This will actually probably be a list, because there are simply so many steps to staying up late. And also, it's hard to write complete things when it's late.
Note: The things on the list do not have to be done necessarily in the order in which they are presented.
1. Work until 8:30 pm in the dish room
2. Realize that you may have gotten some lasagna on your face
3. Take a shower
4. Make sure the shower you take is at least 45 minutes long, because you're paying $46,000 a year to go to college, so you better get your money's worth out of that unending hot water, GOSH DARN IT
5. Realize you have no clean pajamas left
6. Put on some jeans and hope the air cools off in your room
7. Be hungry, because you ate at 4 o'clock before you went to work, and now it's basically 9:45 pm
8. Eat some crackers and pepperoni because actually cooking something is too hard
9. Realize you still have 59 pages of your book to read for class tomorrow
10. Also realize you still have 5 Spanish homework activities to do before midnight
11. Text with your brother while trying to accomplish said homework activities
12. Realize you actually have no clothes to wear tomorrow, and if you don't do laundry, you might have to wander around campus in your bathrobe
13. Haul all your laundry downstairs only to realize that you have more than one load
14. Realize you have no money left on your laundry card
15. Walk all the way to the place where you can put money on your laundry card and wander around in the dimly lit hallway until you find the magic money sucking machine and hope you brought something other than ones, because apparently the machine doesn't take ones
16. Do two loads of laundry at once
17. Haul all your undone homework and your laptop downstairs to become a laundry room lurker
18. Finish reading
19. Ask your friend for advice on your personal life
20. Give your friend advice on their personal life
21. Finish your Spanish
22. Stalk all your important people on Facebook
23. Haul all your laundry upstairs only to find your roommate sleeping (because, of course, it is midnight and a half) and try to put your clothes away silently and in the dark
24. Stub your toe on some unknown object by your desk and freak out by jumping up and down up and down up and down up and down
25. Crawl into bed
26. Realize you didn't take your contacts out
27. Climb out of bed
28. Take your contacts out
29. Realize you should probably also brush your teeth
30. Try to go back to bed, but don't be able to sleep because you don't want to have weird scary dreams like you usually have
31. Listen to music (specifically all of the five Coldplay albums you have on your iPod)
32. Go for a walk outside
33. Have ears that hurt because the weather systems have decided to change randomly and press upon your inner ear
34. Grab your laptop and sit outside your room so you don't wake up your roommate
35. Write a blog about your skillful ability to stay up late in college
Monday, September 29, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
How To: Eat - Part 2
Apparently college students don't like to eat in the cafeteria all the time. Also, apparently some college students have more choices for eating elsewhere than I do. On my campus, there is only one restaurant that is actually part of the college. And there's one little store where you can buy snacks and things like that. So, if I don't want to eat in the cafeteria every day, I have to be a bit creative.
Other people might experience the situation in which they have entire (basically) strip malls full of different types of food that they might purchase. I can't really comment on how to navigate these things, but I assume that they work in much the same way a food establishment would work were you not on the campus of a college. You probably have to pay with money. UNLESS! Unless you have a magic card with magic dollars that lets you pay for things like food as part of your dining plan. Then maybe you don't need money. But you should also be careful that you don't run out of money very quickly That would be sad.
In the event that you live on a tiny little campus like me, OH. I forgot that we have a cafe here too! It's so cute and little and cafe like! Anyway, you should maybe explore your other options in eating. Because after a while, eating the weird pasta and salad and pizza and hamburger and eggs probably gets old. And also, the entree is usually really weird. Like very, very culturally inclusive food. And if you're like me, trying new things is danger. It's literally filled with danger. Like, what if you eat something that you expect to taste like chicken, but it actually tastes like flaming hot chili peppers of death? That could be a thing that happens! Don't try new things!
You should maybe go into the restaurant, even if you look like a weirdie for eating in a restaurant by yourself. You already eat aloe most of the time, why should being in a different place matter? They might have new and delicious food! Although, for sure don't try any of the things you wouldn't normally try, because, again, danger. Or you could go to the cafe and order a cafe like item. Maybe a bagel--except bagels are way worse than the muffins you could be getting were you eating in the cafeteria--or maybe a smoothie or some weirdly smelling chocolate.
If you're feeling truly adventurous, you could even go off campus and walk around the city to see if you can find any local establishments that might offer a variety of nondangerous foods that you could try. Maybe go at a time when there aren't that many people to be strange and frightening, like at not a meal time, because then you'll have to deal with people asking you why you're all alone and if you're alright. Although, maybe the people in your town aren't that friendly. So maybe you could go whenever you want, and no one would ever say anything to you!
If all else fails with regards to finding food, there's always the option to have food stashed in your room. I actually highly recommend this, because there might be days when you feel like the world is out to get you and you should probably just avoid all the people ever. When this happens, food that doesn't require being cooked by someone else is a must. You could have some noodles to cook, assuming you have easy access to a stove. Or maybe some popcorn, assuming you can have access to a microwave. Or, even better, you could have some cheese and crackers and maybe some pepperoni, because eating these doesn't even require leaving your room! Complete and utter avoidance of anyone who may seem strange or disquieting.
And also, you should have some delicious snack foods on hand, because sometimes the desserts in the cafeteria--while they're very nice--just don't cut it. You need more chocolate than that weirdly vanilla pudding provided. Or maybe people think rice crispie bars are a suitable substitute for real dessert. Those people are sadly mistaken, and should probably be summoned for some sort of undetermined consultation. Make sure you can make up for it with some extra cookies or M&Ms that you have hidden from prying eyes and fingers.
Remember, eating is the most important thing you can do with your life. Don't waste it on mushy pasta. Because no one wants mushy pasta. Who even decided to make that? I don't understand.
Other people might experience the situation in which they have entire (basically) strip malls full of different types of food that they might purchase. I can't really comment on how to navigate these things, but I assume that they work in much the same way a food establishment would work were you not on the campus of a college. You probably have to pay with money. UNLESS! Unless you have a magic card with magic dollars that lets you pay for things like food as part of your dining plan. Then maybe you don't need money. But you should also be careful that you don't run out of money very quickly That would be sad.
In the event that you live on a tiny little campus like me, OH. I forgot that we have a cafe here too! It's so cute and little and cafe like! Anyway, you should maybe explore your other options in eating. Because after a while, eating the weird pasta and salad and pizza and hamburger and eggs probably gets old. And also, the entree is usually really weird. Like very, very culturally inclusive food. And if you're like me, trying new things is danger. It's literally filled with danger. Like, what if you eat something that you expect to taste like chicken, but it actually tastes like flaming hot chili peppers of death? That could be a thing that happens! Don't try new things!
You should maybe go into the restaurant, even if you look like a weirdie for eating in a restaurant by yourself. You already eat aloe most of the time, why should being in a different place matter? They might have new and delicious food! Although, for sure don't try any of the things you wouldn't normally try, because, again, danger. Or you could go to the cafe and order a cafe like item. Maybe a bagel--except bagels are way worse than the muffins you could be getting were you eating in the cafeteria--or maybe a smoothie or some weirdly smelling chocolate.
If you're feeling truly adventurous, you could even go off campus and walk around the city to see if you can find any local establishments that might offer a variety of nondangerous foods that you could try. Maybe go at a time when there aren't that many people to be strange and frightening, like at not a meal time, because then you'll have to deal with people asking you why you're all alone and if you're alright. Although, maybe the people in your town aren't that friendly. So maybe you could go whenever you want, and no one would ever say anything to you!
If all else fails with regards to finding food, there's always the option to have food stashed in your room. I actually highly recommend this, because there might be days when you feel like the world is out to get you and you should probably just avoid all the people ever. When this happens, food that doesn't require being cooked by someone else is a must. You could have some noodles to cook, assuming you have easy access to a stove. Or maybe some popcorn, assuming you can have access to a microwave. Or, even better, you could have some cheese and crackers and maybe some pepperoni, because eating these doesn't even require leaving your room! Complete and utter avoidance of anyone who may seem strange or disquieting.
And also, you should have some delicious snack foods on hand, because sometimes the desserts in the cafeteria--while they're very nice--just don't cut it. You need more chocolate than that weirdly vanilla pudding provided. Or maybe people think rice crispie bars are a suitable substitute for real dessert. Those people are sadly mistaken, and should probably be summoned for some sort of undetermined consultation. Make sure you can make up for it with some extra cookies or M&Ms that you have hidden from prying eyes and fingers.
Remember, eating is the most important thing you can do with your life. Don't waste it on mushy pasta. Because no one wants mushy pasta. Who even decided to make that? I don't understand.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
How To: Recreation
You know what the next most important thing besides eating things is? Having fun. Of course. Because who needs to go to college to learn? However, I will acknowledge that sometimes being socially impaired means you don't go out very much. But maybe you should just not go out very much with friends-slash-random people who you barely know.
You can have plenty of fun just going out and doing the things you enjoy. If your campus puts on events, see how many you can go to. In fact, it's probably more fun to go alone than with people, because then the weirdies won't want to talk to you through the whole show or performance, and you can relax and enjoy in peace!
Or, because you're the learning type, go to all the lectures the college hosts. Usually, people who give lectures at colleges are very good at what they do, or else they would get fired. And they would have a horrible reputation that insults the very meaning of being a lecturer. Plus, sometimes the speeches they give are even inspiring, and maybe you can incorporate the things the person said into one of your papers that you will eventually have to write once your professors finally figure out that by freshmen, it doesn't mean you're still in high school. And using things you heard in a lecture is a good way to impress your instructors. They'll give you extra nonredeemable brownie points, and maybe never call on you in class.
Of course, there are ways to have fun without having to go to stuff. Usually, I enjoy taking a walk, but perhaps your campus or city isn't suited for walking. In that case, you should go exploring! It's way different from walking because you actually try to find stuff, not just wander aimlessly like you have no purpose. Even though we all know you have a purpose, which is walking. Maybe you'll encounter a dove, or a tortoise, or a walking, talking fire hydrant. Maybe you'll be a key witness to a crime that no one else saw, and they'll call you down to court to testify, and you'll get paid your measly $12 for an undetermined length of time, and then you'll be famous. Unless the jury gets it wrong. Then you should probably enter the witness protection program.
Or read. Reading is a wonderful way to escape the weirdness that is college. I claim a seat in the library on the quiet floor that's right under the plaque of one Ms. Diderikke Brandt, which is only a problem when a random kid decided to STEAL your lovely claimed spot and sit there for a very, very long time while you can no longer concentrate on what's supposed to be happening because you're focusing on the thief. The evil, cruel, vile thief. Okay. He's probably not that bad. But the whole not being able to concentrate thing is. Maybe you should be more flexible with your choice of seating.
Sometimes, you should just pick a book at random, and then see how far you can get through it before you just want to throw it out the window. Hint: Don't randomly choose The Scholarly Journal of the Science Council, Vols. 1-78 because you're just asking to lose your battle with boredom right there.
On the off chance that maybe you do have someone you want to hang out with, you could invite them over, and sit, and talk about your lives. Maybe normal people don't do that. Maybe that's why friends are hard.... Or you could watch a movie, maybe, if someone has a TV in their room. Because that could be fun. Or maybe you could go for a walk together. That could be fun too! Walks are good for your health and your fun level!!
Be careful you don't strain your fun muscles. Because then what are you going to do? Take it easy with recreation, because you never know what recreation could lead to. Maybe you decide to climb a tree that you see while walking/adventuring, and you bring your book up there to read, but when you get up to the top, there are angry squirrels, and they pelt you with acorns, and you fall out of the tree while trying to shield yourself from shrapnel. Maybe that happens. And you were trying to do was have some fun.
And remember: No dying allowed.
You can have plenty of fun just going out and doing the things you enjoy. If your campus puts on events, see how many you can go to. In fact, it's probably more fun to go alone than with people, because then the weirdies won't want to talk to you through the whole show or performance, and you can relax and enjoy in peace!
Or, because you're the learning type, go to all the lectures the college hosts. Usually, people who give lectures at colleges are very good at what they do, or else they would get fired. And they would have a horrible reputation that insults the very meaning of being a lecturer. Plus, sometimes the speeches they give are even inspiring, and maybe you can incorporate the things the person said into one of your papers that you will eventually have to write once your professors finally figure out that by freshmen, it doesn't mean you're still in high school. And using things you heard in a lecture is a good way to impress your instructors. They'll give you extra nonredeemable brownie points, and maybe never call on you in class.
Of course, there are ways to have fun without having to go to stuff. Usually, I enjoy taking a walk, but perhaps your campus or city isn't suited for walking. In that case, you should go exploring! It's way different from walking because you actually try to find stuff, not just wander aimlessly like you have no purpose. Even though we all know you have a purpose, which is walking. Maybe you'll encounter a dove, or a tortoise, or a walking, talking fire hydrant. Maybe you'll be a key witness to a crime that no one else saw, and they'll call you down to court to testify, and you'll get paid your measly $12 for an undetermined length of time, and then you'll be famous. Unless the jury gets it wrong. Then you should probably enter the witness protection program.
Or read. Reading is a wonderful way to escape the weirdness that is college. I claim a seat in the library on the quiet floor that's right under the plaque of one Ms. Diderikke Brandt, which is only a problem when a random kid decided to STEAL your lovely claimed spot and sit there for a very, very long time while you can no longer concentrate on what's supposed to be happening because you're focusing on the thief. The evil, cruel, vile thief. Okay. He's probably not that bad. But the whole not being able to concentrate thing is. Maybe you should be more flexible with your choice of seating.
Sometimes, you should just pick a book at random, and then see how far you can get through it before you just want to throw it out the window. Hint: Don't randomly choose The Scholarly Journal of the Science Council, Vols. 1-78 because you're just asking to lose your battle with boredom right there.
On the off chance that maybe you do have someone you want to hang out with, you could invite them over, and sit, and talk about your lives. Maybe normal people don't do that. Maybe that's why friends are hard.... Or you could watch a movie, maybe, if someone has a TV in their room. Because that could be fun. Or maybe you could go for a walk together. That could be fun too! Walks are good for your health and your fun level!!
Be careful you don't strain your fun muscles. Because then what are you going to do? Take it easy with recreation, because you never know what recreation could lead to. Maybe you decide to climb a tree that you see while walking/adventuring, and you bring your book up there to read, but when you get up to the top, there are angry squirrels, and they pelt you with acorns, and you fall out of the tree while trying to shield yourself from shrapnel. Maybe that happens. And you were trying to do was have some fun.
And remember: No dying allowed.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
On Contemplating Pigeons--And Why We Should Continue Loving the Little Things
Everyday at breakfast, being the loner I am, I sit by myself at a table close to the window. The table itself is usually empty of anyone but myself, although occasionally, another loner persona sits at the other end and chows down upon their oatmeal, because definitely loners eat oatmeal. There is no other meal suitable for stimulating the loner brain.
And everyday, staring out the window, I am privileged to watch a gigantic flock of pigeons. I might even call them a family. They swoop in the most graceful way I have ever seen. Not a one gets lost or separated from the group. I don't know how they can turn with such precision. I probably could read about the physiology of pigeons on the internet, but I am content to sit in wonder. Sometimes they land on the balcony that overlooks the field upon which my campus is set. This is probably the most amazing part to me. They one by one dive off the ledge, vanishing for just a moment before the swoop off into the distance. As soon as the one reappears, another takes the same plunge. It's a choreographed act that is incredible.
Soon, they are all back in one group. Back as a family.
Yet, what amazes me even more than these pigeons is that I am the only one who seems to notice. There are other people eating at the same time. They're facing the same window, looking at the same field, but all they see is the television on the wall. No one but me seems awed by these birds. Maybe they all know how the birds can stay in the same group, turning as if they were one whole mechanism, but I doubt it. Why don't they notice? Why don't the little things matter to anyone but me?
Is it because once you have found your group, you no longer do your own thinking? You have your friends, your peers. You can bounce ideas off them, you don't have to make decisions or choices on your own anymore. But are people surrounding you holding you back from seeing the things that make life so beautiful in the first place? If all you do is talk about menial things with this group of people you call friends, is that even living? What if you stopped to ask each other about the birds? What if--maybe for just one morning--you ate in silence, with your mouths hanging open, gazing at the awesomeness that are these birds? What if you shared your little moments with your people? Wouldn't that be more enriching than watching the football statistics while cramming eggs down your throat?
Don't get me wrong here. I'm all about having friends. Friends are amazing. I probably wouldn't even be here if it weren't for some of the friends I've made in life. But I'm saying that if having friends is making your forget that there are other things that should be seen or heard or felt or enjoyed, maybe you need to learn how to look past those faces and reconnect with the moments.
Moments make life happy. You can look back in your past and pick a memory, any memory, and when you think about it, all you've really done is turn a moment into a scene. The scene is frozen in time. Maybe it's Christmas when you were little, or when a sibling could first realize what being a sister or brother meant. In your head, you've made a big deal out of what in reality was just one moment.
Most importantly, you need to share those moments. That's what humans do. They tell stories. Stories are just a conglomeration of moments. That's why we have friends. Because they enjoy hearing our stories about pigeons. And maybe you can show them the pigeons too. Then you have a shared moment. And a bond. Moments make bonds.
Today is an important day for me. Today is when--four years ago--a series of moments came together and culminated in making me who I am today. Today is the day to celebrate moments. It's the day to celebrate the people who've shared those moments, who've made those moments better for you. You should celebrate the happiness you've felt, and rejoice in the sadness that made the happy moments just that much sweeter. Celebrate the moments that brought you to where you are. Without moments, you're just living because it's something you have to do. So maybe a pigeon won't change your life. But maybe it's something else that will, and you wouldn't have noticed it without looking for moments.
And make today the day that you tell the people you love that you love them. You never know what kind of moments might happen tomorrow.
And everyday, staring out the window, I am privileged to watch a gigantic flock of pigeons. I might even call them a family. They swoop in the most graceful way I have ever seen. Not a one gets lost or separated from the group. I don't know how they can turn with such precision. I probably could read about the physiology of pigeons on the internet, but I am content to sit in wonder. Sometimes they land on the balcony that overlooks the field upon which my campus is set. This is probably the most amazing part to me. They one by one dive off the ledge, vanishing for just a moment before the swoop off into the distance. As soon as the one reappears, another takes the same plunge. It's a choreographed act that is incredible.
Soon, they are all back in one group. Back as a family.
Yet, what amazes me even more than these pigeons is that I am the only one who seems to notice. There are other people eating at the same time. They're facing the same window, looking at the same field, but all they see is the television on the wall. No one but me seems awed by these birds. Maybe they all know how the birds can stay in the same group, turning as if they were one whole mechanism, but I doubt it. Why don't they notice? Why don't the little things matter to anyone but me?
Is it because once you have found your group, you no longer do your own thinking? You have your friends, your peers. You can bounce ideas off them, you don't have to make decisions or choices on your own anymore. But are people surrounding you holding you back from seeing the things that make life so beautiful in the first place? If all you do is talk about menial things with this group of people you call friends, is that even living? What if you stopped to ask each other about the birds? What if--maybe for just one morning--you ate in silence, with your mouths hanging open, gazing at the awesomeness that are these birds? What if you shared your little moments with your people? Wouldn't that be more enriching than watching the football statistics while cramming eggs down your throat?
Don't get me wrong here. I'm all about having friends. Friends are amazing. I probably wouldn't even be here if it weren't for some of the friends I've made in life. But I'm saying that if having friends is making your forget that there are other things that should be seen or heard or felt or enjoyed, maybe you need to learn how to look past those faces and reconnect with the moments.
Moments make life happy. You can look back in your past and pick a memory, any memory, and when you think about it, all you've really done is turn a moment into a scene. The scene is frozen in time. Maybe it's Christmas when you were little, or when a sibling could first realize what being a sister or brother meant. In your head, you've made a big deal out of what in reality was just one moment.
Most importantly, you need to share those moments. That's what humans do. They tell stories. Stories are just a conglomeration of moments. That's why we have friends. Because they enjoy hearing our stories about pigeons. And maybe you can show them the pigeons too. Then you have a shared moment. And a bond. Moments make bonds.
Today is an important day for me. Today is when--four years ago--a series of moments came together and culminated in making me who I am today. Today is the day to celebrate moments. It's the day to celebrate the people who've shared those moments, who've made those moments better for you. You should celebrate the happiness you've felt, and rejoice in the sadness that made the happy moments just that much sweeter. Celebrate the moments that brought you to where you are. Without moments, you're just living because it's something you have to do. So maybe a pigeon won't change your life. But maybe it's something else that will, and you wouldn't have noticed it without looking for moments.
And make today the day that you tell the people you love that you love them. You never know what kind of moments might happen tomorrow.
Monday, September 22, 2014
How To: Survive Major Disappointment
So, as you might see from the title, this post may not be as upbeat and uplifting as previous posts, because it deals with major disappointment. Apparently college is not a place where everything that you ever wanted happens with no metaphorical trees falling in your metaphorical river and metaphorically blocking the metaphorical flow of your metaphorical river that is metaphorically your college experience. Yeah. That doesn't get to happen.
So, when you first discover that something that you were so excited about is not going to be possible, you should probably cry. Crying is probably proven somewhere by some scientists or something to relieve stress and be cathartic to your general person. Plus, if you happen to cry in public, maybe some kind soul will come over and comfort you, but for your sake, I might advise holding it in until you get back to your room or possibly a bathroom where you can sob in private.
This might be easier to understand with an example. You see, eating is something everyone experiences, and so is laundry and class and all those other things. But major disappointment, maybe that hasn't happened to you yet. Let me give you this example:
Imagine that you wanted to be a teacher. And as a requirement for teaching, you have to take a four week class in January in which you go into a public school classroom and observe and generally assist the teacher in teacher-ly activities. And say, perhaps, that the opportunity to go to New Mexico and help with teachers who teach mainly Hispanic and Native American kids was presented to you, and you would get to visit reservations and reach out to kids who probably don't get a lot of attention or help or general social interaction, which would be the best experience ever, because perhaps you want to be a Spanish teacher, and maybe teach ESL, and maybe get experience in special education, and this opportunity would for sure be one of the best things that ever happened to you.
Then pretend that they said, "This class will cost upward of $2,000, because college isn't expensive enough already, and don't forget that you'll still be paying tuition to the college, and room and board, even though you won't be living or eating there, and also, you have to pay for your own food, because we like to hope that you starve." Yeah. Imagine if they said that. And it basically quashed your hopes for that cool thing you wanted to do.
So anyway. Pretend this happened to you. Or that maybe something more pertaining to what you actually want to do was stolen from your grasp. Crying. Then you should probably call your parents and vent to them a little bit, because they probably feel bad that life is so expensive, even if they can't do anything about it.
Then you should for sure write an angry blog post about how the college institution is only made for people who are already insanely rich and could probably go anywhere they want to because their parents grow money on trees, and anyone who is under that bar has to suffer by both working insanely a lot and not going on trips to anywhere. Or if you don't have a blog, just write with a giant black marker in the most messy way you possibly can, getting all the angry feelings out of your mind and heart.
And then you should eat. I recommend chocolate. I have some Mega M&Ms here on my desk. I'd share, but you're a little far away. And also, it's chocolate. I don't share that.
Also, don't forget to drink lots of water, because if you cried like you were supposed to, you lost all your water and fluids and now it's getting weird, so just drink water.
Then, after you've gone through this horrible grieving process, you should definitely look for scholarships or things that like to give poor students money to get important life experiences, because even if it's not for sure that you can do your important thing, you should at least try. Because giving up is the way that the major disappointment actually probably damages you. And also, giving up is like not eating the desserts they give you for dinner. And it makes you a loser. Don't be a loser. Be a loser who tried everything they possibly could to kill the major disappointment (note: metaphorically killing, because my moral compass on which I base my life is entirely against killing anyone or anything, except for when I eat meat, because I do like my hamburgers, and feel free to yell at me about being a hypocrite, because I haven't figured that one out in my brain yet either) before it took over and was like, "Look at me and look at you, who do you think can't tie their shoe?" And then you punch it in the face and try again tomorrow.
Be that kind of loser.
So, when you first discover that something that you were so excited about is not going to be possible, you should probably cry. Crying is probably proven somewhere by some scientists or something to relieve stress and be cathartic to your general person. Plus, if you happen to cry in public, maybe some kind soul will come over and comfort you, but for your sake, I might advise holding it in until you get back to your room or possibly a bathroom where you can sob in private.
This might be easier to understand with an example. You see, eating is something everyone experiences, and so is laundry and class and all those other things. But major disappointment, maybe that hasn't happened to you yet. Let me give you this example:
Imagine that you wanted to be a teacher. And as a requirement for teaching, you have to take a four week class in January in which you go into a public school classroom and observe and generally assist the teacher in teacher-ly activities. And say, perhaps, that the opportunity to go to New Mexico and help with teachers who teach mainly Hispanic and Native American kids was presented to you, and you would get to visit reservations and reach out to kids who probably don't get a lot of attention or help or general social interaction, which would be the best experience ever, because perhaps you want to be a Spanish teacher, and maybe teach ESL, and maybe get experience in special education, and this opportunity would for sure be one of the best things that ever happened to you.
Then pretend that they said, "This class will cost upward of $2,000, because college isn't expensive enough already, and don't forget that you'll still be paying tuition to the college, and room and board, even though you won't be living or eating there, and also, you have to pay for your own food, because we like to hope that you starve." Yeah. Imagine if they said that. And it basically quashed your hopes for that cool thing you wanted to do.
So anyway. Pretend this happened to you. Or that maybe something more pertaining to what you actually want to do was stolen from your grasp. Crying. Then you should probably call your parents and vent to them a little bit, because they probably feel bad that life is so expensive, even if they can't do anything about it.
Then you should for sure write an angry blog post about how the college institution is only made for people who are already insanely rich and could probably go anywhere they want to because their parents grow money on trees, and anyone who is under that bar has to suffer by both working insanely a lot and not going on trips to anywhere. Or if you don't have a blog, just write with a giant black marker in the most messy way you possibly can, getting all the angry feelings out of your mind and heart.
And then you should eat. I recommend chocolate. I have some Mega M&Ms here on my desk. I'd share, but you're a little far away. And also, it's chocolate. I don't share that.
Also, don't forget to drink lots of water, because if you cried like you were supposed to, you lost all your water and fluids and now it's getting weird, so just drink water.
Then, after you've gone through this horrible grieving process, you should definitely look for scholarships or things that like to give poor students money to get important life experiences, because even if it's not for sure that you can do your important thing, you should at least try. Because giving up is the way that the major disappointment actually probably damages you. And also, giving up is like not eating the desserts they give you for dinner. And it makes you a loser. Don't be a loser. Be a loser who tried everything they possibly could to kill the major disappointment (note: metaphorically killing, because my moral compass on which I base my life is entirely against killing anyone or anything, except for when I eat meat, because I do like my hamburgers, and feel free to yell at me about being a hypocrite, because I haven't figured that one out in my brain yet either) before it took over and was like, "Look at me and look at you, who do you think can't tie their shoe?" And then you punch it in the face and try again tomorrow.
Be that kind of loser.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
How To: Parents
You've probably dealt with your parents for 18+ years of your life. But now, it's different. You technically live on your own and they're only supposed to guide you, not make big, important life choices for you. You have decide when it's appropriate to go see the doctor. You have to decide if you should eat that thing you really want to eat. You have to decide who your friends are and how late you're going to stay out and who you're going to be displeased with, all without the help of your parents. It's called growing.
Usually, I try to call my parents once a week. But sometimes, more often than not, it ends up being twice or three times a week. I think it's probably because I miss them, but also, it's because there's just so much going on at college that I need to tell them everything! But don't call them every single day. College is supposed to be about separation, to a degree. It's supposed to be about thinking and learning and acting independently. Because if it wasn't, we wouldn't need to pay thousands of dollars to live in a hall with a bunch of other people who smell weird. (No offense to the nice smelling ones.)
One of the best things is when parents come to visit!! Because they bring you stuff. They should both bring you the things you've forgotten at home since you left, which if we're being honest is probably a lot, and also food. Basically, bring a college kid food means you've won them over for life. They will never forget you or your face.
But after they bring you stuff, sometimes it's hard to know what to do with your parents while they visit. Sometimes they argue, which is definitely something you don't miss about them, because they argue right in front of you about which way they should go to get back to the college, even though you know exactly where it is an they should just ask you, and they also know that confrontation literally gives you panic attacks, but they do it anyway. But that might not apply to you. But parents are often stressed when they come to visit their child at college. They worry that their child won't need them anymore. They're worried about what they'll find after leaving you in a strange environment for three or four weeks. They're worried you might have gotten your tongue pierced.
Of course, eventually (hopefully) the arguing dies down, and then you can have nice, relaxed conversations. This is the fun part! They'll tell you all about what's happening at home, and you tell them all the things you've never mentioned on the phone. It's a great exchange of ideas! Or something. Maybe not ideas.
And most importantly, they might take you to eat food. Food that isn't cafeteria food. Like I said before, food is the way to any college student's heart. They will love you forever.
You should try and give them a tour around campus. Because it's really a lot more fun to be a college kid on campus with a parent when you know where you're going versus when you were a prospective college kid on campus with a parent where you have no clue where you're going. You can laugh at all the touring children, believing you're so much better off than them, because you've been here for three whole weeks now, and you know everything, and they know nothing except that maybe a sidewalk will bring them to their car, somewhere. And you should always point and cackle. Evilly.
When your parents leave, you might be sad. But you might also be a little bit relieved because parents can be exhausting. It's important to know that both of these emotions are important, and you should embrace both of them, but you should focus on the relief you feel, because relief means adjustment. If you're like me, which you probably are, if you're still here reading this blog, this might be the first sign you have that you're doing okay at college.
Because college is good. And you won't die. No dying allowed. The end.
Usually, I try to call my parents once a week. But sometimes, more often than not, it ends up being twice or three times a week. I think it's probably because I miss them, but also, it's because there's just so much going on at college that I need to tell them everything! But don't call them every single day. College is supposed to be about separation, to a degree. It's supposed to be about thinking and learning and acting independently. Because if it wasn't, we wouldn't need to pay thousands of dollars to live in a hall with a bunch of other people who smell weird. (No offense to the nice smelling ones.)
One of the best things is when parents come to visit!! Because they bring you stuff. They should both bring you the things you've forgotten at home since you left, which if we're being honest is probably a lot, and also food. Basically, bring a college kid food means you've won them over for life. They will never forget you or your face.
But after they bring you stuff, sometimes it's hard to know what to do with your parents while they visit. Sometimes they argue, which is definitely something you don't miss about them, because they argue right in front of you about which way they should go to get back to the college, even though you know exactly where it is an they should just ask you, and they also know that confrontation literally gives you panic attacks, but they do it anyway. But that might not apply to you. But parents are often stressed when they come to visit their child at college. They worry that their child won't need them anymore. They're worried about what they'll find after leaving you in a strange environment for three or four weeks. They're worried you might have gotten your tongue pierced.
Of course, eventually (hopefully) the arguing dies down, and then you can have nice, relaxed conversations. This is the fun part! They'll tell you all about what's happening at home, and you tell them all the things you've never mentioned on the phone. It's a great exchange of ideas! Or something. Maybe not ideas.
And most importantly, they might take you to eat food. Food that isn't cafeteria food. Like I said before, food is the way to any college student's heart. They will love you forever.
You should try and give them a tour around campus. Because it's really a lot more fun to be a college kid on campus with a parent when you know where you're going versus when you were a prospective college kid on campus with a parent where you have no clue where you're going. You can laugh at all the touring children, believing you're so much better off than them, because you've been here for three whole weeks now, and you know everything, and they know nothing except that maybe a sidewalk will bring them to their car, somewhere. And you should always point and cackle. Evilly.
When your parents leave, you might be sad. But you might also be a little bit relieved because parents can be exhausting. It's important to know that both of these emotions are important, and you should embrace both of them, but you should focus on the relief you feel, because relief means adjustment. If you're like me, which you probably are, if you're still here reading this blog, this might be the first sign you have that you're doing okay at college.
Because college is good. And you won't die. No dying allowed. The end.
Friday, September 19, 2014
How To: Work
After that brief hiatus in which I went insane and confused your brain, it's time to get back down to the real world! The world of work. And adults will so often tell you that work is the real world. Except you're probably an adult now, too. I know I'm an adult. And what does that mean? It means you get to start determining what is and is not the real world for you. Unfortunately, at this point in your life, it probably means school. And homework. And having to do horrible things for horribly long amounts of time. But also, it possibly means that you have to get a job.
Now, I will concede that my area of knowledge on this subject is smaller than I would like it to be. You see, I only have one job, and it would be difficult for me to comment on other people's jobs if I have not experienced them. So, right now, fair warning: If you have a job that is something other than serving people or washing dishes, I will offer no valuable insight into those things. I will, however, offer humorous anecdotes about having to wash dishes for seven hours a week. So stick around if you like humor. Or even if you don't like humor. You might learn to crack a smile.
Firstly, if you're like me, you've simply been assigned a job because you're too poor to fully pay for college, and apparently, you get to assist your way through financial difficulty by working ten hours a week, not including any class or studying or free time you may want. So there really isn't any way of getting out of this job, because if you quit, you have to pay a couple thousand more dollars. So try not to do that.
Of course, getting to work is one of the hardest parts. Colleges like to schedule freshman at the most inconvenient shifts ever, because upperclassmen get priorities. It may not seem fair, but it's just like tenure for teachers. But that's another story. Anyway, if you have to drag yourself out of bed at 6:15 am because you work at 6:45, the only trouble you will have is actually getting up. You'll hit the snooze button on your alarm like six times, because you set it to only snooze for a minute, and then you'll cautiously roll out of bed on to the cold, hard ground, cursing the world for your lowly status as a freshman.
But don't worry, you'll get over it.
Once you arrive at work, apparently there's some sort of uniform that you have to put on? Because they like all the workers to look like they didn't just curse the world, and that they are in fact prepared to serve the students of the college the best breakfast/lunch/dinner they've ever had.
One of the second hardest parts of having a serving job is having to deal with people. While some college students probably enjoy having classes at 8 am, most do not. So they're just as crabby as you would be were you not wearing a uniform specifically designed to be anti-crab. And they glare and hiss and wrinkle their noses like cute little bunny rabbits except they're actually football players so it's weird, and you just have to take it. Smile. Stare at them directly in the eye sockets (AKA: make eye contact), and be polite. Always say, "Good morning," even if they say directly back, "No it's not." Because maybe you'll be the only person they talk to all day. Make them happy.
One perk of serving people is that you can silently judge them in you head. Judge them about what they eat, how much they eat, how they speak so quietly you can't even hear them, how often they come back to get more food. You can even play games! Count how many people you know the names of! Count how many people call you creepily by your name which they only know because you have to wear a name tag as part of your extra-happiness uniform. What ever you do, don't let them see your fear.
Fear comes when you have to switch old food out for new food. Because inevitably, the line will get backed up just as you step away from the serving counter. And then people have to wait. And then they get angry. And then they glare and hiss and.... yeah. You know the drill.
The other part of food service comes when you have to wash the dishes. This is almost better than serving because you don't have to talk to any angry customers. All you have to do is be angry at the customers. Because people GOSH DARN DON'T KNOW HOW TO FREAKING READ A STINKING SIGN ABOUT WHERE TO PUT THEIR SILVERWARE, GOSH DARN IT. But I digress.
Dish washing is the--I hesitate to say fun--part of your job, because the judgement doesn't have to be so internal. You can totally laugh to your co-workers about the person who drank Powerade for breakfast. Or the person who put gravy on their waffles. Or the person who evidently hated their biology class so much, they felt the need to throw their textbook on the conveyor belt with all the dirty dishes. These judgments should definitely be said out loud. Plus: bonus bonding with your newly formed friends because the horrors of dried lasagna is too much to bare alone.
Always be kind to the people who give you your food. And the people who clean your food when you're finished. You never know what kind of tricks they're willing to play after three and a half hours of almost torture.
Now, I will concede that my area of knowledge on this subject is smaller than I would like it to be. You see, I only have one job, and it would be difficult for me to comment on other people's jobs if I have not experienced them. So, right now, fair warning: If you have a job that is something other than serving people or washing dishes, I will offer no valuable insight into those things. I will, however, offer humorous anecdotes about having to wash dishes for seven hours a week. So stick around if you like humor. Or even if you don't like humor. You might learn to crack a smile.
Firstly, if you're like me, you've simply been assigned a job because you're too poor to fully pay for college, and apparently, you get to assist your way through financial difficulty by working ten hours a week, not including any class or studying or free time you may want. So there really isn't any way of getting out of this job, because if you quit, you have to pay a couple thousand more dollars. So try not to do that.
Of course, getting to work is one of the hardest parts. Colleges like to schedule freshman at the most inconvenient shifts ever, because upperclassmen get priorities. It may not seem fair, but it's just like tenure for teachers. But that's another story. Anyway, if you have to drag yourself out of bed at 6:15 am because you work at 6:45, the only trouble you will have is actually getting up. You'll hit the snooze button on your alarm like six times, because you set it to only snooze for a minute, and then you'll cautiously roll out of bed on to the cold, hard ground, cursing the world for your lowly status as a freshman.
But don't worry, you'll get over it.
Once you arrive at work, apparently there's some sort of uniform that you have to put on? Because they like all the workers to look like they didn't just curse the world, and that they are in fact prepared to serve the students of the college the best breakfast/lunch/dinner they've ever had.
One of the second hardest parts of having a serving job is having to deal with people. While some college students probably enjoy having classes at 8 am, most do not. So they're just as crabby as you would be were you not wearing a uniform specifically designed to be anti-crab. And they glare and hiss and wrinkle their noses like cute little bunny rabbits except they're actually football players so it's weird, and you just have to take it. Smile. Stare at them directly in the eye sockets (AKA: make eye contact), and be polite. Always say, "Good morning," even if they say directly back, "No it's not." Because maybe you'll be the only person they talk to all day. Make them happy.
One perk of serving people is that you can silently judge them in you head. Judge them about what they eat, how much they eat, how they speak so quietly you can't even hear them, how often they come back to get more food. You can even play games! Count how many people you know the names of! Count how many people call you creepily by your name which they only know because you have to wear a name tag as part of your extra-happiness uniform. What ever you do, don't let them see your fear.
Fear comes when you have to switch old food out for new food. Because inevitably, the line will get backed up just as you step away from the serving counter. And then people have to wait. And then they get angry. And then they glare and hiss and.... yeah. You know the drill.
The other part of food service comes when you have to wash the dishes. This is almost better than serving because you don't have to talk to any angry customers. All you have to do is be angry at the customers. Because people GOSH DARN DON'T KNOW HOW TO FREAKING READ A STINKING SIGN ABOUT WHERE TO PUT THEIR SILVERWARE, GOSH DARN IT. But I digress.
Dish washing is the--I hesitate to say fun--part of your job, because the judgement doesn't have to be so internal. You can totally laugh to your co-workers about the person who drank Powerade for breakfast. Or the person who put gravy on their waffles. Or the person who evidently hated their biology class so much, they felt the need to throw their textbook on the conveyor belt with all the dirty dishes. These judgments should definitely be said out loud. Plus: bonus bonding with your newly formed friends because the horrors of dried lasagna is too much to bare alone.
Always be kind to the people who give you your food. And the people who clean your food when you're finished. You never know what kind of tricks they're willing to play after three and a half hours of almost torture.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
How To: Blog (ish)
Firstly, you always start your posts with the word "firstly". Then, you always write your next sentence beginning with the word "then". Then, you dehumanize the people you hate, because your readers presumably are people like you, and therefore presumably hate the same people you hate, and this is called building a bonding relationship. And maybe if more than one person reads your blog on a regular basis, you can build up a following that will eventually turn into a cult. (Just kidding. Cults are bad. Don't join cults. Man, unless it happens to be a turtle cult. Even I couldn't say no to a turtle cult. They'd be so cool and strutting around with their shells, being all, "Hey. You can't see me because I'm hiding in my shell, and this is how I avoid people who are stupid." But, really. Don't join cults.)
Then-ly, (is that a word? It should be) you have to actually have some structure to your blog. You probably shouldn't just rant about turtles and socks and Spanish all day long. People/your one reader might get bored, and they might move on to a new, and more exciting blog, with more content, and more awesomeness.
Third-ish, (again, if it's not a word, let's call Webster) I actually have no real, legitimate advice to give to you today. I'm ridiculously tired. And also, I've taken like six Advil because I fell down the stairs yesterday. And I don't like taking Advil for two reasons. 1. I have a really hard time swallowing pills and things, so usually I drink like six gallons of water for every two pills (that's probably an exaggeration, no one knows), and 2. It makes me really weird. Okay, weirder than normal. Like my brain is on hyperdrive! And I can type at super speed! Like the Hulk! Or Iron Man! I don't know if they can type at super speed. And I don't even like the Hulk. He looks like a brick that turned into a person that rolled around in some grass and then turned back into a brick, but just like occasionally in Harry Potter, the transformation didn't go so well, and he ended up half-brick, half-human.
My legs feel like death. Well, I guess not right now, because (see above) Advil. But when it wears off, I can't even walk up the stairs. Good thing my building doesn't have an elevator. Good thing I live on the fourth floor. But don't worry, dear, dear people who care so much about my health and well-being. Apparently I'll be fine if I stop walking up and down the stairs.
You might be asking, why did you fall down the stairs?! What the heck were you thinking?! And those would both be fair questions. However, if I tell you what actually did happen, you'd think I was completely incompetent at walking and thinking. Especially when engaging in both activities simultaneously.
Okay. Fine. You've convinced me. I was walking out of a meeting, a meeting that happened to be in a building I'd never been in before. And buildings are some of the most confusing things I've ever happened to encounter in my life. You go in one door, and then you go out the same door, and everything looks like it's been moved in the twenty-four minutes you've been inside! So I was looking around, trying to find out how to get back to my room, and I was looking up, not down. But in doing so, there were apparently four stairs on the path, and I didn't see them. Wow. Good job, self. I pretended I could fly, except the ending did not work as well as I would have hoped had I actually been pretending I could fly of my own volition. And also, concrete is hard.
So there. Judge me. I guess maybe that could be the lesson for today! Learn how to fall down the stairs and still be able to walk and talk and sometimes form coherent phrases together so people might want to read about the adventures of falling down the stairs at college! That's too long of a title. We'll stick with How To: Blog. And maybe we'll add a little something.
There. How To: Blog (ish)
Don't let your injuries stop you from doing what you love/what you feel obligated to do/what you hate! Time will heal all things, except the dinosaurs. Pretty sure those are never coming back. And actually, you should occasionally pretend you're a dinosaur, just to relive your past, when you were a dinosaur. Evolution treated you well, my friend
Then-ly, (is that a word? It should be) you have to actually have some structure to your blog. You probably shouldn't just rant about turtles and socks and Spanish all day long. People/your one reader might get bored, and they might move on to a new, and more exciting blog, with more content, and more awesomeness.
Third-ish, (again, if it's not a word, let's call Webster) I actually have no real, legitimate advice to give to you today. I'm ridiculously tired. And also, I've taken like six Advil because I fell down the stairs yesterday. And I don't like taking Advil for two reasons. 1. I have a really hard time swallowing pills and things, so usually I drink like six gallons of water for every two pills (that's probably an exaggeration, no one knows), and 2. It makes me really weird. Okay, weirder than normal. Like my brain is on hyperdrive! And I can type at super speed! Like the Hulk! Or Iron Man! I don't know if they can type at super speed. And I don't even like the Hulk. He looks like a brick that turned into a person that rolled around in some grass and then turned back into a brick, but just like occasionally in Harry Potter, the transformation didn't go so well, and he ended up half-brick, half-human.
My legs feel like death. Well, I guess not right now, because (see above) Advil. But when it wears off, I can't even walk up the stairs. Good thing my building doesn't have an elevator. Good thing I live on the fourth floor. But don't worry, dear, dear people who care so much about my health and well-being. Apparently I'll be fine if I stop walking up and down the stairs.
You might be asking, why did you fall down the stairs?! What the heck were you thinking?! And those would both be fair questions. However, if I tell you what actually did happen, you'd think I was completely incompetent at walking and thinking. Especially when engaging in both activities simultaneously.
Okay. Fine. You've convinced me. I was walking out of a meeting, a meeting that happened to be in a building I'd never been in before. And buildings are some of the most confusing things I've ever happened to encounter in my life. You go in one door, and then you go out the same door, and everything looks like it's been moved in the twenty-four minutes you've been inside! So I was looking around, trying to find out how to get back to my room, and I was looking up, not down. But in doing so, there were apparently four stairs on the path, and I didn't see them. Wow. Good job, self. I pretended I could fly, except the ending did not work as well as I would have hoped had I actually been pretending I could fly of my own volition. And also, concrete is hard.
So there. Judge me. I guess maybe that could be the lesson for today! Learn how to fall down the stairs and still be able to walk and talk and sometimes form coherent phrases together so people might want to read about the adventures of falling down the stairs at college! That's too long of a title. We'll stick with How To: Blog. And maybe we'll add a little something.
There. How To: Blog (ish)
Don't let your injuries stop you from doing what you love/what you feel obligated to do/what you hate! Time will heal all things, except the dinosaurs. Pretty sure those are never coming back. And actually, you should occasionally pretend you're a dinosaur, just to relive your past, when you were a dinosaur. Evolution treated you well, my friend
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
How To: Mail
So, one of the most exciting parts of your college career most likely will be receiving mail. Mail from your parents (which might/usually contain(s) food), mail from your grandparents (which might/usually contain(s) money), or mail from your friends at other colleges (which for sure contains love!). Ha. That was cheesy. But true.
And be honest with yourself. You like getting mail a lot more than you're willing to probably admit. Because it's so old fashioned, man! Wouldn't it just be easier to email someone, or Facebook them, or Twitter them, or Skype them? But mail means someone actually took time out of their (probably) very busy life to just think about you. It takes so much longer to write out a letter.
Hence, my first advice is to actually write letters to people. They will love you even more than they already do. You do have free time college, even if you like to pretend that you don't. Just sit down and address something like this:
And be honest with yourself. You like getting mail a lot more than you're willing to probably admit. Because it's so old fashioned, man! Wouldn't it just be easier to email someone, or Facebook them, or Twitter them, or Skype them? But mail means someone actually took time out of their (probably) very busy life to just think about you. It takes so much longer to write out a letter.
Hence, my first advice is to actually write letters to people. They will love you even more than they already do. You do have free time college, even if you like to pretend that you don't. Just sit down and address something like this:
Dear Bestest Friend,
I hope you have the greatest day in the world because you're my bestest friend and when you're happy, I'm happy. My day is going great. Let me tell you about the 16,000,000,000 squirrels that live in the trees around our campus. And let me tell you about my horrible/wonderful classes. How is your life at college going? Is it exciting? I hope so!
Love, Your Bestest Friend
It's really not that hard. AND! If you mail things to people, they'll feel more inclined to mail stuff back to you! It's a little bit of a self-serving action.
The hard part comes, however, when you actually need to send your mail. First, I recommend knowing exactly where the post office in your school is located. Otherwise, you might mistakenly think that it's in a different building than it actually is, and you'll awkwardly wander around the three floors trying to find a post office that isn't there, and you'll look like a clueless freshman, which is one of the main things I'm trying to alleviate here. Clueless freshmen should not look like clueless freshmen ever.
Once you've found the post office, make sure you put the letter in the correct box. There are actually different slots for mail. For example, don't put your letter to your grandma in the box marked, "On Campus Mail Only." Because then it's doubtful that you letter will ever make it to Grandma. Plus, the letter people will then be able to laugh at you because you thought your grandma lived on campus.
Retrieving your mail is another hassle that must be overcome. You need to know how to unlock your mailbox, be it with a key or a combination. Keys might be easier, but then you of course have to be sure that you haven't left your key in your room, because then you have to run all the way back, and of course, you look pretty silly standing in the post office searching through your bag. If you have a combination, it's very important that you know exactly what said combination is. If you don't, you'll be standing at the mailbox for a very long, awkward and inconvenient time. I'm all about promoting anti-awkwardness here. If you do indeed forget what your combination is, you'll probably have to go talk to the scary mail secretary. And he/she will probably judge you in his/her head. But at the very least, you'll eventually get your mail. Let's hope it's not something lame, like a shoelace from your brother. All that work for basically nothing.
If you get a package, you'll also probably have to talk to the secretary. This is less terrifying, because everyone who gets a package has to speak with them. But still. Human contact is always dangerous, and you should take precautions, such as wearing your lucky socks on the day you are going to find your box of food. Socks truly can make all the difference.
Don't forget the most important thing is to send your own letters! Otherwise, no one will feel inclined to send anything back to you, and you'll be lonely. Lonely isn't any fun. Don't be lonely. Send mail. Have friends.
Monday, September 15, 2014
How To: Classes
Yeah. Yeah right. That's what you're saying in your head right now. I don't go to classes in college. College isn't for learning. College is for sleeping. While I might agree with you, my bank account does not. If I wanted to sleep, I could stay home with my parents. (Just kidding. They'd probably kick me out if all I did was sleep.) But nooooooo. I've decided to pay thousands of dollars to go and learn things about things that may or may not matter to me in four years. And so have you. So you better not spend all your time sleeping.
Classes are actually required by most colleges. Unlike eating. You don't have to eat, although you should. You don't have to do laundry, although, I'm begging you, you really really should. But classes are required. Go to them.
Firstly, you should triple check your room number. This is probably even more important than making sure you're on time. Because it would be very much worse to walk into a calculus class when you're actually trying to find Spanish 394 than it would be to walk a few minutes late into said Spanish class. Teachers and colleges are slightly apt to change the classroom without notice, so I advise bookmarking your class schedule on your computer task bar so you can just quick check before you leave your room.
That being said, it really is important to be on time to your classes. By now, you should know how long it takes to get to a certain class from a certain place. Try and leave a little early even so, because you never know what kinds of things you might encounter on your dangerous path to class. Perhaps there'll be a murder. Of crows. Or something just as sinister. But really. Walking is always good, because class means you'll be sitting for a while, and you should get your exercise. Plus, you might actually have nice weather occasionally and you might enjoy a couple extra minutes of sunshine if you leave early!
Once you have arrived at the correct room at the correct time, it's important that you take a seat towards the front. If you're early, as advised, there should be plenty of space near the front. This ensures that the teacher understand that you are a serious student and that you are ready for a challenge. Also, students near the front get called on less frequently than those who sit in the back and look as if they're sleeping and drooling instead of taking notes. Try and make eye contact (I know; scary!) with the teacher and smile, demonstrating that you are friendly and willing student. Making this impression will promise you minimal interaction while having to speak out loud in front of the rest of your less impressive class.
Always take notes in class, unless you already know the material. Now, you don't have to write down everything. Because if you tried to do that, your hand would fall off. And also, not everything is relevant. This is the true struggle of class. It's not the homework, it's not the tests or quizzes, it's determining what you might need to know and reference in the future. There are only a few rules for taking notes that are without exception.1. If the professor says, "You should write this down", "This will be on a test", "This will help you with an essay", or any other of these variations write it down. 2. If something the professor says amuses you, write it down (because then when you read your notes, you'll be amused all over again and your mood will brighten).
Also, all the people (adults) who told you what college was going to be like while you were in high school were probably lying. They probably told you that there wouldn't be group projects (lies) and they probably told you that your professors would assign something and that would be the last you heard of it until it was due (lies) and they probably told you that college would be harder than high school (lies). You see, adults have lost touch with college. Even if they think they're still right up there with the youngin's, they're probably a little bit over the hill when it comes to college. So, you'll just have to laugh at them now when you understand how college really is (but only laugh where they can't see you, because they have very fragile feelings).
Study for tests. Study for quizzes. Do your homework. Ignore the people who tell you that you should be stressed about college classes. They are jealous of your beautifully effortless academic skills. Ha! You didn't think people would be jealous of you for your skills! But they are. Rejoice in this. It will leave you with hope.
Classes are actually required by most colleges. Unlike eating. You don't have to eat, although you should. You don't have to do laundry, although, I'm begging you, you really really should. But classes are required. Go to them.
Firstly, you should triple check your room number. This is probably even more important than making sure you're on time. Because it would be very much worse to walk into a calculus class when you're actually trying to find Spanish 394 than it would be to walk a few minutes late into said Spanish class. Teachers and colleges are slightly apt to change the classroom without notice, so I advise bookmarking your class schedule on your computer task bar so you can just quick check before you leave your room.
That being said, it really is important to be on time to your classes. By now, you should know how long it takes to get to a certain class from a certain place. Try and leave a little early even so, because you never know what kinds of things you might encounter on your dangerous path to class. Perhaps there'll be a murder. Of crows. Or something just as sinister. But really. Walking is always good, because class means you'll be sitting for a while, and you should get your exercise. Plus, you might actually have nice weather occasionally and you might enjoy a couple extra minutes of sunshine if you leave early!
Once you have arrived at the correct room at the correct time, it's important that you take a seat towards the front. If you're early, as advised, there should be plenty of space near the front. This ensures that the teacher understand that you are a serious student and that you are ready for a challenge. Also, students near the front get called on less frequently than those who sit in the back and look as if they're sleeping and drooling instead of taking notes. Try and make eye contact (I know; scary!) with the teacher and smile, demonstrating that you are friendly and willing student. Making this impression will promise you minimal interaction while having to speak out loud in front of the rest of your less impressive class.
Always take notes in class, unless you already know the material. Now, you don't have to write down everything. Because if you tried to do that, your hand would fall off. And also, not everything is relevant. This is the true struggle of class. It's not the homework, it's not the tests or quizzes, it's determining what you might need to know and reference in the future. There are only a few rules for taking notes that are without exception.1. If the professor says, "You should write this down", "This will be on a test", "This will help you with an essay", or any other of these variations write it down. 2. If something the professor says amuses you, write it down (because then when you read your notes, you'll be amused all over again and your mood will brighten).
Also, all the people (adults) who told you what college was going to be like while you were in high school were probably lying. They probably told you that there wouldn't be group projects (lies) and they probably told you that your professors would assign something and that would be the last you heard of it until it was due (lies) and they probably told you that college would be harder than high school (lies). You see, adults have lost touch with college. Even if they think they're still right up there with the youngin's, they're probably a little bit over the hill when it comes to college. So, you'll just have to laugh at them now when you understand how college really is (but only laugh where they can't see you, because they have very fragile feelings).
Study for tests. Study for quizzes. Do your homework. Ignore the people who tell you that you should be stressed about college classes. They are jealous of your beautifully effortless academic skills. Ha! You didn't think people would be jealous of you for your skills! But they are. Rejoice in this. It will leave you with hope.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
How To: Laundry
Greetings! Another day, another important piece of advice for strangely anti-social college students! Woohoo!
Today, I'd like to talk about how to do laundry. After eating, laundry is probably one of the most important things you do in school. In fact, it's only below eating because eating you have do accomplish multiple times a day, while laundry perhaps only needs to be done once a week. (Hopefully. Because, man, laundry is expensive!)
I hope that you have done some laundry by now in your college life, because you've been at school two whole weeks at least. And you probably have run out of clothes. I know the temptation is high to just go out and buy new things when you realize that you have no clean pants, but realistically speaking, buying new clothes is probably going to end up costing you more than if you just do the ridiculously expensive laundry. I'm not saying that occasionally you shouldn't go and buy yourself a couple new pairs of socks. Just don't make it a regular thing. Because then you might end up with over 150 pairs of socks. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience here....
So anyway. Once you've determined that you need to do laundry, the first thing I recommend is trying to wait until a day when everyone else has not determined that they need to do laundry. Avoid doing laundry on days that start with "s" for the best, won't take up six hours of your life waiting for a machine result.
If you do have to do laundry on a Saturday or Sunday--like, if it's a complete emergency and you've been walking around in your pajamas all day because you don't have pants--try to do it at a strange time. Perhaps go at night, or at lunch time. Because otherwise, the hideous waiting in lines of strange people will begin. Just like with eating, avoidance is the strategy of choice here.
Then, make sure you bring all the things you need to actually do your laundry down to the laundry area. For example: Don't forget your laundry soap, drop your bag of un-laundered clothes on the top of a washing machine, run up the six flights of stairs back to your room to grab the detergent, and then run all the way back down to hope to find your clothes where you left them. If you leave your clothes unattended, someone will undoubtedly use the opportunity to usurp your washing machine. And then you'll either have to awkwardly grab your clothes from underneath their feet and sulk away, or boldly stand up to them and demand to know why they stole your preciously guarded machine. I recommend the first option. Because confrontation makes me uncomfortable.
Once you've finally found a machine, you should always keep track of how long it's going to be before your clothes are done. Otherwise, if you leave them there long than absolutely necessary, the laundry room lurkers (the people who stay with their clothes through the entire cycle, and sometimes have more than one load, and therefore basically live in the basement on Sundays) will be upset with you and one of two things will happen. 1. They will move your clothes out of the machine they are currently in, and you will have to hunt for them when you finally return to retrieve them or 2. They will scowl in the most horrendous manner when you walk sheepishly down the stairs to take your garments. Again. Avoid the confrontation.
Of course, it is always an option to become a laundry room lurker yourself, and then you need not risk the glares of your fellow lurking participants. It may, however, become necessary to converse with these strange dwellers, because you all must wait an average of an hour and a half until all your clothes are finished. You might bring homework to avoid their eyes, but perhaps someone will ask you a question, and out of politeness you must then respond appropriately. These are simply the hazards of being a laundry room lurker.
When you have finally finished the hassles of completing the washing and drying of your clothes, you should immediately hang them or fold them and put them away in your room. Otherwise, the chances of you getting distracted and never putting your clothes away are pretty good. You'll have to hunt through your laundry bag every time you need a change of clothing. It is not important, however, that you fold your socks. Let the socks be free, let them frolic in the openness of your sock drawer! They will love you forever, they will love you for always. As long as you're chilly, the warmer they'll be. Okay. That turned weird. I just like socks.
Please don't wait until you have absolutely nothing left to wear. Because then you'll be the awkward kid going to the laundry room in his/her bathrobe. And no one wants that. Especially you.
Today, I'd like to talk about how to do laundry. After eating, laundry is probably one of the most important things you do in school. In fact, it's only below eating because eating you have do accomplish multiple times a day, while laundry perhaps only needs to be done once a week. (Hopefully. Because, man, laundry is expensive!)
I hope that you have done some laundry by now in your college life, because you've been at school two whole weeks at least. And you probably have run out of clothes. I know the temptation is high to just go out and buy new things when you realize that you have no clean pants, but realistically speaking, buying new clothes is probably going to end up costing you more than if you just do the ridiculously expensive laundry. I'm not saying that occasionally you shouldn't go and buy yourself a couple new pairs of socks. Just don't make it a regular thing. Because then you might end up with over 150 pairs of socks. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience here....
So anyway. Once you've determined that you need to do laundry, the first thing I recommend is trying to wait until a day when everyone else has not determined that they need to do laundry. Avoid doing laundry on days that start with "s" for the best, won't take up six hours of your life waiting for a machine result.
If you do have to do laundry on a Saturday or Sunday--like, if it's a complete emergency and you've been walking around in your pajamas all day because you don't have pants--try to do it at a strange time. Perhaps go at night, or at lunch time. Because otherwise, the hideous waiting in lines of strange people will begin. Just like with eating, avoidance is the strategy of choice here.
Then, make sure you bring all the things you need to actually do your laundry down to the laundry area. For example: Don't forget your laundry soap, drop your bag of un-laundered clothes on the top of a washing machine, run up the six flights of stairs back to your room to grab the detergent, and then run all the way back down to hope to find your clothes where you left them. If you leave your clothes unattended, someone will undoubtedly use the opportunity to usurp your washing machine. And then you'll either have to awkwardly grab your clothes from underneath their feet and sulk away, or boldly stand up to them and demand to know why they stole your preciously guarded machine. I recommend the first option. Because confrontation makes me uncomfortable.
Once you've finally found a machine, you should always keep track of how long it's going to be before your clothes are done. Otherwise, if you leave them there long than absolutely necessary, the laundry room lurkers (the people who stay with their clothes through the entire cycle, and sometimes have more than one load, and therefore basically live in the basement on Sundays) will be upset with you and one of two things will happen. 1. They will move your clothes out of the machine they are currently in, and you will have to hunt for them when you finally return to retrieve them or 2. They will scowl in the most horrendous manner when you walk sheepishly down the stairs to take your garments. Again. Avoid the confrontation.
Of course, it is always an option to become a laundry room lurker yourself, and then you need not risk the glares of your fellow lurking participants. It may, however, become necessary to converse with these strange dwellers, because you all must wait an average of an hour and a half until all your clothes are finished. You might bring homework to avoid their eyes, but perhaps someone will ask you a question, and out of politeness you must then respond appropriately. These are simply the hazards of being a laundry room lurker.
When you have finally finished the hassles of completing the washing and drying of your clothes, you should immediately hang them or fold them and put them away in your room. Otherwise, the chances of you getting distracted and never putting your clothes away are pretty good. You'll have to hunt through your laundry bag every time you need a change of clothing. It is not important, however, that you fold your socks. Let the socks be free, let them frolic in the openness of your sock drawer! They will love you forever, they will love you for always. As long as you're chilly, the warmer they'll be. Okay. That turned weird. I just like socks.
Please don't wait until you have absolutely nothing left to wear. Because then you'll be the awkward kid going to the laundry room in his/her bathrobe. And no one wants that. Especially you.
Friday, September 12, 2014
How To: Eat
So, I figured I'd start out with something very very important. You see, while in college, it's possible to avoid many things. One can refuse to go to events planned by the college, one can study solely in his or her room to minimize the chances of meeting other people, one can never join any extra-curricular activities, but one must eat. No matter how much you may think eating is just a way that the staff of the college force you to get out of your room twice or thrice a day, in reality, if you don't eat, you'll die. And dying will probably not get a post on this how to site.
Firstly, I recommend eating at weird times as to avoid the throngs of people that frequent the dining hall. For example, eat lunch at 11:30 or 1:30, and for sure do not eat directly after your class lets out at noon. Because everyone else's class also lets out at noon, and since they are already out and about, they feel entitled to devour all the food before you can even see it. If you must eat at an inconveniently convenient time, please, please, please don't wander around aimlessly in the cafeteria. This has the effect of one or both of these things: 1. People will know that you are a clueless freshman who can't even find the food that's basically floating in front of their eyes or 2. People will smash into you because you're blocking a main traffic flow artery by going the wrong way down a line that is typically a one-way street. Both of these things can end badly for you.
Once you have entered the cafeteria, it is important to understand that all the food that lies before you is basically yours for the taking. This does not mean that you should take all the food freely! College is a dangerous place where no one is monitoring your eating and (if you're reading this post) you probably sit alone so no one can judge you for eating and you no longer have to make sure there is enough food for the rest of your family. So you must become the one in charge of your food consumption. This is harder than it sounds. Because the food all looks so good. Sure, they have the salad line right there in the middle where you can't miss it. But you also know that if you walk just a little farther in, you'll find the pizza line and the hamburger line and the grilled cheese line and also, if you happen to want the entree they're serving that day, chances are you'll have to wait in a ridiculous line. So the easy thing to do is just grab some pizza and an apple and sit down, telling yourself you're being healthy because you eat fruit. Unfortunately, this probably is not the case.
I recommend eating a salad for one meal a day, at least three times a week. Because salad is quick and easy and usually the line doesn't take six hours, and also, it has the appearances of being healthy (until you drench it in dressing and pile on the cheese, because everyone knows that lettuce actually tastes like uneventful death)!
Once you have your food, you have to actually find a place to eat. If you're alone, try not to take up a ridiculously large table. This act has two purposes: 1. It will prevent you from looking even more like a loser than you already look (just kidding, this site has no judgement on loners; we're all welcome here! but from the outside perspective, we kind of look like losers, and life will just be easier if we accept that) and 2. It prevents large groups of extroverted people from coming to sit down with you and try to awkwardly include you in their conversation, making you feel obligated to both smile and pay attention as well as stay sitting with them until they have finished eating, and in the end, this group behavior makes you feel more uncomfortable and wish you were alone more than ever, which is actually something I try to discourage, because people are good people and we should like them.
Finally, after finishing, try to place all your dishes in the designated areas. Because, you might not know it, but there are people behind the scenes who have to clean your dishes, and I don't want to turn this into a rant about people who leave their silverware on their plate even though there is a clearly marked drop slot for just such items, but really. Do the right thing so the people who clean your dishes don't feel like shooting you after they've finished cleaning your messes for three hours.
Actually, I guess that wasn't finally. Of course, I forgot to tell you about dessert. If you go to eat really early, as advised, there will plentiful dessert to choose from. Choose wisely, and pick something that you can eat while quickly maneuvering out of the dining hall and back to your dorm. Cookies are always good. Don't eat the cake unless you're prepared to stay longer to go back and get a bowl and fork and sit down for another good two minutes. I know, I know. Time commitment. If you're late to eat, you'll have to deal with scant options. Perhaps there will be a lemon flavored rice cake in your future.....
And here you have it. Eating at college. If it's not the most important thing you'll do while attending school, I don't know what you're doing wrong.
Firstly, I recommend eating at weird times as to avoid the throngs of people that frequent the dining hall. For example, eat lunch at 11:30 or 1:30, and for sure do not eat directly after your class lets out at noon. Because everyone else's class also lets out at noon, and since they are already out and about, they feel entitled to devour all the food before you can even see it. If you must eat at an inconveniently convenient time, please, please, please don't wander around aimlessly in the cafeteria. This has the effect of one or both of these things: 1. People will know that you are a clueless freshman who can't even find the food that's basically floating in front of their eyes or 2. People will smash into you because you're blocking a main traffic flow artery by going the wrong way down a line that is typically a one-way street. Both of these things can end badly for you.
Once you have entered the cafeteria, it is important to understand that all the food that lies before you is basically yours for the taking. This does not mean that you should take all the food freely! College is a dangerous place where no one is monitoring your eating and (if you're reading this post) you probably sit alone so no one can judge you for eating and you no longer have to make sure there is enough food for the rest of your family. So you must become the one in charge of your food consumption. This is harder than it sounds. Because the food all looks so good. Sure, they have the salad line right there in the middle where you can't miss it. But you also know that if you walk just a little farther in, you'll find the pizza line and the hamburger line and the grilled cheese line and also, if you happen to want the entree they're serving that day, chances are you'll have to wait in a ridiculous line. So the easy thing to do is just grab some pizza and an apple and sit down, telling yourself you're being healthy because you eat fruit. Unfortunately, this probably is not the case.
I recommend eating a salad for one meal a day, at least three times a week. Because salad is quick and easy and usually the line doesn't take six hours, and also, it has the appearances of being healthy (until you drench it in dressing and pile on the cheese, because everyone knows that lettuce actually tastes like uneventful death)!
Once you have your food, you have to actually find a place to eat. If you're alone, try not to take up a ridiculously large table. This act has two purposes: 1. It will prevent you from looking even more like a loser than you already look (just kidding, this site has no judgement on loners; we're all welcome here! but from the outside perspective, we kind of look like losers, and life will just be easier if we accept that) and 2. It prevents large groups of extroverted people from coming to sit down with you and try to awkwardly include you in their conversation, making you feel obligated to both smile and pay attention as well as stay sitting with them until they have finished eating, and in the end, this group behavior makes you feel more uncomfortable and wish you were alone more than ever, which is actually something I try to discourage, because people are good people and we should like them.
Finally, after finishing, try to place all your dishes in the designated areas. Because, you might not know it, but there are people behind the scenes who have to clean your dishes, and I don't want to turn this into a rant about people who leave their silverware on their plate even though there is a clearly marked drop slot for just such items, but really. Do the right thing so the people who clean your dishes don't feel like shooting you after they've finished cleaning your messes for three hours.
Actually, I guess that wasn't finally. Of course, I forgot to tell you about dessert. If you go to eat really early, as advised, there will plentiful dessert to choose from. Choose wisely, and pick something that you can eat while quickly maneuvering out of the dining hall and back to your dorm. Cookies are always good. Don't eat the cake unless you're prepared to stay longer to go back and get a bowl and fork and sit down for another good two minutes. I know, I know. Time commitment. If you're late to eat, you'll have to deal with scant options. Perhaps there will be a lemon flavored rice cake in your future.....
And here you have it. Eating at college. If it's not the most important thing you'll do while attending school, I don't know what you're doing wrong.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Welcome to a New, Unfamiliar, Dangerous Life
Good morning, afternoon or evening! I hope you find yourself in good health, because finding good health is one of the hardest parts of college ever! You see, college kids aren't very good at keeping their germs to themselves. They're horribly over-possessive of everything except their germs. And this, my friends, is college.
Perhaps, if you're reading this, you're like me. You're a little bit homesick; you miss you friends and your parents and your pet parakeet. You haven't quite made friends yet, although there are people you'd like to be friends with, and there are people you occasionally eat dinner or lunch or breakfast with. You get maybe a little bit sad when you see your old friends posting about how well they've adjusted to their college life, while you're stuck here being jealous of their apparently abundant social skills. You might sometimes still get lost, even though your campus is the size of a grain of rice. If these things sound like you, you've come to the right place!! The world is ours for the seizing, Socially Impaired College Students!
You see, I've been at college for almost two whole weeks now, and obviously this means I know everything. No. Just kidding. The people who know everything are definitely the more socially able kids of the bunch. But what I do know is how to survive. I survive, and I enjoy survival. So here, I am going to teach you the basic skills you need to go to college as someone with underdeveloped social progess.
Now please, do not take offense to the Socially Impaired part of this narrative. I agree, there may be a better way--a more politically correct way--to tell people that we as a group aren't the best at having, making and keeping friends. But there is not a more direct way. And sometimes directness is the best way to venture.
I know that many of you are very intelligent creatures, as I am myself. I believe that this is part of our problem. We are too smart for the rest of the universe, and they simply try to make us more invisible than we rightly deserve. This is only because they are afraid. If you find yourself alienated in your classes, it might very well be because no one else there is up to your level. Especially in the first year/semester, this is probably the case. But just you wait until you start taking classes in your major, and classes that aren't general eds. that have to be toned down so even the weakest mind can pass.
You didn't know college was going to be easier than high school.
And with that, I shall leave you. I should be out exploring, gathering more wisdom to share with you as I wander around campus alone, taking pictures of random statues, avoiding the gazes of others and hoping not to be judged. Stay strong, fellow sociological students of social impairment. The world of college is at our fingertips.
Perhaps, if you're reading this, you're like me. You're a little bit homesick; you miss you friends and your parents and your pet parakeet. You haven't quite made friends yet, although there are people you'd like to be friends with, and there are people you occasionally eat dinner or lunch or breakfast with. You get maybe a little bit sad when you see your old friends posting about how well they've adjusted to their college life, while you're stuck here being jealous of their apparently abundant social skills. You might sometimes still get lost, even though your campus is the size of a grain of rice. If these things sound like you, you've come to the right place!! The world is ours for the seizing, Socially Impaired College Students!
You see, I've been at college for almost two whole weeks now, and obviously this means I know everything. No. Just kidding. The people who know everything are definitely the more socially able kids of the bunch. But what I do know is how to survive. I survive, and I enjoy survival. So here, I am going to teach you the basic skills you need to go to college as someone with underdeveloped social progess.
Now please, do not take offense to the Socially Impaired part of this narrative. I agree, there may be a better way--a more politically correct way--to tell people that we as a group aren't the best at having, making and keeping friends. But there is not a more direct way. And sometimes directness is the best way to venture.
I know that many of you are very intelligent creatures, as I am myself. I believe that this is part of our problem. We are too smart for the rest of the universe, and they simply try to make us more invisible than we rightly deserve. This is only because they are afraid. If you find yourself alienated in your classes, it might very well be because no one else there is up to your level. Especially in the first year/semester, this is probably the case. But just you wait until you start taking classes in your major, and classes that aren't general eds. that have to be toned down so even the weakest mind can pass.
You didn't know college was going to be easier than high school.
And with that, I shall leave you. I should be out exploring, gathering more wisdom to share with you as I wander around campus alone, taking pictures of random statues, avoiding the gazes of others and hoping not to be judged. Stay strong, fellow sociological students of social impairment. The world of college is at our fingertips.
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