Apparently, college is a place where the world makes you wonder what the heck you're doing with your life. Perhaps you just don't know what you want to do in the first place, and if this is the case, you might even be better off than some of your dead-set-on-a-profession peers. But still. It can be a struggle when everything you thought you knew is turned upside down and backwards, and your college years seem like they're trickling away like sand in a highly unforgiving hourglass. (Don't worry, they're actually probably not. You still have a lot of time.)
Given this feeling, it's normal to question if the things you see yourself doing in the future are good enough or important enough. It's necessary, however, to do these mid-second-month-of-college crises in a logical and rational way. Don't just jump overboard on the whole college thing yet. Because even if it feels like you might face plant on the ground, given the right circumstances, you can actually recall why it is you wanted to what you want to do in the first place.
Since this is my blog, after all, I get to write my own personal anecdotes about myself. Because bloggers are always selfish and have a narrow, narcissistic view of the world. Of course. I don't know. Maybe they don't. I can't remember. Anyway, let me tell you my worries.
First of all, I want to be a teacher. Sometimes, if people are feeling generous, they call this a "noble calling." But most times, I just get strange looks and people asking me, "Why do you want to waste your talent on something like that? No one respects teachers." And this is where the whole entire self-questioning problem begins.
I could go in to detail about the American education system, and how much it leaves to be desired, and how teachers are forced to teach to the test, and how kids are left behind, not because they struggle, but because they excel, but I won't. There are so many things I want to change, so many things that I want to improve, because the thing that I care about most are the kids. Kids like me, who maybe wouldn't have even known how to read unless some caring individual decided I was worth it, and now I get to go to college at a selective school (apparently, no guarantees on the selectiveness; I've witnessed some things that ring of middle school here) simply because someone saw the whole me instead of just another kid they have to get through to the next grade so they can start all over with a whole new bunch of kids. I want to be the teachers that I've had. I want to change someone's life. I want to make someone see that they actually can do that thing they've tried so hard to do. But I'm terrified that I can't.
Everyday at college, there's always that new person you meet. And inevitably, you go through the conversation with them, asking where they're from, how they like it here, and of course, what they want to study. And when I tell them I want to teach, almost always I can see the spark in their eye that was there from meeting a new person instantly go out. I'm off the radar of someone they want to know, all because I want to teach. Somewhere along in the line of time in America, people got it into their heads that teachers are the people who can't make it elsewhere in the world. I'll overhear conversations that go like this: "Oh, I really wanted to study [insert random field of math/science], but it was too hard. So maybe I'll go teach." WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?
How can I be expected to have confidence in my career choice when everywhere I turn, people are shooting it down, often without meaning to? It feels like they're basically saying to my face that I've chosen the easiest job there is, that I've taken the easy way out of life. Why is teaching a secondary option to what people really want to do? I don't want to be judged for being a teacher, when, clearly, there is something much more valuable I could be doing with my time.
I don't know. Maybe the people who tell me that teaching is the quick way out have had bad teachers all their lives. Maybe they've never had someone who really believed in them, and who really wanted to help them. And maybe that's because they just keep perpetuating the cycle. They shame people who really want to be teachers, and guess what! You're left with only the bad ones. The good ones care too much to stick around. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop caring. Man. There is not a good solution to this problem.
But you know what? After my brain runs through these scenarios multiple, multiple times while I'm lying in bed (because of course your brain runs in overdrive right before you try to sleep), I actually think about teaching. And when I do, it's amazing. My entire body freezes up because I want to teach so badly. I get this weirdly giddy smile on my face that just won't leave. Sometimes I giggle a little. I hope I don't wake up my roommate. I think about being in a classroom with kids. I think about telling them stories that will help them learn. I think about all the lessons I want to implement, and all the different ways I can use to reach kids. I think about having that moment when the light just shines upon a student's face because they finally understand. And I want that. I want all of that.
So I can't let go. I won't give up just because some societal norm says that teachers don't get the same hardships as the rest of the world. Maybe people think that because teachers just make it look easy. And good for them. We don't want the people who take the easy way out. We want the people who do it because they giggle creepily in the night because they just can't help but smile at the thought of reaching out to that one kid somewhere who needs them.
Basically, it's okay, and probably good to freak out about the future. But if--when you remember why you wanted to do it in the first place--you can't stop thinking about all the good things, it's probably right for you. Don't let the lamies tell you it's not. They don't know you. I know you. Because you're totally the only one reading this blog.
Sometimes I say I'll move to Norway to teach. Because Norway's educational system is just better, and teachers are valued, and life would be good. But I think I want to change some things here first. Then I'll go to Norway and improve their educational system too.
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