How To: Monopoly

No, no. Don't worry. This isn't how to economically take over the world by owning every single thing that anyone in the world would want, therefore making it so you are the only one who makes money off of anything. That would be cool. However, I do not possess this skill, the one of taking over the world, so I feel unqualified to speak on it. But. We will talk about something much better. Something much more intense. Something... something essential to life itself. Monopoly: The Game.

I SEE YOU SITTING THERE SHAKING YOUR HEAD AT ME LIKE I AM INSANE AND THIS IS NOT TRUE. I AM NOT INSANE. I AM ABOUT TO TEACH YOU THE BEST THING YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EVER. SKILLS. A VERY IMPORTANT SET OF SKILLS. MONOPOLY SKILLS.

First, you should set up a slightly different set of rules than the ones the game provides for you. For example, you should be able to buy houses whenever you want. Provided you own the property, of course. But this makes the game go much faster, because Monopoly does take a long time to play. Unless you have skills. Which I am about to teach you. Anyway. You should also implement the rule that if you are in jail, you are not allowed to speak. This saves the person in jail a lot of their voice, because then they don't have to whine about being in jail for three turns. Also, you should put all the house buying money, and any money that you normally pay to the bank (aside from buying properties) into the free parking, so that when someone lands on free parking, the rest of the players have a common bond in hating the person who has just gained a ton of free money.

Now, if you're like my family, you have four (at least) different versions of this game. However, our "real" version has become hard to play, because some certain, unnamed small children lost all the houses and hotels. So usually we play the electronic version that uses credit cards.

Here is my advice: Always be the banker. Because the banker is basically in charge. And with credit cards, it's slightly easy to cheat. No one can count their money, and no one knows how much money they have unless you tell them (unless they're a weirdie and keep meticulous track of their monetary gains and losses.) People probably won't notice a thousand dollars missing here or there. Except, I have to recommend not cheating until you've earned the trust of your other players. And even then I recommend not cheating at all. I'm just saying it's possible.

Then, you should always buy the railroads. But only if you can get all of them. Trade whatever you have to to get them from the others. The railroads will be most valuable to you. Most valuable. Then, buy the orange and red properties. And put as many houses and hotels on them as you can. Try to never buy the blue ones, the super expensive ones, because no one ever lands on those. Because blue is a lame color. From there, work your way down the cheapest properties. My dad calls this being a slum lord. I call it strategy.

Eventually, this game becomes a test of seeing who can stand being bored the longest. Eventually, a small child will quit, and your opponents will dwindle. Eventually, even if you don't win by winning, you win by everyone else leaving the game. The test of not losing all of your money, even if you have to give up all your properties, and staying in the game until everyone else has QUIT QUIT QUIT will make you the sole victor of Monopoly.

Because you know what they say: Quitters never win, but they sure do make it easier for ME, THE ULTIMATE MONOPOLY PLAYER, TO DOMINATE THE GAME AND POSSIBLY THE WORLD. (Not with economics, though. I have a different world domination plan. (That I won't share with you.))