Oh, my strange kiwi that I just discovered the beauty of today. If I was about grammar, that sentence would have been "Oh, my strange kiwi the beauty of which I just discovered today" but I'm not about grammar. I'm giving up on that. I give up on everything except dehydrated fruit and acoustic covers of pop songs.
And gummy bears.
Only because I just bought some today, along with my dehydrated fruit, because I have lots of money, but don't worry, guys, I'm down to less than $300 now, but just barely. Plus, both of those things feel healthy because they don't contain chocolate.
But really, though. Who invented kiwi that could have all the liquid SUCKED OUT OF ITS SPINE, because it's delicious. The worst part is that the bag only comes with three pieces. Maybe I'll buy the store out of all its mal-thirsted fruits. Because I have $292.94 to spend on food in a week.
As I sat in wonder of this strangely addictive fruit substances, I wondered why all the fruits were kinda squishy (that's a technical business term, guys, don't hurt yourselves) except for the bananas. Do the bananas get a special process, or something? Why are they not squishy? They're like little banana chips. Crisp and crunchy, just as bananas should be. Of course.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID THEY PUT THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN THE FRUIT OF DEHYDRATION BAG BECAUSE IT LOOKS GREAT AND TASTY AND ORANGE (because everyone knows that orange is a delicious color) BUT IT'S ACTUALLY TERRIBLE AND GROSS AND PROBABLY KILLED A PERSON IN A PAST LIFE.
Even though people can't reincarnate as inanimate objects, they can reincarnate as TREES which give off fruit. I can't even tell what fruit it was supposed to be back before it turned evil. Probably sulfur. The ingredients say sulfur, and I bet the maker accidentally dehydrated just some sulfur and put it in the bag with the delightfulness.
The lovely pineapple is also great. It's probably my second favorite after the kiwis and the bananas. No, I'm not wrong. Stop yelling. I don't like yelling. I don't even like things. I just live here. But only for another week. Please make it go faster. I beg to the [insert non-offensive term for whatever you believe in].
My friends all got together and took pictures together and my dad told me that it's not like they're going to spend three weeks together and forget about me but my insecurities are feeling angry this evening so I'm trying really hard to not let it bother me but it's hard because it is.
There's also a different weird orange fruit thing that's pretty delicious, unlike the EVIL. But unfortunately I can't tell the difference between the two different kinds so it's a game of chance. I'll be thinking I'm safe, but then I DIE but not really that's an exaggeration.
Also, there's a starfruit, and it basically looks like I'm going to eat a starfish, and I'm kind of afraid that it'll actually be the texture of a starfish, so I'm putting off eating it because I'm like the cowardly lion, except occasionally I have good hair days.
Okay, here's the actual ode (except not in the form of an ode, because that's hard and a lot of work):
Oh fruit
So sparkle
So chewy chewy chewy
Except for banana
Why have you no juice left?
Because you might
GET THIRSTY
and/or get a head ache
Because water is important
And hydration is essential
Oh fruit
So sad
So thirsty thirsty thirsty
Why have you to die?
Because you might
BE EATEN
by me
Because yum yum yum
Yum yum yum yum yum
How was that? I should be done now. But really, why should I give up on genius? I know! We'll make it a system: you pay me money and I'll write an ode just for you and it'll go on my blog. And all the people can read it. Just kidding. You don't have to pay me money. I'll do it for free. You just have to request one, and it will be great. And I promise to make it great. Greatness is my guarantee! I'll eagerly await your call.
(No, really, I'll write you an ode if you ask me to. Do it.)
No comments:
Post a Comment