Open Letters to a Random Guy, Some Inanimate Objects and Frankenstein's Monster

Dear Fork,
Why are you so pointy? I basically just impaled my hand with your tines. Not to mention that you just came out of the dishwasher, and the metal-y part of you is basically flames. Well, at least my wound is cauterized now.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Bowls,
I think you are my least favorite dishware of all. Your curved angle makes water bounce back into my face all the time. And sometimes you get lasagna in my eyes. I think you're just jealous of you healthily shaped plate family members. Why don't you go get flatted? I'm sure it's not expensive.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Food,
Please stop looking so unappetizing when I have to scrape bits of you off people's plates for three hours a day. I mean, come on. I used to like eggs.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Cereal,
Did you know that you get soggy after sitting in milk for an unspecified length of time? It's unpleasant. Maybe you should stop being made of grains and things that absorb milk. Maybe you should be made of steel. (I don't know. Does steel absorb milk?)
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Random Guy Who Filled a Cup With Syrup, and then Put Cocoa Puffs in the Syrup, and then Tore Up a Napkin and Put it in the Syrup, and then Stirred,
Are you devil spawn? Did you know that napkins can't go down the garbage disposal? Did you know that means I had to spend ridiculous amounts of time picking your napkin out of the syrup? Did you know that while accomplishing this task, I spent most of my brain energy thinking up creative ways to punish your face? Well you know these things now. It's not a threat. It's really not. I'd just sleep with both eyes open from now on.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Frankenstein's Monster,
I understand that you didn't ask to be created. I understand that maybe Victor should take responsibility for creating you as such a weird looking guy. But what I don't understand is why you don't just make a friend for yourself. I mean, you're obviously pretty smart. You learned how to talk and read and write from watching three people through a window. Don't tell me you couldn't figure out how to make for yourself another creature. Although you don't know what the moon is. So maybe not.
Sincerely,
Jen

Dear Oreos,
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jen