How To: Laundry

Greetings! Another day, another important piece of advice for strangely anti-social college students! Woohoo!

Today, I'd like to talk about how to do laundry. After eating, laundry is probably one of the most important things you do in school. In fact, it's only below eating because eating you have do accomplish multiple times a day, while laundry perhaps only needs to be done once a week. (Hopefully. Because, man, laundry is expensive!)

I hope that you have done some laundry by now in your college life, because you've been at school two whole weeks at least. And you probably have run out of clothes. I know the temptation is high to just go out and buy new things when you realize that you have no clean pants, but realistically speaking, buying new clothes is probably going to end up costing you more than if you just do the ridiculously expensive laundry. I'm not saying that occasionally you shouldn't go and buy yourself a couple new pairs of socks. Just don't make it a regular thing. Because then you might end up with over 150 pairs of socks. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience here....

So anyway. Once you've determined that you need to do laundry, the first thing I recommend is trying to wait until a day when everyone else has not determined that they need to do laundry. Avoid doing laundry on days that start with "s" for the best, won't take up six hours of your life waiting for a machine result.

If you do have to do laundry on a Saturday or Sunday--like, if it's a complete emergency and you've been walking around in your pajamas all day because you don't have pants--try to do it at a strange time. Perhaps go at night, or at lunch time. Because otherwise, the hideous waiting in lines of strange people will begin. Just like with eating, avoidance is the strategy of choice here.

Then, make sure you bring all the things you need to actually do your laundry down to the laundry area. For example: Don't forget your laundry soap, drop your bag of un-laundered clothes on the top of a washing machine, run up the six flights of stairs back to your room to grab the detergent, and then run all the way back down to hope to find your clothes where you left them. If you leave your clothes unattended, someone will undoubtedly use the opportunity to usurp your washing machine. And then you'll either have to awkwardly grab your clothes from underneath their feet and sulk away, or boldly stand up to them and demand to know why they stole your preciously guarded machine. I recommend the first option. Because confrontation makes me uncomfortable.

Once you've finally found a machine, you should always keep track of how long it's going to be before your clothes are done. Otherwise, if you leave them there long than absolutely necessary, the laundry room lurkers (the people who stay with their clothes through the entire cycle, and sometimes have more than one load, and therefore basically live in the basement on Sundays) will be upset with you and one of two things will happen. 1. They will move your clothes out of the machine they are currently in, and you will have to hunt for them when you finally return to retrieve them or 2. They will scowl in the most horrendous manner when you walk sheepishly down the stairs to take your garments. Again. Avoid the confrontation.

Of course, it is always an option to become a laundry room lurker yourself, and then you need not risk the glares of your fellow lurking participants. It may, however, become necessary to converse with these strange dwellers, because you all must wait an average of an hour and a half until all your clothes are finished. You might bring homework to avoid their eyes, but perhaps someone will ask you a question, and out of politeness you must then respond appropriately. These are simply the hazards of being a laundry room lurker.

When you have finally finished the hassles of completing the washing and drying of your clothes, you should immediately hang them or fold them and put them away in your room. Otherwise, the chances of you getting distracted and never putting your clothes away are pretty good. You'll have to hunt through your laundry bag every time you need a change of clothing. It is not important, however, that you fold your socks. Let the socks be free, let them frolic in the openness of your sock drawer! They will love you forever, they will love you for always. As long as you're chilly, the warmer they'll be. Okay. That turned weird. I just like socks.

Please don't wait until you have absolutely nothing left to wear. Because then you'll be the awkward kid going to the laundry room in his/her bathrobe. And no one wants that. Especially you.