mom will tell you that she just moved the furniture today. So you basically had a mini crisis for nothing.
Then you should spend time with your siblings. You've probably forgotten how hilarious they are. Especially if you have brothers. Especially if one of those brothers is twelve. Twelve is a hilarious age. Then you should spend time with your pets. (I don't have pets. But you could definitely reverse these two spending time with people/animals things if you want.)
Of course, don't forget to talk to your parents too. Because maybe if you talk to them, you'll discover that they bought you strawberry ice cream and hid it in the freezer where no one else can find it and you have it all to yourself, and if you don't talk to them, you'll never ever know about it until the last possible day, and you'll be forced to eat it for breakfast. And also, parents are nice people.
Maybe you can go to a movie with your brother. The old one. The old one who's old enough to see R rated movies with you. The old one who's old enough to see R rated movies with you and looks older than you even though he's not and then you get your license checked and he doesn't just because he has a beard. Yeah. That old one. Except be careful that you don't run into any of his friends who doesn't know he has a sister, because then apparently that friend will think you two are dating. Sigh. I really should be used to that by now. But, really. It's just not normal. And it's uncomfortable.
And don't forget to spend time with your friends! You can wander around Target and wear all the stuff in the Halloween/Christmas sections and leave Oreos on random pillars throughout the store! Actually, you probably shouldn't do that last thing. That's not very nice to the people who have to retrieve all the Oreos. And of course, go to Dairy Queen, because there isn't one at all close to where you go to college.
And also don't forget to mourn the friends that don't have break at the same time as you. Because you miss those friends. Maybe they should come back. But anyway.
You can also go visit your very favorite teachers and surprise them so they scream at your faces when you say, "Hola!" That just makes your day. Teachers are the best. No, I'm not biased, thank you very much.
After all this lovely fun stuff happens, apparently you have to go back to college. Maybe you don't feel as excited to go back as did when you were going back to home. But when you get there, you realize that going back to college doesn't feel nearly as weird as going back home felt. Which is weird. Which makes you a little sad. But also makes you a little glad, because you must be doing something right. But you can always go back home in another month at Thanksgiving! And also, they happen to be showing Guardians of the Galaxy as a movie today. So you somehow feel vindicated. You can survive. You will survive.
You will.
Yooouuuuu willllllllll..........
That was totally just me reassuring myself. Don't mind me.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
How To: Homework
By now, I might guess because I'm having this problem, you may be a little homework-ly-intensive-ly struggling through your sixth week of college. And also, midterms. No one likes tests. Especially you. But I like tests. Because it means no homework! I mean, no real homework. I guess you're still supposed to study, but that's for sure not required.
But, before you get to study, you have to do lots of menial work. All the people who told you what college was like probably said that college was a lot of long term, important, heavily weighted things like essays and finals. However, these people probably were talking about what happens in the final years of your college career. Because right now, you still have a bunch of stuff to do every single stinking day.
Firstly, I recommend that schedule your classes so you only have classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That way you have a whole day in between to get everything done. Plus, Tuesdays and Thursdays are super super boring and they make you look forward to having classes on the other days.
If this isn't possible because your college is cruel and evil, you'll have to learn how to budget your time more constructively. You should try to get as much homework done before dinner, because usually important meetings happen after dinner, and also, sleep is good. Don't be the stereotypical college kid that stays up super late all the time. Plus, you'll probably want the time after dinner to be relaxing and filled with things that don't stress you out.
Also, I recommend doing the easy things first. Because then you'll feel like you're really making progress. For example, if you have four, five minute Spanish things to do, do them right away, and you'll be like, "I just finished four whole things! I can take a break now!" And then you can take a break! Then, after you've adequately rested, you can tackle the harder things. Usually the harder things involve reading long portions of text. These are only hard because they take up so much time. But you won't feel as bad once you've gotten all the menial work out of the way!
If you have essays to write, usually your professor will ask for a rough draft. That is basically a code for, "Please write this essay in 45 minutes so I can see who writes well in a short amount of time." Don't waste a bunch of time on a first draft when you know you're going to have to change a bunch of it anyway. Plus, if you've thoroughly read/researched your topic, you should only need about ten minutes per page. That means a four page essay could be done in 40 minutes. This works especially well for essays where you're supposed to analyze a long book with a specific prompt. Because "specific" actually means "only use this chapter to find your evidence." Then you don't have to go around and hunt through the book for a bajillion different quotes about a bajillion different things.
The only thing you should actually be worried about when it comes to homework is the speaking/presentation aspects of it. If you need to do something memorized, you really do actually need to practice. You should first write out the thing you want to say, because even though it might sound good in your head, the words on the paper sound better out loud. Then you should read the thing in your head. Then you should read it out loud and see how many people look at you like you're a weirdo. Then you should see how far you can get without having to look at the paper. Maybe even hide the paper so you can't cheat, and so you can also see what you would do if you indeed forgot part of your presentation in the middle. Improvisation is a good skill. Also, maybe, if you have friends or people in your classes who tolerate you, you can practice with them. They will tell you all the places you messed up. Don't worry; it's called constructive criticism.
Also, color. Color with crayons. This is the best stress relieving advice for homework ever. Color a cow. Or a turtle. Or maybe a rainbow. Then maybe all you troubles will melt away and you won't even have homework anymore.
But, before you get to study, you have to do lots of menial work. All the people who told you what college was like probably said that college was a lot of long term, important, heavily weighted things like essays and finals. However, these people probably were talking about what happens in the final years of your college career. Because right now, you still have a bunch of stuff to do every single stinking day.
Firstly, I recommend that schedule your classes so you only have classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That way you have a whole day in between to get everything done. Plus, Tuesdays and Thursdays are super super boring and they make you look forward to having classes on the other days.
If this isn't possible because your college is cruel and evil, you'll have to learn how to budget your time more constructively. You should try to get as much homework done before dinner, because usually important meetings happen after dinner, and also, sleep is good. Don't be the stereotypical college kid that stays up super late all the time. Plus, you'll probably want the time after dinner to be relaxing and filled with things that don't stress you out.
Also, I recommend doing the easy things first. Because then you'll feel like you're really making progress. For example, if you have four, five minute Spanish things to do, do them right away, and you'll be like, "I just finished four whole things! I can take a break now!" And then you can take a break! Then, after you've adequately rested, you can tackle the harder things. Usually the harder things involve reading long portions of text. These are only hard because they take up so much time. But you won't feel as bad once you've gotten all the menial work out of the way!
If you have essays to write, usually your professor will ask for a rough draft. That is basically a code for, "Please write this essay in 45 minutes so I can see who writes well in a short amount of time." Don't waste a bunch of time on a first draft when you know you're going to have to change a bunch of it anyway. Plus, if you've thoroughly read/researched your topic, you should only need about ten minutes per page. That means a four page essay could be done in 40 minutes. This works especially well for essays where you're supposed to analyze a long book with a specific prompt. Because "specific" actually means "only use this chapter to find your evidence." Then you don't have to go around and hunt through the book for a bajillion different quotes about a bajillion different things.
The only thing you should actually be worried about when it comes to homework is the speaking/presentation aspects of it. If you need to do something memorized, you really do actually need to practice. You should first write out the thing you want to say, because even though it might sound good in your head, the words on the paper sound better out loud. Then you should read the thing in your head. Then you should read it out loud and see how many people look at you like you're a weirdo. Then you should see how far you can get without having to look at the paper. Maybe even hide the paper so you can't cheat, and so you can also see what you would do if you indeed forgot part of your presentation in the middle. Improvisation is a good skill. Also, maybe, if you have friends or people in your classes who tolerate you, you can practice with them. They will tell you all the places you messed up. Don't worry; it's called constructive criticism.
Also, color. Color with crayons. This is the best stress relieving advice for homework ever. Color a cow. Or a turtle. Or maybe a rainbow. Then maybe all you troubles will melt away and you won't even have homework anymore.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Open Letters to a Random Guy, Some Inanimate Objects and Frankenstein's Monster
Dear Fork,
Why are you so pointy? I basically just impaled my hand with your tines. Not to mention that you just came out of the dishwasher, and the metal-y part of you is basically flames. Well, at least my wound is cauterized now.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Bowls,
I think you are my least favorite dishware of all. Your curved angle makes water bounce back into my face all the time. And sometimes you get lasagna in my eyes. I think you're just jealous of you healthily shaped plate family members. Why don't you go get flatted? I'm sure it's not expensive.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Food,
Please stop looking so unappetizing when I have to scrape bits of you off people's plates for three hours a day. I mean, come on. I used to like eggs.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Cereal,
Did you know that you get soggy after sitting in milk for an unspecified length of time? It's unpleasant. Maybe you should stop being made of grains and things that absorb milk. Maybe you should be made of steel. (I don't know. Does steel absorb milk?)
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Random Guy Who Filled a Cup With Syrup, and then Put Cocoa Puffs in the Syrup, and then Tore Up a Napkin and Put it in the Syrup, and then Stirred,
Are you devil spawn? Did you know that napkins can't go down the garbage disposal? Did you know that means I had to spend ridiculous amounts of time picking your napkin out of the syrup? Did you know that while accomplishing this task, I spent most of my brain energy thinking up creative ways to punish your face? Well you know these things now. It's not a threat. It's really not. I'd just sleep with both eyes open from now on.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Frankenstein's Monster,
I understand that you didn't ask to be created. I understand that maybe Victor should take responsibility for creating you as such a weird looking guy. But what I don't understand is why you don't just make a friend for yourself. I mean, you're obviously pretty smart. You learned how to talk and read and write from watching three people through a window. Don't tell me you couldn't figure out how to make for yourself another creature. Although you don't know what the moon is. So maybe not.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Oreos,
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jen
Why are you so pointy? I basically just impaled my hand with your tines. Not to mention that you just came out of the dishwasher, and the metal-y part of you is basically flames. Well, at least my wound is cauterized now.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Bowls,
I think you are my least favorite dishware of all. Your curved angle makes water bounce back into my face all the time. And sometimes you get lasagna in my eyes. I think you're just jealous of you healthily shaped plate family members. Why don't you go get flatted? I'm sure it's not expensive.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Food,
Please stop looking so unappetizing when I have to scrape bits of you off people's plates for three hours a day. I mean, come on. I used to like eggs.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Cereal,
Did you know that you get soggy after sitting in milk for an unspecified length of time? It's unpleasant. Maybe you should stop being made of grains and things that absorb milk. Maybe you should be made of steel. (I don't know. Does steel absorb milk?)
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Random Guy Who Filled a Cup With Syrup, and then Put Cocoa Puffs in the Syrup, and then Tore Up a Napkin and Put it in the Syrup, and then Stirred,
Are you devil spawn? Did you know that napkins can't go down the garbage disposal? Did you know that means I had to spend ridiculous amounts of time picking your napkin out of the syrup? Did you know that while accomplishing this task, I spent most of my brain energy thinking up creative ways to punish your face? Well you know these things now. It's not a threat. It's really not. I'd just sleep with both eyes open from now on.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Frankenstein's Monster,
I understand that you didn't ask to be created. I understand that maybe Victor should take responsibility for creating you as such a weird looking guy. But what I don't understand is why you don't just make a friend for yourself. I mean, you're obviously pretty smart. You learned how to talk and read and write from watching three people through a window. Don't tell me you couldn't figure out how to make for yourself another creature. Although you don't know what the moon is. So maybe not.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Oreos,
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jen
Monday, October 6, 2014
How To: Live in the Arctic
I don't know about you, but I think the Arctic is basically Iowa in October.
I also think I just cut my tongue on an M&M.
But maybe you live in a more mild climate than I do.
It's not actually that cold out, if you go outside. But my dorm building is seriously freezing. I could be wearing four shirts right now, and I probably wouldn't be warm. If I was smart, I'd go to the library to type things and do homework. But my room is nice. And all my pictures of my people are on my desk.
I checked the thermostat in our room today, the thermostat that doesn't let you change anything, but just shows you the temperature, because that's helpful, and it says that this room here is 59 degrees. Fahrenheit, in case you were thinking that route. Why? Why, super old building that doesn't have air conditioning and also apparently heat? Why?
So anyway, in order to survive these frozen conditions, you should always wear a parka. And if you don't have a parka, maybe just wear three sweatshirts and then your normal jacket. And occasionally you should go outside to thaw.
If you have the magical capabilities of being able to have a warm beverage maker in your room, or at easy access to you, you can also make some type of warm thing with which you'll probably burn your tongue off, but at least you'll be warm, gosh darn it!
Or, as I implied I should be doing, you could go to a warm place to work. Try the library! They have to keep it the perfect temperature in there, otherwise people will complain, and no children will come, and they'll have to shut it down for lack of use! (Just kidding. That might be melodramatic.)
I'm going to have to cut this really short, because my fingers are actually getting too stiff to type. I need socks for my hands. That's what mittens are, you say? I beg to differ. Just because I like to argue. That's a lie. I actually hate arguing. Unless it's fake arguing. It just depends. GAH! Okay. I'm going now. If you find me fossilized in an ice berg sometime in the far off future, just know that it wasn't your fault. (Unless it was. Because if it was, I will totally know it was you, and I will haunt your face.)
I also think I just cut my tongue on an M&M.
But maybe you live in a more mild climate than I do.
It's not actually that cold out, if you go outside. But my dorm building is seriously freezing. I could be wearing four shirts right now, and I probably wouldn't be warm. If I was smart, I'd go to the library to type things and do homework. But my room is nice. And all my pictures of my people are on my desk.
I checked the thermostat in our room today, the thermostat that doesn't let you change anything, but just shows you the temperature, because that's helpful, and it says that this room here is 59 degrees. Fahrenheit, in case you were thinking that route. Why? Why, super old building that doesn't have air conditioning and also apparently heat? Why?
So anyway, in order to survive these frozen conditions, you should always wear a parka. And if you don't have a parka, maybe just wear three sweatshirts and then your normal jacket. And occasionally you should go outside to thaw.
If you have the magical capabilities of being able to have a warm beverage maker in your room, or at easy access to you, you can also make some type of warm thing with which you'll probably burn your tongue off, but at least you'll be warm, gosh darn it!
Or, as I implied I should be doing, you could go to a warm place to work. Try the library! They have to keep it the perfect temperature in there, otherwise people will complain, and no children will come, and they'll have to shut it down for lack of use! (Just kidding. That might be melodramatic.)
I'm going to have to cut this really short, because my fingers are actually getting too stiff to type. I need socks for my hands. That's what mittens are, you say? I beg to differ. Just because I like to argue. That's a lie. I actually hate arguing. Unless it's fake arguing. It just depends. GAH! Okay. I'm going now. If you find me fossilized in an ice berg sometime in the far off future, just know that it wasn't your fault. (Unless it was. Because if it was, I will totally know it was you, and I will haunt your face.)
Friday, October 3, 2014
How To: Random Lectures
You know what the hardest part of college is? Having to pay attention to stuff you would never care about in a million years. Yet somehow, you find yourself taking a class in astrophysics, and apparently you have to go to lectures.
I actually don't have this problem, firstly because my college doesn't offer courses in astrophysics (that I'm aware of), and secondly because my college isn't really big enough to offer lecture classes on a regular basis. I do, however, occasionally have to attend a lecture for my pseudo-English class, as I so endearingly call it to people outside my college circle who may or may not know what Paideia means. And when this happens, I wonder how people can possibly survive these things on a daily basis.
I'd like to point out that my pseudo-English class usually is held in a small classroom with 15 other students like myself, although varying just slightly enough to where we have a kid who compared Frankenstein's monster to a chicken nugget. It's supposed to be a discussion class in which we discuss the answer to the question, "What does it mean to be human?" by reading various books and primary sources. Sounds like your basic English class. But alas! It is a pseudo-English. (Honestly, I just like the prefix pseudo.) Anyway.
And so when we start a new reading, we have to go a lecture. All the students who have the class at the same time gather in our largest lecture hall which, if I remember correctly holds about 150. And then they talk to us for an hour. Surviving can be a challenge.
I first recommend that you don't take notes at all. Because note-taking can be very distracting. You can listen more thoroughly if you don't try to write down what the professor is saying and what the powerpoint is saying and what you are thinking. That's just too much multitasking for even the brightest of the people. (And who invented powerpoint anyway? Their thought process must be like this: "Ooh! Let me put words on a screen, the same words that I'm going to be saying, but when I say them, I'll alter them just slightly enough to make the students wonder which version of events I actually meant to emphasize." Stupid powerpoint. We should just stick to chalk. Except it gets your hands all dusty.)
When you've decided to not take notes, you should still keep your notebook out, because you don't want to start a non-note-taker revolution at your school. Other kids who are still under the delusion that some time in the future they may look back at their notes and find something of value other than a random scribble are (highly confused, yes, but also) still in the optimistic phase of their schooling careers. Maybe you can doodle a little bit. I actually think doodling stimulates the mind. Maybe doodle a cow. Or a turtle. Or a turtle riding on a cow. Or a turtle wearing socks and riding on a cow. But that just may be too complicated if you're not considering being an art major, and you should probably just stick to flowers and suns.
Sometimes, even if it's the most horrible thing in the world, you should look at the professor who is giving the lecture. Otherwise, it's easy to completely lose track of the point. Actually, by this time, you've probably lost track of the point so far that you can't even remember why you're still sitting in the chair.
After you lose all sense of purpose, you should doodle on your hand. I advise stick people on each of your fingers because then you can wiggle them around and have a pretend family. And if you're extra skillful/ambidextrous (OH MY GOODNESS, I TOTALLY SPELLED THAT WORD RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY NOTHING THIS AMAZING HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER) you can even have two families of people, one on each hand, and then you can have a whole story! Maybe they're feuding like Romeo and Juliet (of which I don't actually know the story because my English teacher never let us read it, but only made us watch a creepy 1960s version of the movie), or maybe they're best friends, or maybe the parents are going insane because the children want a pet giraffe. Basically, the stick-person-finger-world is open for you to explore. (Also, I honestly just like hyphenating random things. (And I didn't spell hyphenating correctly on the first try. (Thank goodness for spell check.))) (That was totally three parentheses all mashed together. Is that a skill?)
If you do draw on your hand, maybe you should make sure you're either not sitting by anyone who is likely to take a picture of your strangeness and post it on social media, OR you should sit by someone who you don't care if they're likely to take a picture of your strangeness and post it on social media. Probably the first thing is more likely, but good news world! I definitely kind of sat by someone who I wouldn't care if they took a picture of my strangeness and posted it on social media. That's basically like almost having an almost friend.
And when a lecture is over, apparently it's common courtesy to clap for the professor speaker guy? I don't know. (I definitely just spelled courtesy so wrong that spell check didn't have any suggestions for me. All my excitement over that one word is basically gone.) I just hope that one day people clap for me for doing my job. That would be great.
The hardest part, probably, is leaving the lecture hall. Because you might get stampled. That's a mix of the words "stomped" and "trampled". So be careful walking down the stairs. And don't push people. Pushing is for kindergarten. "And in kindergarten, we share everything!" Sorry. That was a reference for my brother. If he read my blog. Which he doesn't. Loser.
Wow. I'm really on a lot of tangents today. Holy moly. I actually just thought of changing the title to, "How To: Random Lectures--Emphasis on the Random, but not on the Lectures" because of how weird this is. But I won't. Because that's too long. You're welcome.
Then you should probably wash off your lovely finger family, especially if you have other places to be. Because it's going to be hard to explain that one.
I actually don't have this problem, firstly because my college doesn't offer courses in astrophysics (that I'm aware of), and secondly because my college isn't really big enough to offer lecture classes on a regular basis. I do, however, occasionally have to attend a lecture for my pseudo-English class, as I so endearingly call it to people outside my college circle who may or may not know what Paideia means. And when this happens, I wonder how people can possibly survive these things on a daily basis.
I'd like to point out that my pseudo-English class usually is held in a small classroom with 15 other students like myself, although varying just slightly enough to where we have a kid who compared Frankenstein's monster to a chicken nugget. It's supposed to be a discussion class in which we discuss the answer to the question, "What does it mean to be human?" by reading various books and primary sources. Sounds like your basic English class. But alas! It is a pseudo-English. (Honestly, I just like the prefix pseudo.) Anyway.
And so when we start a new reading, we have to go a lecture. All the students who have the class at the same time gather in our largest lecture hall which, if I remember correctly holds about 150. And then they talk to us for an hour. Surviving can be a challenge.
I first recommend that you don't take notes at all. Because note-taking can be very distracting. You can listen more thoroughly if you don't try to write down what the professor is saying and what the powerpoint is saying and what you are thinking. That's just too much multitasking for even the brightest of the people. (And who invented powerpoint anyway? Their thought process must be like this: "Ooh! Let me put words on a screen, the same words that I'm going to be saying, but when I say them, I'll alter them just slightly enough to make the students wonder which version of events I actually meant to emphasize." Stupid powerpoint. We should just stick to chalk. Except it gets your hands all dusty.)
When you've decided to not take notes, you should still keep your notebook out, because you don't want to start a non-note-taker revolution at your school. Other kids who are still under the delusion that some time in the future they may look back at their notes and find something of value other than a random scribble are (highly confused, yes, but also) still in the optimistic phase of their schooling careers. Maybe you can doodle a little bit. I actually think doodling stimulates the mind. Maybe doodle a cow. Or a turtle. Or a turtle riding on a cow. Or a turtle wearing socks and riding on a cow. But that just may be too complicated if you're not considering being an art major, and you should probably just stick to flowers and suns.
Sometimes, even if it's the most horrible thing in the world, you should look at the professor who is giving the lecture. Otherwise, it's easy to completely lose track of the point. Actually, by this time, you've probably lost track of the point so far that you can't even remember why you're still sitting in the chair.
After you lose all sense of purpose, you should doodle on your hand. I advise stick people on each of your fingers because then you can wiggle them around and have a pretend family. And if you're extra skillful/ambidextrous (OH MY GOODNESS, I TOTALLY SPELLED THAT WORD RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY NOTHING THIS AMAZING HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER) you can even have two families of people, one on each hand, and then you can have a whole story! Maybe they're feuding like Romeo and Juliet (of which I don't actually know the story because my English teacher never let us read it, but only made us watch a creepy 1960s version of the movie), or maybe they're best friends, or maybe the parents are going insane because the children want a pet giraffe. Basically, the stick-person-finger-world is open for you to explore. (Also, I honestly just like hyphenating random things. (And I didn't spell hyphenating correctly on the first try. (Thank goodness for spell check.))) (That was totally three parentheses all mashed together. Is that a skill?)
If you do draw on your hand, maybe you should make sure you're either not sitting by anyone who is likely to take a picture of your strangeness and post it on social media, OR you should sit by someone who you don't care if they're likely to take a picture of your strangeness and post it on social media. Probably the first thing is more likely, but good news world! I definitely kind of sat by someone who I wouldn't care if they took a picture of my strangeness and posted it on social media. That's basically like almost having an almost friend.
And when a lecture is over, apparently it's common courtesy to clap for the professor speaker guy? I don't know. (I definitely just spelled courtesy so wrong that spell check didn't have any suggestions for me. All my excitement over that one word is basically gone.) I just hope that one day people clap for me for doing my job. That would be great.
The hardest part, probably, is leaving the lecture hall. Because you might get stampled. That's a mix of the words "stomped" and "trampled". So be careful walking down the stairs. And don't push people. Pushing is for kindergarten. "And in kindergarten, we share everything!" Sorry. That was a reference for my brother. If he read my blog. Which he doesn't. Loser.
Wow. I'm really on a lot of tangents today. Holy moly. I actually just thought of changing the title to, "How To: Random Lectures--Emphasis on the Random, but not on the Lectures" because of how weird this is. But I won't. Because that's too long. You're welcome.
Then you should probably wash off your lovely finger family, especially if you have other places to be. Because it's going to be hard to explain that one.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
How To: Question Your Life
Apparently, college is a place where the world makes you wonder what the heck you're doing with your life. Perhaps you just don't know what you want to do in the first place, and if this is the case, you might even be better off than some of your dead-set-on-a-profession peers. But still. It can be a struggle when everything you thought you knew is turned upside down and backwards, and your college years seem like they're trickling away like sand in a highly unforgiving hourglass. (Don't worry, they're actually probably not. You still have a lot of time.)
Given this feeling, it's normal to question if the things you see yourself doing in the future are good enough or important enough. It's necessary, however, to do these mid-second-month-of-college crises in a logical and rational way. Don't just jump overboard on the whole college thing yet. Because even if it feels like you might face plant on the ground, given the right circumstances, you can actually recall why it is you wanted to what you want to do in the first place.
Since this is my blog, after all, I get to write my own personal anecdotes about myself. Because bloggers are always selfish and have a narrow, narcissistic view of the world. Of course. I don't know. Maybe they don't. I can't remember. Anyway, let me tell you my worries.
First of all, I want to be a teacher. Sometimes, if people are feeling generous, they call this a "noble calling." But most times, I just get strange looks and people asking me, "Why do you want to waste your talent on something like that? No one respects teachers." And this is where the whole entire self-questioning problem begins.
I could go in to detail about the American education system, and how much it leaves to be desired, and how teachers are forced to teach to the test, and how kids are left behind, not because they struggle, but because they excel, but I won't. There are so many things I want to change, so many things that I want to improve, because the thing that I care about most are the kids. Kids like me, who maybe wouldn't have even known how to read unless some caring individual decided I was worth it, and now I get to go to college at a selective school (apparently, no guarantees on the selectiveness; I've witnessed some things that ring of middle school here) simply because someone saw the whole me instead of just another kid they have to get through to the next grade so they can start all over with a whole new bunch of kids. I want to be the teachers that I've had. I want to change someone's life. I want to make someone see that they actually can do that thing they've tried so hard to do. But I'm terrified that I can't.
Everyday at college, there's always that new person you meet. And inevitably, you go through the conversation with them, asking where they're from, how they like it here, and of course, what they want to study. And when I tell them I want to teach, almost always I can see the spark in their eye that was there from meeting a new person instantly go out. I'm off the radar of someone they want to know, all because I want to teach. Somewhere along in the line of time in America, people got it into their heads that teachers are the people who can't make it elsewhere in the world. I'll overhear conversations that go like this: "Oh, I really wanted to study [insert random field of math/science], but it was too hard. So maybe I'll go teach." WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?
How can I be expected to have confidence in my career choice when everywhere I turn, people are shooting it down, often without meaning to? It feels like they're basically saying to my face that I've chosen the easiest job there is, that I've taken the easy way out of life. Why is teaching a secondary option to what people really want to do? I don't want to be judged for being a teacher, when, clearly, there is something much more valuable I could be doing with my time.
I don't know. Maybe the people who tell me that teaching is the quick way out have had bad teachers all their lives. Maybe they've never had someone who really believed in them, and who really wanted to help them. And maybe that's because they just keep perpetuating the cycle. They shame people who really want to be teachers, and guess what! You're left with only the bad ones. The good ones care too much to stick around. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop caring. Man. There is not a good solution to this problem.
But you know what? After my brain runs through these scenarios multiple, multiple times while I'm lying in bed (because of course your brain runs in overdrive right before you try to sleep), I actually think about teaching. And when I do, it's amazing. My entire body freezes up because I want to teach so badly. I get this weirdly giddy smile on my face that just won't leave. Sometimes I giggle a little. I hope I don't wake up my roommate. I think about being in a classroom with kids. I think about telling them stories that will help them learn. I think about all the lessons I want to implement, and all the different ways I can use to reach kids. I think about having that moment when the light just shines upon a student's face because they finally understand. And I want that. I want all of that.
So I can't let go. I won't give up just because some societal norm says that teachers don't get the same hardships as the rest of the world. Maybe people think that because teachers just make it look easy. And good for them. We don't want the people who take the easy way out. We want the people who do it because they giggle creepily in the night because they just can't help but smile at the thought of reaching out to that one kid somewhere who needs them.
Basically, it's okay, and probably good to freak out about the future. But if--when you remember why you wanted to do it in the first place--you can't stop thinking about all the good things, it's probably right for you. Don't let the lamies tell you it's not. They don't know you. I know you. Because you're totally the only one reading this blog.
Sometimes I say I'll move to Norway to teach. Because Norway's educational system is just better, and teachers are valued, and life would be good. But I think I want to change some things here first. Then I'll go to Norway and improve their educational system too.
Given this feeling, it's normal to question if the things you see yourself doing in the future are good enough or important enough. It's necessary, however, to do these mid-second-month-of-college crises in a logical and rational way. Don't just jump overboard on the whole college thing yet. Because even if it feels like you might face plant on the ground, given the right circumstances, you can actually recall why it is you wanted to what you want to do in the first place.
Since this is my blog, after all, I get to write my own personal anecdotes about myself. Because bloggers are always selfish and have a narrow, narcissistic view of the world. Of course. I don't know. Maybe they don't. I can't remember. Anyway, let me tell you my worries.
First of all, I want to be a teacher. Sometimes, if people are feeling generous, they call this a "noble calling." But most times, I just get strange looks and people asking me, "Why do you want to waste your talent on something like that? No one respects teachers." And this is where the whole entire self-questioning problem begins.
I could go in to detail about the American education system, and how much it leaves to be desired, and how teachers are forced to teach to the test, and how kids are left behind, not because they struggle, but because they excel, but I won't. There are so many things I want to change, so many things that I want to improve, because the thing that I care about most are the kids. Kids like me, who maybe wouldn't have even known how to read unless some caring individual decided I was worth it, and now I get to go to college at a selective school (apparently, no guarantees on the selectiveness; I've witnessed some things that ring of middle school here) simply because someone saw the whole me instead of just another kid they have to get through to the next grade so they can start all over with a whole new bunch of kids. I want to be the teachers that I've had. I want to change someone's life. I want to make someone see that they actually can do that thing they've tried so hard to do. But I'm terrified that I can't.
Everyday at college, there's always that new person you meet. And inevitably, you go through the conversation with them, asking where they're from, how they like it here, and of course, what they want to study. And when I tell them I want to teach, almost always I can see the spark in their eye that was there from meeting a new person instantly go out. I'm off the radar of someone they want to know, all because I want to teach. Somewhere along in the line of time in America, people got it into their heads that teachers are the people who can't make it elsewhere in the world. I'll overhear conversations that go like this: "Oh, I really wanted to study [insert random field of math/science], but it was too hard. So maybe I'll go teach." WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?
How can I be expected to have confidence in my career choice when everywhere I turn, people are shooting it down, often without meaning to? It feels like they're basically saying to my face that I've chosen the easiest job there is, that I've taken the easy way out of life. Why is teaching a secondary option to what people really want to do? I don't want to be judged for being a teacher, when, clearly, there is something much more valuable I could be doing with my time.
I don't know. Maybe the people who tell me that teaching is the quick way out have had bad teachers all their lives. Maybe they've never had someone who really believed in them, and who really wanted to help them. And maybe that's because they just keep perpetuating the cycle. They shame people who really want to be teachers, and guess what! You're left with only the bad ones. The good ones care too much to stick around. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop caring. Man. There is not a good solution to this problem.
But you know what? After my brain runs through these scenarios multiple, multiple times while I'm lying in bed (because of course your brain runs in overdrive right before you try to sleep), I actually think about teaching. And when I do, it's amazing. My entire body freezes up because I want to teach so badly. I get this weirdly giddy smile on my face that just won't leave. Sometimes I giggle a little. I hope I don't wake up my roommate. I think about being in a classroom with kids. I think about telling them stories that will help them learn. I think about all the lessons I want to implement, and all the different ways I can use to reach kids. I think about having that moment when the light just shines upon a student's face because they finally understand. And I want that. I want all of that.
So I can't let go. I won't give up just because some societal norm says that teachers don't get the same hardships as the rest of the world. Maybe people think that because teachers just make it look easy. And good for them. We don't want the people who take the easy way out. We want the people who do it because they giggle creepily in the night because they just can't help but smile at the thought of reaching out to that one kid somewhere who needs them.
Basically, it's okay, and probably good to freak out about the future. But if--when you remember why you wanted to do it in the first place--you can't stop thinking about all the good things, it's probably right for you. Don't let the lamies tell you it's not. They don't know you. I know you. Because you're totally the only one reading this blog.
Sometimes I say I'll move to Norway to teach. Because Norway's educational system is just better, and teachers are valued, and life would be good. But I think I want to change some things here first. Then I'll go to Norway and improve their educational system too.
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