Time For A Happy Hiatus!

Hee hee. I remember reading the word "hiatus" in Lord of the Flies in 9th grade and thinking it was a plant. Ha. Okay. Well. Now that that tangent is over....

So, I will be heading back to college tomorrow, but only for a little while. Because after that, I will embark on a trip to Gallup, New Mexico to try my hand at some actual teaching-y things! I might die. I might get eaten by bears. I might get swallowed whole by a whale. I don't quite know what will happen. But I guess college is a place for deciding whether or not you like adventure! And also trying new things. Neither of which I'm very good at. But you know, a little practice never hurt anyone! (Except for that time I sprained my hand at soccer practice.) Anyway.

I'll be heading down at 5:30 am on January 2nd, with six other students and one professor. I wanted to teach either Spanish or English, and while I did get placed in a high school Spanish class, that class also happens to be Algebra I. So. I haven't taken math in three years. But that's probably not important. The math part is probably also the dying part. Although people assure me that it's not as hard as I remember.

I'll have to be taking a break, I think, from the normal format of this blog, as being a how to sort of thing and perhaps just write about my experiences. If I'm not too exhausted from teaching and our weekend excursions. But I'm sure I'll find time to let you in on at least one or two important things that have been happening down there in the desert!

Are there turtles in the desert? Perhaps tortoises? I don't know.... Maybe I should find these things out before I just expect them to exist....

I hope it won't be too cold down there. It apparently gets warmer during the day, but at night, it can be around 10 degrees. Not that that's any different from living in Minnesota/Iowa. I'd still like to enjoy some warmer things, I think.

I'm a little bit sad to be leaving my friends here so early, especially the ones I don't get to see very often, but sooner than I know, May will come around, and there will be a whole summer to enjoy! And I am pretty excited about teaching and New Mexico and adventure.

Hopefully you all have a wonderful New Year and New Year's Eve, and I will see you all IN THE FUTURE!

How To: Avoid Studying for Finals...

...by making a bunch of lists of your favorite things!

This is what you're saying right now: "Gah! I thought this blog things was going to give me advice on college and stuff! Why are you writing about things that I don't care about? Stop doing that!"

Well, too bad. I don't mean to insult all of my readers, but I like to write about stuff that I like. And also, nothing advice-worth-giving has happened recently. Plus, this way you get to learn about me! Me, as a person! Instead of just all the things that I know! So, here we go!

Favorite Colors:
1. Orange
2. Purple
3. Red
4. Orange
5. Cerulean
6. Orange
Favorite Toasts:
1. Cheesy toast
2. Butter toast
3. Cinnamon toast
4. Peanut butter toast
Favorite Animals:
1. Turtle
Favorite X-Files Episodes:
1. "The Post-Modern Prometheus" S5E5 (Tie: This is the best because Cher, and also emotions)
1. "The Goldberg Variation" S7E6 (Tie: This is the best because I'm obsessed with cause and effect)
2. "Bad Blood" S5E12 (Hilarity)
3. "Je Souhaite" S7E21 (Also hilarity)
4. "The Unnatural" S619 ("Did you bring enough ice cream to share with the rest of the class?" "It's not ice cream. It's a tofutti rice dreamsicle.")
5. "Quagmire" S3E22 (The dog. Although, spoiler: it gets eaten)
6. "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas" S6E6 (Brain messing with potential)
7. "Hollywood A.D." S7E19 (Three-way telephone bubble bath)
Favorite Superheroes:
1. Iron Man
2. No, just Iron Man. Sorry.
Favorite Harry Potter Books:
1. Prisoner of Azkaban
2. Deathly Hallows
3. Sorcerer's Stone
4. Half-Blood Prince
5. Goblet of Fire
6. Order of the Phoenix
7. Chamber of Secrets (Sorry, but my hatred of Lockhart is worse than my hatred of Umbridge. That might be a lie. I really don't know.)
Favorite Food:
1. Tuna Fish Hot Dish!!! Ahhh!
2. Stuffed Manicotti
3. Strawberries
4. Strawberry Ice Cream
5. Strawberry Shortcake
Favorite Turtles:
1. My Giant Stuffed Turtle
2. My Smallish Stuffed Turtle
3. My Turtle Slippers
4. My Largeish Turtle Figurine
5. My Barbie Turtle
6. My Little Turtle from Heather
7. My Shell Turtle from Maria
8. My Bobble Head Turtle from (someone?)
9. My Little Turtle from my Brother
10. My Paper Turtle from Maddy (also a bunch of turtle comics)
11. My Sparkly Turtle on an Orange Background Necklace from Rachel
Favorite Songs: (These are subjective to the day/week/dare I say minute? that I choose them.)
1. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin
2. "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" -Coldplay
3. "L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N." - Noah and the White Whale
4. "Tell the World" - Eric Hutchinson
5. "The Banishment Song" - Fruit Bats
6. "When U Love Somebody" - Fruit Bats
7. "Heavy Heart" - O.A.R.
8. "No One's Gonna Love You" - Band of Horses

Wow. That's a lot stuff. I hope you took time to read it all. But if you didn't, that's okay. I had fun making it! Lists are fun! Let me know if there was something not in a list that you want to know. I'll be happy to oblige!

Interesting

So, I just noticed that the font size on my last post got bigger and bigger and I'm not going to change it, because I feel like it sort of represents my feelings of impatience that occurred while writing it. And it amuses me. Also, that last post was really pretty cathartic. I enjoyed it. You should rant about stuff more often, self.

How To: Reflection

Just, just close your eyes, and imagine yourself in a peaceful, happy place, surrounded by turtles (not the meat eating ones, the nice, cozy ones that only eat lettuce) and with a delicious drink of juice and ice cubes in your hand, feeling the wind blowing on your hair and maybe a soft kitten sitting on your lap (if you like that kind of thing and aren't allergic) and NO.

Nope. We're done with that. I want to talk about ANGER. Anger and madness and frustration and procrastination and ranting and all that stuff. Mostly because I'm avoiding do important things. I don't even have an advice today. Nothing of important advice-giving excitement has really happened to me. Soon, though, I get to talk about finals. Not that my finals experience will be a normal one. But I'll leave that til later.

So, first of all, I want to freak out about stupid group projects! Like, HOW IS THIS STILL A THING? I THOUGHT I WAS FREE BUT THEY LIED TO ME LIARS LIARS LIARS PANTS ON FIRES. It wouldn't be so bad. Except weird kid cited Wikipedia. And then I had to find a source that said the same thing that the Wikipedia article said. And you know what was the most frustrating thing about that? The fact that it only took me three minutes to find an article that said the EXACT SAME THING AS WIKIPEDIA. That means, weird kid, that you could have taken three extra minutes and gotten the same information, and I would have no reason to hate you right now.

And also, weird kid number two, maybe you could send me your notes. I mean, I basically know what they say, because I basically told you what to research, but still. The paper is due tomorrow, and you've had these note for like, four months. But I guess I'll just make stuff up because I have to work tonight, so who needs to know what you think about things anyway? But actually, weird kid number two, I'm kind of giving you a pass because you make that class way more entertaining than it would normally be if you weren't there making slightly inappropriate comments everyday. So there's that.

Oh, yeah, and weird girl? Maybe if you want to make me think you did your work earlier than you actually did by changing the citation access date, you should pick a day that actually exists, like not September 31. Sorry to inform you that that's not a thing.

Sometimes I'm really concerned about the people that they let into college.

I mean, there was an essay involved in this application process. If you can't even write complete sentences, how are you here? Complete sentences need a subject! Not, "Making a profit off of the incidental trends and swings of the market."That's not a sentence! Stop! Please, make it stop!!

Also, for this paper, I've had to do a lot more research than I originally thought I was going to need to do. Many of the researching things I've done involve watching videos about economics. It was basically like flashbacks to AP Econ senior year of high school. And I became overly anxious about the fact that I don't remember any of that stuff that I supposedly learned. And I worried that I probably shouldn't have gotten a 4 on the AP test. But, you know what? That's all in the past. Who never has to take another math, science or economics class? ME! Because I can memorize stuff for about four hours and then it's lost. It's all gone. Stupid brain.

Except apparently I have to take a math test to enter the teach program. Hopefully someone will tutor me, because I can barely do basic math skills. Although, why you need to know how to do math to teach Spanish or English is beyond me. Maybe they just want you to be a well-rounded person. But if that's the case, HOW COME THE PEOPLE STUDYING BIOLOGY WRITE SENTENCES LIKE "Making a profit off of the incidental trends and swings of the market."??????? Is this just a double-edged sword of swordsmanship that I am unprepared to deal with? Is this the real world that I am unprepared to deal with? Do I even exist on the same plane of existence as the rest of the world?

Is this what an existential crisis feels like?

I'm gonna go eat cookies now. Because that's nutrition. Yesterday morning I ate cookies for breakfast because I missed real breakfast. Maybe that's why I'm so irritable today. Someone who knows how to science should study those things. (I just turned science into a verb. Because I'm an English major, and I can crush all the rules.) Rule crusher! (For the record, only English majors can crush the rules of English. And only biology majors can crush the rules of biology. you stick to your weirdo science-y things, and I'll stick to my not-so-weirdo English-y things. Deal? Deal. DEAL WITH IT.)

Also, I should write my Spanish presentation. I kind of know how it will go, but I don't want to write it down, because I'm all about denying reality. (One of the articles I read today about economics said that poor people are poor because they deny reality. I guess that explains a lot. Or I'm just in college. I don't know. Either way.) It's like, if I go write it down, that means for sure I'll have to do it at some point in the future. If I don't write it down, it's more like, "Hey! There's still a chance that this class will be cancelled, or maybe the building will explode and your professor won't remember what we were supposed to be doing because all her notes exploded too!" Yep. That's definitely reality.

I'll give you a hint though. I'm doing an infomercial about turtles. And shoes. Together. Turtle shoes. Slogan? "Is your life going too fast? Strap some turtles to your feet, and watch as life slows down so you can enjoy every minute, second and millisecond!"

I might even use paint to depict my idea. That's basically skill.

How To: Monopoly

No, no. Don't worry. This isn't how to economically take over the world by owning every single thing that anyone in the world would want, therefore making it so you are the only one who makes money off of anything. That would be cool. However, I do not possess this skill, the one of taking over the world, so I feel unqualified to speak on it. But. We will talk about something much better. Something much more intense. Something... something essential to life itself. Monopoly: The Game.

I SEE YOU SITTING THERE SHAKING YOUR HEAD AT ME LIKE I AM INSANE AND THIS IS NOT TRUE. I AM NOT INSANE. I AM ABOUT TO TEACH YOU THE BEST THING YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EVER. SKILLS. A VERY IMPORTANT SET OF SKILLS. MONOPOLY SKILLS.

First, you should set up a slightly different set of rules than the ones the game provides for you. For example, you should be able to buy houses whenever you want. Provided you own the property, of course. But this makes the game go much faster, because Monopoly does take a long time to play. Unless you have skills. Which I am about to teach you. Anyway. You should also implement the rule that if you are in jail, you are not allowed to speak. This saves the person in jail a lot of their voice, because then they don't have to whine about being in jail for three turns. Also, you should put all the house buying money, and any money that you normally pay to the bank (aside from buying properties) into the free parking, so that when someone lands on free parking, the rest of the players have a common bond in hating the person who has just gained a ton of free money.

Now, if you're like my family, you have four (at least) different versions of this game. However, our "real" version has become hard to play, because some certain, unnamed small children lost all the houses and hotels. So usually we play the electronic version that uses credit cards.

Here is my advice: Always be the banker. Because the banker is basically in charge. And with credit cards, it's slightly easy to cheat. No one can count their money, and no one knows how much money they have unless you tell them (unless they're a weirdie and keep meticulous track of their monetary gains and losses.) People probably won't notice a thousand dollars missing here or there. Except, I have to recommend not cheating until you've earned the trust of your other players. And even then I recommend not cheating at all. I'm just saying it's possible.

Then, you should always buy the railroads. But only if you can get all of them. Trade whatever you have to to get them from the others. The railroads will be most valuable to you. Most valuable. Then, buy the orange and red properties. And put as many houses and hotels on them as you can. Try to never buy the blue ones, the super expensive ones, because no one ever lands on those. Because blue is a lame color. From there, work your way down the cheapest properties. My dad calls this being a slum lord. I call it strategy.

Eventually, this game becomes a test of seeing who can stand being bored the longest. Eventually, a small child will quit, and your opponents will dwindle. Eventually, even if you don't win by winning, you win by everyone else leaving the game. The test of not losing all of your money, even if you have to give up all your properties, and staying in the game until everyone else has QUIT QUIT QUIT will make you the sole victor of Monopoly.

Because you know what they say: Quitters never win, but they sure do make it easier for ME, THE ULTIMATE MONOPOLY PLAYER, TO DOMINATE THE GAME AND POSSIBLY THE WORLD. (Not with economics, though. I have a different world domination plan. (That I won't share with you.))

How To: Hand Dryers, the Perils of

Hello! So sorry I haven't written anything in a while. I was busy doing college-y things! And/or I was watching Fringe and trying to decode the secret word message in each episode. Either way. But I am back! So. Let's talk about hand dryers.

First of all, there are virtually no bathrooms in my entire school that have paper towels to dry your hands with. One of the main reasons this is--claim the people in charge--is because paper towels kill trees. Which is true. I'm pretty sure paper towels are made out of tree parts. But then you get hand dryers. Which use electricity! I don't know which uses more energy, paper towels or electricity, but it seems like either one is going to be killing the planet! And yet, we go for the inconvenient ones.

Which conveniently brings me to my next point that hand dryers are inconvenient. They all claim they're very convenient on that silly generic sticker they have on them, but no! Do not let that fool you! It says they're always available, as one reason for this misguided convenience. But what if there was a power outage? Then how is that electrically generated low-pressure air stream going to be always available?

They also claim to create a cleaner bathroom area. And maybe that would be true if we were just looking at the paper towels that fall on the floor out of a trash can. But we have to take into account the water that splashes off people's hands and on to the floor creating not only water-y puddles, but kind of a hazard if people were to slip and fall. Also, people sometimes think these hand dryer things take too long, and so they leave the bathroom without drying their hands at all, and leave their wet hand prints all over the door. Lots of bacteria grows in water, I learned sometime in biology. That's the opposite of cleanly.

One of the other claims is that they prevent chapped hands. However, as stated above, people think these dryer things take too long to dry their hands. So they either leave before their hands are truly dry, creating lots of chapping, or they don't dry their hands at all, also creating chapping!

I'm supposing that the only for sure way to avoid having to use these dangerous/horrible inventions is to bring your own towel. A nice, soft, fluffy towel that makes your hands feel like satin. Because otherwise, your hands will die a slow and lonely death of chapped unhappiness. Poor hands.

PS: Hand dryers are LOUD. It's like, "I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and oh, let me just wake up the entire hallway while I turn on the hand dryer to make it's hideous noise!" That's no fun.

Open Letter to Prescribed Medication

Dear Prescribed Medication,
Oh how strange you are. I understand your importance in the grand scheme of things, like, I really enjoy not being so dizzy I can't even sit up. And probably you're very important to many other people because I'm sure medical advances have saved many people and made their lives easier.

However, I am skeptical of the fact that you have these so called "side-effects." Why are we as society so medically advanced, yet cannot make you without side-effects? Why can't you just do as you are told? I mean, if you have to come with a warning to not drive and to not make important life decisions, there might be a problem.

You also might notice, dear Prescribed Medication, that it is very late. Or early, depending on how you look at it. But that is because you are being very unkind to me. Do you know that I'm supposed to work in the later morning? You're probably like, "Let me just make you stay up until 3:30 am. That sounds like a perfect time!" But I dislike you for this! Why? Why strange thing why??

So, as punishment towards you, here are all the things I've accomplished while not sleeping:
1. Pretty much nothing important. Like, that book that I'm supposed to read for Friday that's like a bajillion pages? Yeah. I haven't read that. Probably because you also (among your numerous other charming qualities) make it difficult to focus.

2. Showering. Because people (normal people) don't take showers at midnight! Aha! Shower all to myself! Yes! Victory!

3. Blogging. Obviously. I obviously wrote this while I was not sleeping. I hope you appreciate how important you are to me/this blog.

4. Many YouTube videos. I didn't make them, no. Because I'm not that cool and because people were sleeping and that would be bad. But I watched many many of them.

5. Oh hey! I finished my robot play thing that I'm supposed to read for tom--today. It was really really weird. And I honestly don't know if it would be that weird if you weren't influencing my brain. I hope it'll still be that weird when we talk about it in class. I don't want to sound like a weirdo.

6. Thinking about how in almost all the books I read for English classes, I miss an essential part. Like, this one, I missed that the weird girl burned the manuscript. When we read Lord of the Flies in 9th grade I missed that Piggy died. Sorry. Those were both probably spoilers for you. Don't worry. Neither of those books were pretty good, in my opinion. In Persepolis I missed the guy peeing on the other guy. I mean, how do I even know I don't miss essential things in books I just read for fun?! This is actually of concern to me. Mostly just right now. It's probably not concerning in real life.

7. Stumbleupon. That's an actual website. Some people use Tumblr, I use Stumbleupon. And if you set the category only to Humor, that just makes it so much better. Because a) things are just funnier at night and b) I'm pretty sure things are funnier when you're being my friend, Prescribed Medication.

8. Music. Both my lovely, calming (although not really), familiar music and new music as discovered for me by Spotify.

That's actually a lot of stuff. I hope you're proud of yourself. And also, I have a band concert tonight. So I hope you're glad that I'm going to be falling asleep during that. Hmm. I'm wearing my turtle slippers. They're pretty cool. Cooler than you. Why can't I just wear turtle slippers as my anti-falling over medication? I think that would just be better.

As sincere as one can be when instructed to not make important life decisions,
Jen

How To: Mental Recuperation?

I just want to warn all you strange people out there who may be under the impression that I have emotional stability in all parts of my life and don't feel lonely or sad or disappointed or any negative feelings anywhere that this is actually not true and I'm just going to reveal all my weakness right now. In this "highly public" forum.

This must be the time of college when all the normal people finally feel like they know what they're doing with their life and college and the world and they have friends and people they like and they don't eat every single meal by themselves and they actually do things on the weekends instead of watch all the episodes of television that they didn't get to during the week because homework is a thing. And if you're not normal you feel LIKE DEATH. Because you feel none of the aforementioned things.

And one of the hardest parts is watching all your friends be normal. It's basically like you're left in the dust when it comes to the path of social maturation. And all the people say that the social aspect is the last part of college to happen, UNLESS YOU'RE FREAKING NORMAL. Because normal people don't have social anxiety that prevents them from making friends easily. Like, normal people don't walk super fast to avoid having to awkwardly not know whether or not the person behind you is close enough for it to be reasonable to hold the door open for them. And normal people don't freak out about buying chips at the weird store because they don't want people to judge them for buying chips. And normal people don't eat quickly and terrifiedly in the hopes that no one will come and sit down at the same table in an attempt to seem friendly.

But all your friends don't need you anymore, because they have their new friends, and all the people you should be making friends with already have all their friends, because they're just better at making friends than you. And you feel really lonely and you just want to talk to your old friends, but you're also worried that you're too needy and that they don't really miss you that much (because new friends) and that you're interrupting their life with your need for socializing that you haven't figured out how to satisfy in real life yet.

And you know what? All these things apply to me. Way more than I would like. Because people don't actually like being lonely. No says, "Ooh, yes! Lonely! That's my favorite feeling!" So I don't actually have a solution to this problem. I guess I listen to music a lot. But I don't want to tell my friends that I'm not as socially capable as them, because that's just not cool. But if you have a solution to my problem, (that's not, "Just go join clubs" or "Just go up and talk to people" because neither of those things work/will be happening) please, please let me know. I'd love to seem well adjusted to college and life and the world. That would be just great.

How To: Write a Poem

Ahh, poetry. What could be better? EVERYTHING.

No. I like writing poems. But usually only funny poems. Because the weird ones you're supposed to analyze in English class are given way too much meaning, probably. It's way more fun to just make stuff up off the top of your head.

So here I'm going to give you a step by step guide on how to write a poem that people can't read into more than surface value.

1. Topic.

• Sometimes finding a topic for your poem is the hardest part. You usually want something that's just random and weird and awesome. And random. So, you should go to Wikipedia and hit the random article button. Of course, you should probably be careful, because you might get a random article that you know absolutely nothing about (like Khadayata) and then in order to write a good poem, you'd have to do research and poetry is definitely not about learning! So, just hit random until you get something you actually know about. Note: This process may take longer than writing the whole poem. Apparently there are more entries on Wikipedia than I planned for...

2. Done.

• Once there was a disaster
• That lived in Mexico
• But no one likes Mexico
• Especially disasters
• So it wanted to move
• To not Mexico
• But buses aren't very
• Reliable transport
• Especially because
• Disasters are made
• Out of materials
• Like mushrooms
• And Fungus
• Which do not travel well
• On buses
• Poor mushroom-y
• Fungus-y
• Disaster-y
• Mexico
• You make the world
• Cry

3. Title.

• I hate titles. Just pick a couple words, preferably nouns with a verb, and mash them together in a sentence. Like: Poor Mexican Disasters

4. Publish.

• Good think this is a blog and I can just publish things whenever I want, regardless of if a third party read my poetry and thinks it's good. I literally just get to push the orange Publish button. It's great. 

I hope that was an informative lesson for you. Poems aren't supposed to make sense. That's half the reason you're still analyzing poetry written hundreds of years ago. No one truly knows what it means. Please share with me all your lovely poems. I would love to read them and not analyze them. 

How To: Avoid Obligation

One of the main things college is supposed to teach students, in my opinion, is time management skills. And what better way to learn these skills than run away from any important thing you're supposed to do ever? You see, when you do fun things, or just not what you're supposed to be doing things, it teaches you how to accomplish things under pressure.

[Side note: I'm definitely listening to a random radio station on Spotify, and the song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover came on. I am so amused right now. A lot. Sorry. I just had to document that.]

So in reality, avoiding obligation will be the most useful thing you can ever do during your college education.

Firstly, you should always leave your homework to the last possible day. I recommend having something else you really like to do to distract you. For example, you could start a blog. I know this thing is a huge time waster (but not wasting because I'm learning important skills, remember?) for me. Plus, you're technically still writing something, so it feels more productive if you're still in the stage where you feel guilty about not doing things.

Of course, there're always video games and TV shows and Netflix and YouTube and Facebook and all those other electronical things. I think you could do well with a nice book, because that goes along with the eliminating the guilty feelings, because reading often teaches you things. Or, you could go get some physical recreation time, because not only is that important, but then you might feel healthier too, which is always good.

Now, I can read your mind, and I see you asking me how physical activity isn't an obligation. To that, I simply say that running is bad. Running is like death. So I do not feel obligated to death. So there. Feel free to debunk my logic. I dare you. You won't take on my challenge.

Also, you can go out to eat with friends! Yeah! Because it's November, and by now you might have some friends. My friends and I went out to eat at a taco-y place today. I should have been writing a paper, but instead I devoured delicious tacos with people who made me laugh. So, tomorrow then, I have to write my entire paper. And read some horrible things. Gross.

But it's more important to learn these things about pressure and writing papers and not dying and also having friends and a kind of social life than to do stupid homework. Actually, I'm feeling slightly worried about doing that tomorrow. Because I also have to work. Although not worried enough to do it right now. My brain is the biggest procrastinator (meaning best teacher of the working under pressure ever) that I know of.

Thank you brain.

How To: Eat Pasta without Salt

Maybe you're not supposed to eat salt. For health reasons. Or maybe you just decided to be more healthier. That would be pretty cool. But either way, or any other way as well, also, too, it may become necessary to find new and exciting ways to enrich your pasta consumption. Because none of the other foods served in your cafeteria are nearly as exciting.

First, of course, you always have the option of getting the sauce that comes with the pasta. Like the red sauce that's supposed to make you think it's spaghetti, but really. Who makes spaghetti without meat? Because that red stuff is just weird tomato-y junk mashed up and cooked. No one likes cooked, mashed tomatoes. Raw tomatoes, yes.

Or they have the basically deathly alfredo sauce. I'm sorry. I can't do alfredo. The smell makes me gag. But anyway. I guess if you're a weirdo, you have that option.

But after that, what else can you do? You can still get butter on these noodles. I in fact recommend getting butter on them all the time.

Recipe 1: Butter and pepper. Pepper adds a new texture to your pasta, and it's just as easy as having salt without the same destructiveness to your ears. Just be careful that the weird people don't put salt in their pepper, because then this whole adventure is for naught.

Recipe 2: Butter and the vegetables from the vegan line. These vegetables are usually pretty good, and they are cooked to perfection. Just be careful if there are onions in them. Because onions are dangerous. Don't eat onions.

Recipe 3: Butter and the vegetables from the salad line. These aren't the cooked vegetables, but if you tear up the lettuce and cut up the carrots, you kind of have a salad, with noodles! Don't put dressing on it though. That just ends badly. (Maybe I tried that once. Maybe.)

Recipe 4: Fruit. No butter on these! Fruit and butter don't go well together! I usually go with grapes, just because all the other fruit is hard to put into noodles. But if there are kiwis, those are pretty good too. You just have to work really hard to make sure you don't get any of the weird brown skin. Although I've been informed that some people eat the brown skin. Why would you want to do that?

Recipe 5: Butter and some type of meat. You can go to the sandwich line and just ask for ham or turkey or whatever kind of meat you like, and then tear it up and mix it with the noodles! Maybe even get the bread too, although probably not to put in the noodles. Bread is just delicious!

Recipe 6: Soup. You can put butter on this too, although usually it's better without it. But if you get the noodles and then pour the soup of the day on it, it just adds more delicious texture to the soup! Especially tomato soup. Mmm. I just like tomatoes. Not the weird kind! Remember what I said before!

Recipe 7: Peanut butter. You're just going to have to try this one yourself. Because, seriously. It's pretty good. And I can't even describe it to you.

There! Now you have a week's worth of lovely pasta based meals! You should try them all! And let me know if you have a different way to eat your pasta! I'm always curious!

How To: Go Home (and Come Back)

Mwa ha ha ha ha! You have survived, I hope, until possibly a time when you get to go back to your house! Not your weird dorm house in a giant building with a bajillion other people, but your really house, with your parents, and your siblings, and your dog, and your cat, and your lizard, and whatever else you left at your house when you went to college! That's so exciting!

First of all, you have to figure out how to get there. That's pretty challenging. Because maybe your mother is tired of driving and by a stroke of luck, someone is visiting you at college and they offer to drive you home. That would be awesome. But if that doesn't happen, you'll probably have to talk to people. Maybe you can plead with them to give you a ride to half way to you house. Maybe you can bribe them. I know candy usually works. Or, less fun for you, you can offer to pay some gas money. Which is actually what you should do, because they're being so kind as to drive you somewhere, even though they were already going that somewhere anyway. But be polite. That's how you make friends.

After you get home, you should hope that your parents didn't decide to move all the furniture. Because that makes you very confused and disoriented. You'll walk in and be like, "I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT MY OWN HOUSE LOOKS LIKE!" And then your mom will tell you that she just moved the furniture today. So you basically had a mini crisis for nothing.

Then you should spend time with your siblings. You've probably forgotten how hilarious they are. Especially if you have brothers. Especially if one of those brothers is twelve. Twelve is a hilarious age. Then you should spend time with your pets. (I don't have pets. But you could definitely reverse these two spending time with people/animals things if you want.)

Of course, don't forget to talk to your parents too. Because maybe if you talk to them, you'll discover that they bought you strawberry ice cream and hid it in the freezer where no one else can find it and you have it all to yourself, and if you don't talk to them, you'll never ever know about it until the last possible day, and you'll be forced to eat it for breakfast. And also, parents are nice people.

Maybe you can go to a movie with your brother. The old one. The old one who's old enough to see R rated movies with you. The old one who's old enough to see R rated movies with you and looks older than you even though he's not and then you get your license checked and he doesn't just because he has a beard. Yeah. That old one. Except be careful that you don't run into any of his friends who doesn't know he has a sister, because then apparently that friend will think you two are dating. Sigh. I really should be used to that by now. But, really. It's just not normal. And it's uncomfortable.

And don't forget to spend time with your friends! You can wander around Target and wear all the stuff in the Halloween/Christmas sections and leave Oreos on random pillars throughout the store! Actually, you probably shouldn't do that last thing. That's not very nice to the people who have to retrieve all the Oreos. And of course, go to Dairy Queen, because there isn't one at all close to where you go to college.

And also don't forget to mourn the friends that don't have break at the same time as you. Because you miss those friends. Maybe they should come back. But anyway.

You can also go visit your very favorite teachers and surprise them so they scream at your faces when you say, "Hola!" That just makes your day. Teachers are the best. No, I'm not biased, thank you very much.

After all this lovely fun stuff happens, apparently you have to go back to college. Maybe you don't feel as excited to go back as did when you were going back to home. But when you get there, you realize that going back to college doesn't feel nearly as weird as going back home felt. Which is weird. Which makes you a little sad. But also makes you a little glad, because you must be doing something right. But you can always go back home in another month at Thanksgiving! And also, they happen to be showing Guardians of the Galaxy as a movie today. So you somehow feel vindicated. You can survive. You will survive.

You will.

Yooouuuuu willllllllll..........

That was totally just me reassuring myself. Don't mind me.

How To: Homework

By now, I might guess because I'm having this problem, you may be a little homework-ly-intensive-ly struggling through your sixth week of college. And also, midterms. No one likes tests. Especially you. But I like tests. Because it means no homework! I mean, no real homework. I guess you're still supposed to study, but that's for sure not required.

But, before you get to study, you have to do lots of menial work. All the people who told you what college was like probably said that college was a lot of long term, important, heavily weighted things like essays and finals. However, these people probably were talking about what happens in the final years of your college career. Because right now, you still have a bunch of stuff to do every single stinking day.

Firstly, I recommend that schedule your classes so you only have classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That way you have a whole day in between to get everything done. Plus, Tuesdays and Thursdays are super super boring and they make you look forward to having classes on the other days.

If this isn't possible because your college is cruel and evil, you'll have to learn how to budget your time more constructively. You should try to get as much homework done before dinner, because usually important meetings happen after dinner, and also, sleep is good. Don't be the stereotypical college kid that stays up super late all the time. Plus, you'll probably want the time after dinner to be relaxing and filled with things that don't stress you out.

Also, I recommend doing the easy things first. Because then you'll feel like you're really making progress. For example, if you have four, five minute Spanish things to do, do them right away, and you'll be like, "I just finished four whole things! I can take a break now!" And then you can take a break! Then, after you've adequately rested, you can tackle the harder things. Usually the harder things involve reading long portions of text. These are only hard because they take up so much time. But you won't feel as bad once you've gotten all the menial work out of the way!

If you have essays to write, usually your professor will ask for a rough draft. That is basically a code for, "Please write this essay in 45 minutes so I can see who writes well in a short amount of time." Don't waste a bunch of time on a first draft when you know you're going to have to change a bunch of it anyway. Plus, if you've thoroughly read/researched your topic, you should only need about ten minutes per page. That means a four page essay could be done in 40 minutes. This works especially well for essays where you're supposed to analyze a long book with a specific prompt. Because "specific" actually means "only use this chapter to find your evidence." Then you don't have to go around and hunt through the book for a bajillion different quotes about a bajillion different things.

The only thing you should actually be worried about when it comes to homework is the speaking/presentation aspects of it. If you need to do something memorized, you really do actually need to practice. You should first write out the thing you want to say, because even though it might sound good in your head, the words on the paper sound better out loud. Then you should read the thing in your head. Then you should read it out loud and see how many people look at you like you're a weirdo. Then you should see how far you can get without having to look at the paper. Maybe even hide the paper so you can't cheat, and so you can also see what you would do if you indeed forgot part of your presentation in the middle. Improvisation is a good skill. Also, maybe, if you have friends or people in your classes who tolerate you, you can practice with them. They will tell you all the places you messed up. Don't worry; it's called constructive criticism.

Also, color. Color with crayons. This is the best stress relieving advice for homework ever. Color a cow. Or a turtle. Or maybe a rainbow. Then maybe all you troubles will melt away and you won't even have homework anymore.

Open Letters to a Random Guy, Some Inanimate Objects and Frankenstein's Monster

Dear Fork,
Why are you so pointy? I basically just impaled my hand with your tines. Not to mention that you just came out of the dishwasher, and the metal-y part of you is basically flames. Well, at least my wound is cauterized now.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Bowls,
I think you are my least favorite dishware of all. Your curved angle makes water bounce back into my face all the time. And sometimes you get lasagna in my eyes. I think you're just jealous of you healthily shaped plate family members. Why don't you go get flatted? I'm sure it's not expensive.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Food,
Please stop looking so unappetizing when I have to scrape bits of you off people's plates for three hours a day. I mean, come on. I used to like eggs.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Cereal,
Did you know that you get soggy after sitting in milk for an unspecified length of time? It's unpleasant. Maybe you should stop being made of grains and things that absorb milk. Maybe you should be made of steel. (I don't know. Does steel absorb milk?)
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Random Guy Who Filled a Cup With Syrup, and then Put Cocoa Puffs in the Syrup, and then Tore Up a Napkin and Put it in the Syrup, and then Stirred,
Are you devil spawn? Did you know that napkins can't go down the garbage disposal? Did you know that means I had to spend ridiculous amounts of time picking your napkin out of the syrup? Did you know that while accomplishing this task, I spent most of my brain energy thinking up creative ways to punish your face? Well you know these things now. It's not a threat. It's really not. I'd just sleep with both eyes open from now on.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Frankenstein's Monster,
I understand that you didn't ask to be created. I understand that maybe Victor should take responsibility for creating you as such a weird looking guy. But what I don't understand is why you don't just make a friend for yourself. I mean, you're obviously pretty smart. You learned how to talk and read and write from watching three people through a window. Don't tell me you couldn't figure out how to make for yourself another creature. Although you don't know what the moon is. So maybe not.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Oreos,
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jen

How To: Live in the Arctic

I don't know about you, but I think the Arctic is basically Iowa in October.

I also think I just cut my tongue on an M&M.

But maybe you live in a more mild climate than I do.

It's not actually that cold out, if you go outside. But my dorm building is seriously freezing. I could be wearing four shirts right now, and I probably wouldn't be warm. If I was smart, I'd go to the library to type things and do homework. But my room is nice. And all my pictures of my people are on my desk.

I checked the thermostat in our room today, the thermostat that doesn't let you change anything, but just shows you the temperature, because that's helpful, and it says that this room here is 59 degrees. Fahrenheit, in case you were thinking that route. Why? Why, super old building that doesn't have air conditioning and also apparently heat? Why?

So anyway, in order to survive these frozen conditions, you should always wear a parka. And if you don't have a parka, maybe just wear three sweatshirts and then your normal jacket. And occasionally you should go outside to thaw.

If you have the magical capabilities of being able to have a warm beverage maker in your room, or at easy access to you, you can also make some type of warm thing with which you'll probably burn your tongue off, but at least you'll be warm, gosh darn it!

Or, as I implied I should be doing, you could go to a warm place to work. Try the library! They have to keep it the perfect temperature in there, otherwise people will complain, and no children will come, and they'll have to shut it down for lack of use! (Just kidding. That might be melodramatic.)

I'm going to have to cut this really short, because my fingers are actually getting too stiff to type. I need socks for my hands. That's what mittens are, you say? I beg to differ. Just because I like to argue. That's a lie. I actually hate arguing. Unless it's fake arguing. It just depends. GAH! Okay. I'm going now. If you find me fossilized in an ice berg sometime in the far off future, just know that it wasn't your fault. (Unless it was. Because if it was, I will totally know it was you, and I will haunt your face.)

How To: Random Lectures

You know what the hardest part of college is? Having to pay attention to stuff you would never care about in a million years. Yet somehow, you find yourself taking a class in astrophysics, and apparently you have to go to lectures.

I actually don't have this problem, firstly because my college doesn't offer courses in astrophysics (that I'm aware of), and secondly because my college isn't really big enough to offer lecture classes on a regular basis. I do, however, occasionally have to attend a lecture for my pseudo-English class, as I so endearingly call it to people outside my college circle who may or may not know what Paideia means. And when this happens, I wonder how people can possibly survive these things on a daily basis.

I'd like to point out that my pseudo-English class usually is held in a small classroom with 15 other students like myself, although varying just slightly enough to where we have a kid who compared Frankenstein's monster to a chicken nugget. It's supposed to be a discussion class in which we discuss the answer to the question, "What does it mean to be human?" by reading various books and primary sources. Sounds like your basic English class. But alas! It is a pseudo-English. (Honestly, I just like the prefix pseudo.) Anyway.

And so when we start a new reading, we have to go a lecture. All the students who have the class at the same time gather in our largest lecture hall which, if I remember correctly holds about 150. And then they talk to us for an hour. Surviving can be a challenge.

I first recommend that you don't take notes at all. Because note-taking can be very distracting. You can listen more thoroughly if you don't try to write down what the professor is saying and what the powerpoint is saying and what you are thinking. That's just too much multitasking for even the brightest of the people. (And who invented powerpoint anyway? Their thought process must be like this: "Ooh! Let me put words on a screen, the same words that I'm going to be saying, but when I say them, I'll alter them just slightly enough to make the students wonder which version of events I actually meant to emphasize." Stupid powerpoint. We should just stick to chalk. Except it gets your hands all dusty.)

When you've decided to not take notes, you should still keep your notebook out, because you don't want to start a non-note-taker revolution at your school. Other kids who are still under the delusion that some time in the future they may look back at their notes and find something of value other than a random scribble are (highly confused, yes, but also) still in the optimistic phase of their schooling careers. Maybe you can doodle a little bit. I actually think doodling stimulates the mind. Maybe doodle a cow. Or a turtle. Or a turtle riding on a cow. Or a turtle wearing socks and riding on a cow. But that just may be too complicated if you're not considering being an art major, and you should probably just stick to flowers and suns.

Sometimes, even if it's the most horrible thing in the world, you should look at the professor who is giving the lecture. Otherwise, it's easy to completely lose track of the point. Actually, by this time, you've probably lost track of the point so far that you can't even remember why you're still sitting in the chair.

After you lose all sense of purpose, you should doodle on your hand. I advise stick people on each of your fingers because then you can wiggle them around and have a pretend family. And if you're extra skillful/ambidextrous (OH MY GOODNESS, I TOTALLY SPELLED THAT WORD RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY NOTHING THIS AMAZING HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER) you can even have two families of people, one on each hand, and then you can have a whole story! Maybe they're feuding like Romeo and Juliet (of which I don't actually know the story because my English teacher never let us read it, but only made us watch a creepy 1960s version of the movie), or maybe they're best friends, or maybe the parents are going insane because the children want a pet giraffe. Basically, the stick-person-finger-world is open for you to explore. (Also, I honestly just like hyphenating random things. (And I didn't spell hyphenating correctly on the first try. (Thank goodness for spell check.))) (That was totally three parentheses all mashed together. Is that a skill?)

If you do draw on your hand, maybe you should make sure you're either not sitting by anyone who is likely to take a picture of your strangeness and post it on social media, OR you should sit by someone who you don't care if they're likely to take a picture of your strangeness and post it on social media. Probably the first thing is more likely, but good news world! I definitely kind of sat by someone who I wouldn't care if they took a picture of my strangeness and posted it on social media. That's basically like almost having an almost friend.

And when a lecture is over, apparently it's common courtesy to clap for the professor speaker guy? I don't know. (I definitely just spelled courtesy so wrong that spell check didn't have any suggestions for me. All my excitement over that one word is basically gone.) I just hope that one day people clap for me for doing my job. That would be great.

The hardest part, probably, is leaving the lecture hall. Because you might get stampled. That's a mix of the words "stomped" and "trampled". So be careful walking down the stairs. And don't push people. Pushing is for kindergarten. "And in kindergarten, we share everything!" Sorry. That was a reference for my brother. If he read my blog. Which he doesn't. Loser.

Wow. I'm really on a lot of tangents today. Holy moly. I actually just thought of changing the title to, "How To: Random Lectures--Emphasis on the Random, but not on the Lectures" because of how weird this is. But I won't. Because that's too long. You're welcome.

Then you should probably wash off your lovely finger family, especially if you have other places to be. Because it's going to be hard to explain that one.

How To: Question Your Life

Apparently, college is a place where the world makes you wonder what the heck you're doing with your life. Perhaps you just don't know what you want to do in the first place, and if this is the case, you might even be better off than some of your dead-set-on-a-profession peers. But still. It can be a struggle when everything you thought you knew is turned upside down and backwards, and your college years seem like they're trickling away like sand in a highly unforgiving hourglass. (Don't worry, they're actually probably not. You still have a lot of time.)

Given this feeling, it's normal to question if the things you see yourself doing in the future are good enough or important enough. It's necessary, however, to do these mid-second-month-of-college crises in a logical and rational way. Don't just jump overboard on the whole college thing yet. Because even if it feels like you might face plant on the ground, given the right circumstances, you can actually recall why it is you wanted to what you want to do in the first place.

Since this is my blog, after all, I get to write my own personal anecdotes about myself. Because bloggers are always selfish and have a narrow, narcissistic view of the world. Of course. I don't know. Maybe they don't. I can't remember. Anyway, let me tell you my worries.

First of all, I want to be a teacher. Sometimes, if people are feeling generous, they call this a "noble calling." But most times, I just get strange looks and people asking me, "Why do you want to waste your talent on something like that? No one respects teachers." And this is where the whole entire self-questioning problem begins.

I could go in to detail about the American education system, and how much it leaves to be desired, and how teachers are forced to teach to the test, and how kids are left behind, not because they struggle, but because they excel, but I won't. There are so many things I want to change, so many things that I want to improve, because the thing that I care about most are the kids. Kids like me, who maybe wouldn't have even known how to read unless some caring individual decided I was worth it, and now I get to go to college at a selective school (apparently, no guarantees on the selectiveness; I've witnessed some things that ring of middle school here) simply because someone saw the whole me instead of just another kid they have to get through to the next grade so they can start all over with a whole new bunch of kids. I want to be the teachers that I've had. I want to change someone's life. I want to make someone see that they actually can do that thing they've tried so hard to do. But I'm terrified that I can't.

Everyday at college, there's always that new person you meet. And inevitably, you go through the conversation with them, asking where they're from, how they like it here, and of course, what they want to study. And when I tell them I want to teach, almost always I can see the spark in their eye that was there from meeting a new person instantly go out. I'm off the radar of someone they want to know, all because I want to teach. Somewhere along in the line of time in America, people got it into their heads that teachers are the people who can't make it elsewhere in the world. I'll overhear conversations that go like this: "Oh, I really wanted to study [insert random field of math/science], but it was too hard. So maybe I'll go teach." WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?

How can I be expected to have confidence in my career choice when everywhere I turn, people are shooting it down, often without meaning to? It feels like they're basically saying to my face that I've chosen the easiest job there is, that I've taken the easy way out of life. Why is teaching a secondary option to what people really want to do? I don't want to be judged for being a teacher, when, clearly, there is something much more valuable I could be doing with my time.

I don't know. Maybe the people who tell me that teaching is the quick way out have had bad teachers all their lives. Maybe they've never had someone who really believed in them, and who really wanted to help them. And maybe that's because they just keep perpetuating the cycle. They shame people who really want to be teachers, and guess what! You're left with only the bad ones. The good ones care too much to stick around. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop caring. Man. There is not a good solution to this problem.  

But you know what? After my brain runs through these scenarios multiple, multiple times while I'm lying in bed (because of course your brain runs in overdrive right before you try to sleep), I actually think about teaching. And when I do, it's amazing. My entire body freezes up because I want to teach so badly. I get this weirdly giddy smile on my face that just won't leave. Sometimes I giggle a little. I hope I don't wake up my roommate. I think about being in a classroom with kids. I think about telling them stories that will help them learn. I think about all the lessons I want to implement, and all the different ways I can use to reach kids. I think about having that moment when the light just shines upon a student's face because they finally understand. And I want that. I want all of that.

So I can't let go. I won't give up just because some societal norm says that teachers don't get the same hardships as the rest of the world. Maybe people think that because teachers just make it look easy. And good for them. We don't want the people who take the easy way out. We want the people who do it because they giggle creepily in the night because they just can't help but smile at the thought of reaching out to that one kid somewhere who needs them.

Basically, it's okay, and probably good to freak out about the future. But if--when you remember why you wanted to do it in the first place--you can't stop thinking about all the good things, it's probably right for you. Don't let the lamies tell you it's not. They don't know you. I know you. Because you're totally the only one reading this blog.

Sometimes I say I'll move to Norway to teach. Because Norway's educational system is just better, and teachers are valued, and life would be good. But I think I want to change some things here first. Then I'll go to Norway and improve their educational system too.

How To: Stay Up Late

This will actually probably be a list, because there are simply so many steps to staying up late. And also, it's hard to write complete things when it's late.

Note: The things on the list do not have to be done necessarily in the order in which they are presented.

1. Work until 8:30 pm in the dish room
2. Realize that you may have gotten some lasagna on your face
3. Take a shower
4. Make sure the shower you take is at least 45 minutes long, because you're paying $46,000 a year to go to college, so you better get your money's worth out of that unending hot water, GOSH DARN IT
5. Realize you have no clean pajamas left
6. Put on some jeans and hope the air cools off in your room
7. Be hungry, because you ate at 4 o'clock before you went to work, and now it's basically 9:45 pm
8. Eat some crackers and pepperoni because actually cooking something is too hard
9. Realize you still have 59 pages of your book to read for class tomorrow
10. Also realize you still have 5 Spanish homework activities to do before midnight
11. Text with your brother while trying to accomplish said homework activities
12. Realize you actually have no clothes to wear tomorrow, and if you don't do laundry, you might have to wander around campus in your bathrobe
13. Haul all your laundry downstairs only to realize that you have more than one load
14. Realize you have no money left on your laundry card
15. Walk all the way to the place where you can put money on your laundry card and wander around in the dimly lit hallway until you find the magic money sucking machine and hope you brought something other than ones, because apparently the machine doesn't take ones
16. Do two loads of laundry at once
17. Haul all your undone homework and your laptop downstairs to become a laundry room lurker
18. Finish reading
19. Ask your friend for advice on your personal life
20. Give your friend advice on their personal life
21. Finish your Spanish
22. Stalk all your important people on Facebook
23. Haul all your laundry upstairs only to find your roommate sleeping (because, of course, it is midnight and a half) and try to put your clothes away silently and in the dark
24. Stub your toe on some unknown object by your desk and freak out by jumping up and down up and down up and down up and down
25. Crawl into bed
26. Realize you didn't take your contacts out
27. Climb out of bed
28. Take your contacts out
29. Realize you should probably also brush your teeth
30. Try to go back to bed, but don't be able to sleep because you don't want to have weird scary dreams like you usually have
31. Listen to music (specifically all of the five Coldplay albums you have on your iPod)
32. Go for a walk outside
33. Have ears that hurt because the weather systems have decided to change randomly and press upon your inner ear
34. Grab your laptop and sit outside your room so you don't wake up your roommate
35. Write a blog about your skillful ability to stay up late in college

How To: Eat - Part 2

Apparently college students don't like to eat in the cafeteria all the time. Also, apparently some college students have more choices for eating elsewhere than I do. On my campus, there is only one restaurant that is actually part of the college. And there's one little store where you can buy snacks and things like that. So, if I don't want to eat in the cafeteria every day, I have to be a bit creative.

Other people might experience the situation in which they have entire (basically) strip malls full of different types of food that they might purchase. I can't really comment on how to navigate these things, but I assume that they work in much the same way a food establishment would work were you not on the campus of a college. You probably have to pay with money. UNLESS! Unless you have a magic card with magic dollars that lets you pay for things like food as part of your dining plan. Then maybe you don't need money. But you should also be careful that you don't run out of money very quickly That would be sad.

In the event that you live on a tiny little campus like me, OH. I forgot that we have a cafe here too! It's so cute and little and cafe like! Anyway, you should maybe explore your other options in eating. Because after a while, eating the weird pasta and salad and pizza and hamburger and eggs probably gets old. And also, the entree is usually really weird. Like very, very culturally inclusive food. And if you're like me, trying new things is danger. It's literally filled with danger. Like, what if you eat something that you expect to taste like chicken, but it actually tastes like flaming hot chili peppers of death? That could be a thing that happens! Don't try new things!

You should maybe go into the restaurant, even if you look like a weirdie for eating in a restaurant by yourself. You already eat aloe most of the time, why should being in a different place matter? They might have new and delicious food! Although, for sure don't try any of the things you wouldn't normally try, because, again, danger. Or you could go to the cafe and order a cafe like item. Maybe a bagel--except bagels are way worse than the muffins you could be getting were you eating in the cafeteria--or maybe a smoothie or some weirdly smelling chocolate.

If you're feeling truly adventurous, you could even go off campus and walk around the city to see if you can find any local establishments that might offer a variety of nondangerous foods that you could try. Maybe go at a time when there aren't that many people to be strange and frightening, like at not a meal time, because then you'll have to deal with people asking you why you're all alone and if you're alright. Although, maybe the people in your town aren't that friendly. So maybe you could go whenever you want, and no one would ever say anything to you!

If all else fails with regards to finding food, there's always the option to have food stashed in your room. I actually highly recommend this, because there might be days when you feel like the world is out to get you and you should probably just avoid all the people ever. When this happens, food that doesn't require being cooked by someone else is a must. You could have some noodles to cook, assuming you have easy access to a stove. Or maybe some popcorn, assuming you can have access to a microwave. Or, even better, you could have some cheese and crackers and maybe some pepperoni, because eating these doesn't even require leaving your room! Complete and utter avoidance of anyone who may seem strange or disquieting.

And also, you should have some delicious snack foods on hand, because sometimes the desserts in the cafeteria--while they're very nice--just don't cut it. You need more chocolate than that weirdly vanilla pudding provided. Or maybe people think rice crispie bars are a suitable substitute for real dessert. Those people are sadly mistaken, and should probably be summoned for some sort of undetermined consultation. Make sure you can make up for it with some extra cookies or M&Ms that you have hidden from prying eyes and fingers.

Remember, eating is the most important thing you can do with your life. Don't waste it on mushy pasta. Because no one wants mushy pasta. Who even decided to make that? I don't understand.

How To: Recreation

You know what the next most important thing besides eating things is? Having fun. Of course. Because who needs to go to college to learn? However, I will acknowledge that sometimes being socially impaired means you don't go out very much. But maybe you should just not go out very much with friends-slash-random people who you barely know.

You can have plenty of fun just going out and doing the things you enjoy. If your campus puts on events, see how many you can go to. In fact, it's probably more fun to go alone than with people, because then the weirdies won't want to talk to you through the whole show or performance, and you can relax and enjoy in peace!

Or, because you're the learning type, go to all the lectures the college hosts. Usually, people who give lectures at colleges are very good at what they do, or else they would get fired. And they would have a horrible reputation that insults the very meaning of being a lecturer. Plus, sometimes the speeches they give are even inspiring, and maybe you can incorporate the things the person said into one of your papers that you will eventually have to write once your professors finally figure out that by freshmen, it doesn't mean you're still in high school. And using things you heard in a lecture is a good way to impress your instructors. They'll give you extra nonredeemable brownie points, and maybe never call on you in class.

Of course, there are ways to have fun without having to go to stuff. Usually, I enjoy taking a walk, but perhaps your campus or city isn't suited for walking. In that case, you should go exploring! It's way different from walking because you actually try to find stuff, not just wander aimlessly like you have no purpose. Even though we all know you have a purpose, which is walking. Maybe you'll encounter a dove, or a tortoise, or a walking, talking fire hydrant. Maybe you'll be a key witness to a crime that no one else saw, and they'll call you down to court to testify, and you'll get paid your measly $12 for an undetermined length of time, and then you'll be famous. Unless the jury gets it wrong. Then you should probably enter the witness protection program.

Or read. Reading is a wonderful way to escape the weirdness that is college. I claim a seat in the library on the quiet floor that's right under the plaque of one Ms. Diderikke Brandt, which is only a problem when a random kid decided to STEAL your lovely claimed spot and sit there for a very, very long time while you can no longer concentrate on what's supposed to be happening because you're focusing on the thief. The evil, cruel, vile thief. Okay. He's probably not that bad. But the whole not being able to concentrate thing is. Maybe you should be more flexible with your choice of seating.

Sometimes, you should just pick a book at random, and then see how far you can get through it before you just want to throw it out the window. Hint: Don't randomly choose The Scholarly Journal of the Science Council, Vols. 1-78 because you're just asking to lose your battle with boredom right there.

On the off chance that maybe you do have someone you want to hang out with, you could invite them over, and sit, and talk about your lives. Maybe normal people don't do that. Maybe that's why friends are hard.... Or you could watch a movie, maybe, if someone has a TV in their room. Because that could be fun. Or maybe you could go for a walk together. That could be fun too! Walks are good for your health and your fun level!!

Be careful you don't strain your fun muscles. Because then what are you going to do? Take it easy with recreation, because you never know what recreation could lead to. Maybe you decide to climb a tree that you see while walking/adventuring, and you bring your book up there to read, but when you get up to the top, there are angry squirrels, and they pelt you with acorns, and you fall out of the tree while trying to shield yourself from shrapnel. Maybe that happens. And you were trying to do was have some fun.

And remember: No dying allowed.

On Contemplating Pigeons--And Why We Should Continue Loving the Little Things

Everyday at breakfast, being the loner I am, I sit by myself at a table close to the window. The table itself is usually empty of anyone but myself, although occasionally, another loner persona sits at the other end and chows down upon their oatmeal, because definitely loners eat oatmeal. There is no other meal suitable for stimulating the loner brain.

And everyday, staring out the window, I am privileged to watch a gigantic flock of pigeons. I might even call them a family. They swoop in the most graceful way I have ever seen. Not a one gets lost or separated from the group. I don't know how they can turn with such precision. I probably could read about the physiology of pigeons on the internet, but I am content to sit in wonder. Sometimes they land on the balcony that overlooks the field upon which my campus is set. This is probably the most amazing part to me. They one by one dive off the ledge, vanishing for just a moment before the swoop off into the distance. As soon as the one reappears, another takes the same plunge. It's a choreographed act that is incredible.

Soon, they are all back in one group. Back as a family.

Yet, what amazes me even more than these pigeons is that I am the only one who seems to notice. There are other people eating at the same time. They're facing the same window, looking at the same field, but all they see is the television on the wall. No one but me seems awed by these birds. Maybe they all know how the birds can stay in the same group, turning as if they were one whole mechanism, but I doubt it. Why don't they notice? Why don't the little things matter to anyone but me?

Is it because once you have found your group, you no longer do your own thinking? You have your friends, your peers. You can bounce ideas off them, you don't have to make decisions or choices on your own anymore. But are people surrounding you holding you back from seeing the things that make life so beautiful in the first place? If all you do is talk about menial things with this group of people you call friends, is that even living? What if you stopped to ask each other about the birds? What if--maybe for just one morning--you ate in silence, with your mouths hanging open, gazing at the awesomeness that are these birds? What if you shared your little moments with your people? Wouldn't that be more enriching than watching the football statistics while cramming eggs down your throat?

Don't get me wrong here. I'm all about having friends. Friends are amazing. I probably wouldn't even be here if it weren't for some of the friends I've made in life. But I'm saying that if having friends is making your forget that there are other things that should be seen or heard or felt or enjoyed, maybe you need to learn how to look past those faces and reconnect with the moments.

Moments make life happy. You can look back in your past and pick a memory, any memory, and when you think about it, all you've really done is turn a moment into a scene. The scene is frozen in time. Maybe it's Christmas when you were little, or when a sibling could first realize what being a sister or brother meant. In your head, you've made a big deal out of what in reality was just one moment.

Most importantly, you need to share those moments. That's what humans do. They tell stories. Stories are just a conglomeration of moments. That's why we have friends. Because they enjoy hearing our stories about pigeons. And maybe you can show them the pigeons too. Then you have a shared moment. And a bond. Moments make bonds.

Today is an important day for me. Today is when--four years ago--a series of moments came together and culminated in making me who I am today. Today is the day to celebrate moments. It's the day to celebrate the people who've shared those moments, who've made those moments better for you. You should celebrate the happiness you've felt, and rejoice in the sadness that made the happy moments just that much sweeter. Celebrate the moments that brought you to where you are. Without moments, you're just living because it's something you have to do. So maybe a pigeon won't change your life. But maybe it's something else that will, and you wouldn't have noticed it without looking for moments.

And make today the day that you tell the people you love that you love them. You never know what kind of moments might happen tomorrow.

How To: Survive Major Disappointment

So, as you might see from the title, this post may not be as upbeat and uplifting as previous posts, because it deals with major disappointment. Apparently college is not a place where everything that you ever wanted happens with no metaphorical trees falling in your metaphorical river and metaphorically blocking the metaphorical flow of your metaphorical river that is metaphorically your college experience. Yeah. That doesn't get to happen.

So, when you first discover that something that you were so excited about is not going to be possible, you should probably cry. Crying is probably proven somewhere by some scientists or something to relieve stress and be cathartic to your general person. Plus, if you happen to cry in public, maybe some kind soul will come over and comfort you, but for your sake, I might advise holding it in until you get back to your room or possibly a bathroom where you can sob in private.

This might be easier to understand with an example. You see, eating is something everyone experiences, and so is laundry and class and all those other things. But major disappointment, maybe that hasn't happened to you yet. Let me give you this example:

Imagine that you wanted to be a teacher. And as a requirement for teaching, you have to take a four week class in January in which you go into a public school classroom and observe and generally assist the teacher in teacher-ly activities. And say, perhaps, that the opportunity to go to New Mexico and help with teachers who teach mainly Hispanic and Native American kids was presented to you, and you would get to visit reservations and reach out to kids who probably don't get a lot of attention or help or general social interaction, which would be the best experience ever, because perhaps you want to be a Spanish teacher, and maybe teach ESL, and maybe get experience in special education, and this opportunity would for sure be one of the best things that ever happened to you.

Then pretend that they said, "This class will cost upward of $2,000, because college isn't expensive enough already, and don't forget that you'll still be paying tuition to the college, and room and board, even though you won't be living or eating there, and also, you have to pay for your own food, because we like to hope that you starve." Yeah. Imagine if they said that. And it basically quashed your hopes for that cool thing you wanted to do.

So anyway. Pretend this happened to you. Or that maybe something more pertaining to what you actually want to do was stolen from your grasp. Crying. Then you should probably call your parents and vent to them a little bit, because they probably feel bad that life is so expensive, even if they can't do anything about it.

Then you should for sure write an angry blog post about how the college institution is only made for people who are already insanely rich and could probably go anywhere they want to because their parents grow money on trees, and anyone who is under that bar has to suffer by both working insanely a lot and not going on trips to anywhere. Or if you don't have a blog, just write with a giant black marker in the most messy way you possibly can, getting all the angry feelings out of your mind and heart.

And then you should eat. I recommend chocolate. I have some Mega M&Ms here on my desk. I'd share, but you're a little far away. And also, it's chocolate. I don't share that.

Also, don't forget to drink lots of water, because if you cried like you were supposed to, you lost all your water and fluids and now it's getting weird, so just drink water.

Then, after you've gone through this horrible grieving process, you should definitely look for scholarships or things that like to give poor students money to get important life experiences, because even if it's not for sure that you can do your important thing, you should at least try. Because giving up is the way that the major disappointment actually probably damages you. And also, giving up is like not eating the desserts they give you for dinner. And it makes you a loser. Don't be a loser. Be a loser who tried everything they possibly could to kill the major disappointment (note: metaphorically killing, because my moral compass on which I base my life is entirely against killing anyone or anything, except for when I eat meat, because I do like my hamburgers, and feel free to yell at me about being a hypocrite, because I haven't figured that one out in my brain yet either) before it took over and was like, "Look at me and look at you, who do you think can't tie their shoe?" And then you punch it in the face and try again tomorrow.

Be that kind of loser.

How To: Parents

You've probably dealt with your parents for 18+ years of your life. But now, it's different. You technically live on your own and they're only supposed to guide you, not make big, important life choices for you. You have decide when it's appropriate to go see the doctor. You have to decide if you should eat that thing you really want to eat. You have to decide who your friends are and how late you're going to stay out and who you're going to be displeased with, all without the help of your parents. It's called growing.

Usually, I try to call my parents once a week. But sometimes, more often than not, it ends up being twice or three times a week. I think it's probably because I miss them, but also, it's because there's just so much going on at college that I need to tell them everything! But don't call them every single day. College is supposed to be about separation, to a degree. It's supposed to be about thinking and learning and acting independently. Because if it wasn't, we wouldn't need to pay thousands of dollars to live in a hall with a bunch of other people who smell weird. (No offense to the nice smelling ones.)

One of the best things is when parents come to visit!! Because they bring you stuff. They should both bring you the things you've forgotten at home since you left, which if we're being honest is probably a lot, and also food. Basically, bring a college kid food means you've won them over for life. They will never forget you or your face.

But after they bring you stuff, sometimes it's hard to know what to do with your parents while they visit. Sometimes they argue, which is definitely something you don't miss about them, because they argue right in front of you about which way they should go to get back to the college, even though you know exactly where it is an they should just ask you, and they also know that confrontation literally gives you panic attacks, but they do it anyway. But that might not apply to you. But parents are often stressed when they come to visit their child at college. They worry that their child won't need them anymore. They're worried about what they'll find after leaving you in a strange environment for three or four weeks. They're worried you might have gotten your tongue pierced.

Of course, eventually (hopefully) the arguing dies down, and then you can have nice, relaxed conversations. This is the fun part! They'll tell you all about what's happening at home, and you tell them all the things you've never mentioned on the phone. It's a great exchange of ideas! Or something. Maybe not ideas.

And most importantly, they might take you to eat food. Food that isn't cafeteria food. Like I said before, food is the way to any college student's heart. They will love you forever.

You should try and give them a tour around campus. Because it's really a lot more fun to be a college kid on campus with a parent when you know where you're going versus when you were a prospective college kid on campus with a parent where you have no clue where you're going. You can laugh at all the touring children, believing you're so much better off than them, because you've been here for three whole weeks now, and you know everything, and they know nothing except that maybe a sidewalk will bring them to their car, somewhere. And you should always point and cackle. Evilly.

When your parents leave, you might be sad. But you might also be a little bit relieved because parents can be exhausting. It's important to know that both of these emotions are important, and you should embrace both of them, but you should focus on the relief you feel, because relief means adjustment. If you're like me, which you probably are, if you're still here reading this blog, this might be the first sign you have that you're doing okay at college.

Because college is good. And you won't die. No dying allowed. The end.

How To: Work

After that brief hiatus in which I went insane and confused your brain, it's time to get back down to the real world! The world of work. And adults will so often tell you that work is the real world. Except you're probably an adult now, too. I know I'm an adult. And what does that mean? It means you get to start determining what is and is not the real world for you. Unfortunately, at this point in your life, it probably means school. And homework. And having to do horrible things for horribly long amounts of time. But also, it possibly means that you have to get a job.

Now, I will concede that my area of knowledge on this subject is smaller than I would like it to be. You see, I only have one job, and it would be difficult for me to comment on other people's jobs if I have not experienced them. So, right now, fair warning: If you have a job that is something other than serving people or washing dishes, I will offer no valuable insight into those things. I will, however, offer humorous anecdotes about having to wash dishes for seven hours a week. So stick around if you like humor. Or even if you don't like humor. You might learn to crack a smile.

Firstly, if you're like me, you've simply been assigned a job because you're too poor to fully pay for college, and apparently, you get to assist your way through financial difficulty by working ten hours a week, not including any class or studying or free time you may want. So there really isn't any way of getting out of this job, because if you quit, you have to pay a couple thousand more dollars. So try not to do that.

Of course, getting to work is one of the hardest parts. Colleges like to schedule freshman at the most inconvenient shifts ever, because upperclassmen get priorities. It may not seem fair, but it's just like tenure for teachers. But that's another story. Anyway, if you have to drag yourself out of bed at 6:15 am because you work at 6:45, the only trouble you will have is actually getting up. You'll hit the snooze button on your alarm like six times, because you set it to only snooze for a minute, and then you'll cautiously roll out of bed on to the cold, hard ground, cursing the world for your lowly status as a freshman.

But don't worry, you'll get over it.

Once you arrive at work, apparently there's some sort of uniform that you have to put on? Because they like all the workers to look like they didn't just curse the world, and that they are in fact prepared to serve the students of the college the best breakfast/lunch/dinner they've ever had.

One of the second hardest parts of having a serving job is having to deal with people. While some college students probably enjoy having classes at 8 am, most do not. So they're just as crabby as you would be were you not wearing a uniform specifically designed to be anti-crab. And they glare and hiss and wrinkle their noses like cute little bunny rabbits except they're actually football players so it's weird, and you just have to take it. Smile. Stare at them directly in the eye sockets (AKA: make eye contact), and be polite. Always say, "Good morning," even if they say directly back, "No it's not." Because maybe you'll be the only person they talk to all day. Make them happy.

One perk of serving people is that you can silently judge them in you head. Judge them about what they eat, how much they eat, how they speak so quietly you can't even hear them, how often they come back to get more food. You can even play games! Count how many people you know the names of! Count how many people call you creepily by your name which they only know because you have to wear a name tag as part of your extra-happiness uniform. What ever you do, don't let them see your fear.

Fear comes when you have to switch old food out for new food. Because inevitably, the line will get backed up just as you step away from the serving counter. And then people have to wait. And then they get angry. And then they glare and hiss and.... yeah. You know the drill.

The other part of food service comes when you have to wash the dishes. This is almost better than serving because you don't have to talk to any angry customers. All you have to do is be angry at the customers. Because people GOSH DARN DON'T KNOW HOW TO FREAKING READ A STINKING SIGN ABOUT WHERE TO PUT THEIR SILVERWARE, GOSH DARN IT. But I digress.

Dish washing is the--I hesitate to say fun--part of your job, because the judgement doesn't have to be so internal. You can totally laugh to your co-workers about the person who drank Powerade for breakfast. Or the person who put gravy on their waffles. Or the person who evidently hated their biology class so much, they felt the need to throw their textbook on the conveyor belt with all the dirty dishes. These judgments should definitely be said out loud. Plus: bonus bonding with your newly formed friends because the horrors of dried lasagna is too much to bare alone.

Always be kind to the people who give you your food. And the people who clean your food when you're finished. You never know what kind of tricks they're willing to play after three and a half hours of almost torture.  

How To: Blog (ish)

Firstly, you always start your posts with the word "firstly". Then, you always write your next sentence beginning with the word "then". Then, you dehumanize the people you hate, because your readers presumably are people like you, and therefore presumably hate the same people you hate, and this is called building a bonding relationship. And maybe if more than one person reads your blog on a regular basis, you can build up a following that will eventually turn into a cult. (Just kidding. Cults are bad. Don't join cults. Man, unless it happens to be a turtle cult. Even I couldn't say no to a turtle cult. They'd be so cool and strutting around with their shells, being all, "Hey. You can't see me because I'm hiding in my shell, and this is how I avoid people who are stupid." But, really. Don't join cults.)

Then-ly, (is that a word? It should be) you have to actually have some structure to your blog. You probably shouldn't just rant about turtles and socks and Spanish all day long. People/your one reader might get bored, and they might move on to a new, and more exciting blog, with more content, and more awesomeness.

Third-ish, (again, if it's not a word, let's call Webster) I actually have no real, legitimate advice to give to you today. I'm ridiculously tired. And also, I've taken like six Advil because I fell down the stairs yesterday. And I don't like taking Advil for two reasons. 1. I have a really hard time swallowing pills and things, so usually I drink like six gallons of water for every two pills (that's probably an exaggeration, no one knows), and 2. It makes me really weird. Okay, weirder than normal. Like my brain is on hyperdrive! And I can type at super speed! Like the Hulk! Or Iron Man! I don't know if they can type at super speed. And I don't even like the Hulk. He looks like a brick that turned into a person that rolled around in some grass and then turned back into a brick, but just like occasionally in Harry Potter, the transformation didn't go so well, and he ended up half-brick, half-human.

My legs feel like death. Well, I guess not right now, because (see above) Advil. But when it wears off, I can't even walk up the stairs. Good thing my building doesn't have an elevator. Good thing I live on the fourth floor. But don't worry, dear, dear people who care so much about my health and well-being. Apparently I'll be fine if I stop walking up and down the stairs.

You might be asking, why did you fall down the stairs?! What the heck were you thinking?! And those would both be fair questions. However, if I tell you what actually did happen, you'd think I was completely incompetent at walking and thinking. Especially when engaging in both activities simultaneously.

Okay. Fine. You've convinced me. I was walking out of a meeting, a meeting that happened to be in a building I'd never been in before. And buildings are some of the most confusing things I've ever happened to encounter in my life. You go in one door, and then you go out the same door, and everything looks like it's been moved in the twenty-four minutes you've been inside! So I was looking around, trying to find out how to get back to my room, and I was looking up, not down. But in doing so, there were apparently four stairs on the path, and I didn't see them. Wow. Good job, self. I pretended I could fly, except the ending did not work as well as I would have hoped had I actually been pretending I could fly of my own volition. And also, concrete is hard.

So there. Judge me. I guess maybe that could be the lesson for today! Learn how to fall down the stairs and still be able to walk and talk and sometimes form coherent phrases together so people might want to read about the adventures of falling down the stairs at college! That's too long of a title. We'll stick with How To: Blog. And maybe we'll add a little something.

There. How To: Blog (ish)

Don't let your injuries stop you from doing what you love/what you feel obligated to do/what you hate! Time will heal all things, except the dinosaurs. Pretty sure those are never coming back. And actually, you should occasionally pretend you're a dinosaur, just to relive your past, when you were a dinosaur. Evolution treated you well, my friend

How To: Mail

So, one of the most exciting parts of your college career most likely will be receiving mail. Mail from your parents (which might/usually contain(s) food), mail from your grandparents (which might/usually contain(s) money), or mail from your friends at other colleges (which for sure contains love!). Ha. That was cheesy. But true.

And be honest with yourself. You like getting mail a lot more than you're willing to probably admit. Because it's so old fashioned, man! Wouldn't it just be easier to email someone, or Facebook them, or Twitter them, or Skype them? But mail means someone actually took time out of their (probably) very busy life to just think about you. It takes so much longer to write out a letter.

Hence, my first advice is to actually write letters to people. They will love you even more than they already do. You do have free time college, even if you like to pretend that you don't. Just sit down and address something like this:

Dear Bestest Friend,

I hope you have the greatest day in the world because you're my bestest friend and when you're happy, I'm happy. My day is going great. Let me tell you about the 16,000,000,000 squirrels that live in the trees around our campus. And let me tell you about my horrible/wonderful classes. How is your life at college going? Is it exciting? I hope so!

Love, Your Bestest Friend

It's really not that hard. AND! If you mail things to people, they'll feel more inclined to mail stuff back to you! It's a little bit of a self-serving action.

The hard part comes, however, when you actually need to send your mail. First, I recommend knowing exactly where the post office in your school is located. Otherwise, you might mistakenly think that it's in a different building than it actually is, and you'll awkwardly wander around the three floors trying to find a post office that isn't there, and you'll look like a clueless freshman, which is one of the main things I'm trying to alleviate here. Clueless freshmen should not look like clueless freshmen ever. 

Once you've found the post office, make sure you put the letter in the correct box. There are actually different slots for mail. For example, don't put your letter to your grandma in the box marked, "On Campus Mail Only." Because then it's doubtful that you letter will ever make it to Grandma. Plus, the letter people will then be able to laugh at you because you thought your grandma lived on campus. 

Retrieving your mail is another hassle that must be overcome. You need to know how to unlock your mailbox, be it with a key or a combination. Keys might be easier, but then you of course have to be sure that you haven't left your key in your room, because then you have to run all the way back, and of course, you look pretty silly standing in the post office searching through your bag. If you have a combination, it's very important that you know exactly what said combination is. If you don't, you'll be standing at the mailbox for a very long, awkward and inconvenient time. I'm all about promoting anti-awkwardness here. If you do indeed forget what your combination is, you'll probably have to go talk to the scary mail secretary. And he/she will probably judge you in his/her head. But at the very least, you'll eventually get your mail. Let's hope it's not something lame, like a shoelace from your brother. All that work for basically nothing. 

If you get a package, you'll also probably have to talk to the secretary. This is less terrifying, because everyone who gets a package has to speak with them. But still. Human contact is always dangerous, and you should take precautions, such as wearing your lucky socks on the day you are going to find your box of food. Socks truly can make all the difference. 

Don't forget the most important thing is to send your own letters! Otherwise, no one will feel inclined to send anything back to you, and you'll be lonely. Lonely isn't any fun. Don't be lonely. Send mail. Have friends.