How To: Eat

So, I figured I'd start out with something very very important. You see, while in college, it's possible to avoid many things. One can refuse to go to events planned by the college, one can study solely in his or her room to minimize the chances of meeting other people, one can never join any extra-curricular activities, but one must eat. No matter how much you may think eating is just a way that the staff of the college force you to get out of your room twice or thrice a day, in reality, if you don't eat, you'll die. And dying will probably not get a post on this how to site.

Firstly, I recommend eating at weird times as to avoid the throngs of people that frequent the dining hall. For example, eat lunch at 11:30 or 1:30, and for sure do not eat directly after your class lets out at noon. Because everyone else's class also lets out at noon, and since they are already out and about, they feel entitled to devour all the food before you can even see it. If you must eat at an inconveniently convenient time, please, please, please don't wander around aimlessly in the cafeteria. This has the effect of one or both of these things: 1. People will know that you are a clueless freshman who can't even find the food that's basically floating in front of their eyes or 2. People will smash into you because you're blocking a main traffic flow artery by going the wrong way down a line that is typically a one-way street. Both of these things can end badly for you.

Once you have entered the cafeteria, it is important to understand that all the food that lies before you is basically yours for the taking. This does not mean that you should take all the food freely! College is a dangerous place where no one is monitoring your eating and (if you're reading this post) you probably sit alone so no one can judge you for eating and you no longer have to make sure there is enough food for the rest of your family. So you must become the one in charge of your food consumption. This is harder than it sounds. Because the food all looks so good. Sure, they have the salad line right there in the middle where you can't miss it. But you also know that if you walk just a little farther in, you'll find the pizza line and the hamburger line and the grilled cheese line and also, if you happen to want the entree they're serving that day, chances are you'll have to wait in a ridiculous line. So the easy thing to do is just grab some pizza and an apple and sit down, telling yourself you're being healthy because you eat fruit. Unfortunately, this probably is not the case.

I recommend eating a salad for one meal a day, at least three times a week. Because salad is quick and easy and usually the line doesn't take six hours, and also, it has the appearances of being healthy (until you drench it in dressing and pile on the cheese, because everyone knows that lettuce actually tastes like uneventful death)!

Once you have your food, you have to actually find a place to eat. If you're alone, try not to take up a ridiculously large table. This act has two purposes: 1. It will prevent you from looking even more like a loser than you already look (just kidding, this site has no judgement on loners; we're all welcome here! but from the outside perspective, we kind of look like losers, and life will just be easier if we accept that) and 2. It prevents large groups of extroverted people from coming to sit down with you and try to awkwardly include you in their conversation, making you feel obligated to both smile and pay attention as well as stay sitting with them until they have finished eating, and in the end, this group behavior makes you feel more uncomfortable and wish you were alone more than ever, which is actually something I try to discourage, because people are good people and we should like them.

Finally, after finishing, try to place all your dishes in the designated areas. Because, you might not know it, but there are people behind the scenes who have to clean your dishes, and I don't want to turn this into a rant about people who leave their silverware on their plate even though there is a clearly marked drop slot for just such items, but really. Do the right thing so the people who clean your dishes don't feel like shooting you after they've finished cleaning your messes for three hours.

Actually, I guess that wasn't finally. Of course, I forgot to tell you about dessert. If you go to eat really early, as advised, there will plentiful dessert to choose from. Choose wisely, and pick something that you can eat while quickly maneuvering out of the dining hall and back to your dorm. Cookies are always good. Don't eat the cake unless you're prepared to stay longer to go back and get a bowl and fork and sit down for another good two minutes. I know, I know. Time commitment. If you're late to eat, you'll have to deal with scant options. Perhaps there will be a lemon flavored rice cake in your future.....

And here you have it. Eating at college. If it's not the most important thing you'll do while attending school, I don't know what you're doing wrong.