How To: Work

After that brief hiatus in which I went insane and confused your brain, it's time to get back down to the real world! The world of work. And adults will so often tell you that work is the real world. Except you're probably an adult now, too. I know I'm an adult. And what does that mean? It means you get to start determining what is and is not the real world for you. Unfortunately, at this point in your life, it probably means school. And homework. And having to do horrible things for horribly long amounts of time. But also, it possibly means that you have to get a job.

Now, I will concede that my area of knowledge on this subject is smaller than I would like it to be. You see, I only have one job, and it would be difficult for me to comment on other people's jobs if I have not experienced them. So, right now, fair warning: If you have a job that is something other than serving people or washing dishes, I will offer no valuable insight into those things. I will, however, offer humorous anecdotes about having to wash dishes for seven hours a week. So stick around if you like humor. Or even if you don't like humor. You might learn to crack a smile.

Firstly, if you're like me, you've simply been assigned a job because you're too poor to fully pay for college, and apparently, you get to assist your way through financial difficulty by working ten hours a week, not including any class or studying or free time you may want. So there really isn't any way of getting out of this job, because if you quit, you have to pay a couple thousand more dollars. So try not to do that.

Of course, getting to work is one of the hardest parts. Colleges like to schedule freshman at the most inconvenient shifts ever, because upperclassmen get priorities. It may not seem fair, but it's just like tenure for teachers. But that's another story. Anyway, if you have to drag yourself out of bed at 6:15 am because you work at 6:45, the only trouble you will have is actually getting up. You'll hit the snooze button on your alarm like six times, because you set it to only snooze for a minute, and then you'll cautiously roll out of bed on to the cold, hard ground, cursing the world for your lowly status as a freshman.

But don't worry, you'll get over it.

Once you arrive at work, apparently there's some sort of uniform that you have to put on? Because they like all the workers to look like they didn't just curse the world, and that they are in fact prepared to serve the students of the college the best breakfast/lunch/dinner they've ever had.

One of the second hardest parts of having a serving job is having to deal with people. While some college students probably enjoy having classes at 8 am, most do not. So they're just as crabby as you would be were you not wearing a uniform specifically designed to be anti-crab. And they glare and hiss and wrinkle their noses like cute little bunny rabbits except they're actually football players so it's weird, and you just have to take it. Smile. Stare at them directly in the eye sockets (AKA: make eye contact), and be polite. Always say, "Good morning," even if they say directly back, "No it's not." Because maybe you'll be the only person they talk to all day. Make them happy.

One perk of serving people is that you can silently judge them in you head. Judge them about what they eat, how much they eat, how they speak so quietly you can't even hear them, how often they come back to get more food. You can even play games! Count how many people you know the names of! Count how many people call you creepily by your name which they only know because you have to wear a name tag as part of your extra-happiness uniform. What ever you do, don't let them see your fear.

Fear comes when you have to switch old food out for new food. Because inevitably, the line will get backed up just as you step away from the serving counter. And then people have to wait. And then they get angry. And then they glare and hiss and.... yeah. You know the drill.

The other part of food service comes when you have to wash the dishes. This is almost better than serving because you don't have to talk to any angry customers. All you have to do is be angry at the customers. Because people GOSH DARN DON'T KNOW HOW TO FREAKING READ A STINKING SIGN ABOUT WHERE TO PUT THEIR SILVERWARE, GOSH DARN IT. But I digress.

Dish washing is the--I hesitate to say fun--part of your job, because the judgement doesn't have to be so internal. You can totally laugh to your co-workers about the person who drank Powerade for breakfast. Or the person who put gravy on their waffles. Or the person who evidently hated their biology class so much, they felt the need to throw their textbook on the conveyor belt with all the dirty dishes. These judgments should definitely be said out loud. Plus: bonus bonding with your newly formed friends because the horrors of dried lasagna is too much to bare alone.

Always be kind to the people who give you your food. And the people who clean your food when you're finished. You never know what kind of tricks they're willing to play after three and a half hours of almost torture.